Good Evening,
My wife was diagnosed with ADHD in the last year and a half. Due to numerous other ailments that are finally diagnosed and being treated, she is not currently on ADHD meds. She has taken antidepressants in the past (that I am adamantly against due to side effects).
I have joined a few ADHD spouse groups and have found them to be pure depression! I can identify with other's experiences, but everything looks dire for everyone with divorce or extreme submission to the disorder (giving up all my needs) being the final options.
Every podcast I listen to or article I read says to avoid the parent-child dynamic and other things to avoid. That's great, but what DO I DO to stop my wife from burying us in piles, starting projects without planning, and generally doing things that impact my routines and actions? I'm a production technician celebrating 20 years this fall, and most of my working career is based on maximizing downtime, estimating how long things take, and being efficient. The small things are what I find most frustrating. Taking the last water bottle that I was going bring to work, piling in front of my dresser while "organizing", leaving her car in the middle of the driveway when I'm coming home soon -the stuff that impacts me directly (unlike piles in our spare room- things that if she thought about, she'd realize impact me.
I do a large amount of things around the house. My wife will try to take things off my plate, but it usually results in more work for me. For example, I handled the mechanical things and hadn't gotten the lawn mower ready for the season yet. My wife asked me to tell her what to do- via text while I'm at work... Basically, told her the bare minimum - check the oil, connect the battery, fill with gas. She mowed the entire lawn. I needed to do the more complex checks and I discovered she didn't tighten the oil dipstick, resulting in oil absolutely everywhere while she mowed. Not only a mess but it made the oil very low. She never noticed the splatter everywhere... I've asked nicely for her to focus on her unfinished projects that are in her wheelhouse. If I point out how she misses things, I'm told that I'm perfect and do no wrong.
I am absolutely at my wits end. I can't see a therapist because we live in a rural area and I simply don't have time between work and home. Someone please tell me what to do, not just what to avoid!
Your wife needs help
Submitted by Taminator1 on
I'm sorry to hear about what is going on in your house. Unfortunately, inattentive ADHD will keep happening if left untreated. I understand your concern that seeing a therapist is out of reach, but that is what she really needs. If she can't attend in person, she can talk to a therapist online and schedule some sessions. Some online therapists will also accept health insurance as well. I do believe your wife does want to help you with the best intentions, but the 2 of you do need a balance. Part of you loving her is letting them help you in the way she can, rather than what you expect from her. She doesn't need to be perfect, but she needs to be able to make progress
The power to change
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I feel your hurt. I've been hitting my head against the same question for a long time. The answer was: there is nothing I can do about my spouse's disorganization. Even optimized treatment on my ex-husband's part and me in the final hard year lowering expectations to zero and accepting all the work didn't help our marriage to survive. I just wore myself out and ended up in tears.
Lately, I've concluded what the non partner does or doesn't do is not important. It's all in the ADHD partner's ability. The non has no influence over it, but it defines everything.
The power to change someone's behavior has to come from inside that person. Consistently, which the ADHD diagnosis itself makes unlikely. I have never had any power to change things. Wish I'd understood that earlier.
Doom and gloom
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
"That's great, but what DO I DO to stop my wife from..."
I was in a very similar situation in my 20-year marriage. "What can I do to improve this??" I asked myself constantly. Man, I tried it ALL. But just as other posters have pointed out, the change can't come from only from the person without ADHD when the ADHD is what's causing the problems. If your wife doesn't address the ADHD with medication (not every med option is a stimulant or anti-depressant) and ideally therapy/coaching as well, nothing is going to change. You can speak in "I feel..." statements and hire a cleaning service and put up a big calendar and use the reminder apps, but until she's getting treatment for the ADHD symptoms affecting your relationship, change will remain elusive.
That's why you see so much doom and gloom in the groups and on the forums. We see what needs to change to improve the relationship, but the person who needs to make the brunt of those changes is our partner. And often they just don't want to, it's too daunting, or they can't see the problems ADHD causes in the first place. Perhaps in your case, your wife is eager to treat ADHD once her other medical issues are under control... I hope so! Why not start with Melissa's virtual couples program in that case?
Otherwise, unfortunately, her behaviour isn't within your control unless she WANTS to change it (with therapeutic support of course... she can't will her way out of her ADHD wiring). Without treatment and her commitment you are probably looking at either letting ADHD run the show for life or leaving. I'm sorry. I know how hard it is to accept that. I fought that truth for a long time. I ultimately left and I only wish I'd done it sooner.