I may have undiagnosed ADHD and I looked into it more after 2 things that happened: I listened to the Mel Robbins podcasts when she did an episode on ADHD and announced she had it and also when I got fired from my last job for working substantially more hours during busy season but still under performed my peers. To add onto that, both my wife and in-laws are high performance, high wired people, where their minds are operating at 100mph and don't slow down. They had to think that way to get past survival mode when they immigrated to the US. I was raised by strict parents due to their Christian background, but was not forced to over exert myself when I didn't need to. Whatever I worked on, I would take the amount of time needed to complete it. Here's where I think may have undiagnosed ADHD. My mind cannot process information as quick as my wife and in-laws, so it leads to slower execution. In addition, I would overlook things that "normal" people would not overlook. This has caused many arguments between me and my wife. Also, if my in-laws saw that I accidentally did something incorrectly or too slowly, they would be like "what's wrong with you?!" My wife says that to me too and then they would complain to my wife about my inadequacies. So right now, I feel like if I'm inaccurate or inefficient, I'm useless and my kids are seeing that as well. Also, my older daughter may show early signs of ADHD as well, the inattentive kind just like me. I remember one night my wife said that if our daughter has ADHD, I will never forgive you because you ruined her life and my life. Although ADHD makes life more challenging, it's not impossible to overcome. It's that my wife is afraid my daughter can't be more than average even she grows up. On top of that, I have suggested therapy for myself as well as couples counseling. She adamantly refuses both because as long as the way she carries herself generates better results and more usefulness in society, she doesn't feel she needs to change. And I can't get therapy for myself because she thinks I'm too "stupid" to be fixed and she micromanages all our bank accounts so she will flip if I attended therapy. A few other notes, she is the breadwinner in the family as she make significantly more money than me and if we were to get divorced, the kids will easily side with the mother.
I don't know what to do. I'm either stuck in an unloving marriage and if I divorce, I might only get visitation rights. If you have any suggestions, I'm open for options.
Sounds awful for you
Submitted by alphabetdave on
I appreciate that we're only getting one side of the story here but it doesn't sound like you're not really being given viable options to fix things.
It sounds a lot like your wife and in-laws think you're genuinely just being lazy/careless and all you need to do is "decide to put some effort in" and you could be just like anyone else.
The comment of "if you've given our daughter ADHD I'll never forgive you" (not a direct quote) is really upsetting.
Ultimately if you do have ADHD, you're never going to not have it. You can work on strategies to do the things you need to do (part of the point of therapy) but a successfully treated person with ADHD is still a person with ADHD - you can do a lot of work to better yourself but if your wife is flat out unwilling to engage with working on the relationship then I'm not really sure what you can do about that
The other side
Submitted by Taminator1 on
I think there is a little more clarity if I try to explain it from her side of the story. My wife did not have a conventional childhood and due to my in-laws lack of English speaking skills, she was forced to learn English and grow up fast in order to help her parents with running a restaurant. She immigrated to the US when she was a teenager. Since my marriage to her, here are the things she has witnessed: Struggles to pick-up certain social cues, being fired from my job 3 times since my career began and the struggle to calm my kids down consistently. My wife and in-laws do the 1st and 3rd things better than me. In addition, when I help clean the house it's not done more efficiently. Although I mean well, she feels ashamed and embarrassed that she knows 5, maybe more husbands that can do a better job than me. I'm addition to that, her younger sister and her brother in law both make more money than me too. So even if I claim I have ADHD, I feel like the cards are stacked against me.
Awful
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It sounds very hard.
I would be somewhat the equivalent of your wife (non-ADHD, hard-working and from a family of high achievers) plus some compassion and realization that life isn't about achievement, but about living.
It makes me sad that she and your in-laws either are ignorant or take an insulting stance on neurodivergence. Maybe if you have a proper work up and diagnosis, and get support from your doctor, these efficient people will be able to study up and adjust their expectations. I think that would be the best way to give them a chance.
If for nothing else, to give your daughter the best possible start in life.
But I would not be certain you and your family in law will ever understand each other. A couples therapist I had before talked about "walking over the bridge to each other". She meant extending curiosity and interest to the perspective of the other person, which is a powerful tool for reconciliation. That takes skill though, and willpower.
I think when ADHD and non-ADHD partners have problems, the walking over the bridge is much harder than for other couples. I have spent decades trying to understand my ADD ex husband and I'm still clueless. I also am not prepared to live by his standards, I want my own.
I wish you'll find a good way forward.
My wife has read here and
Submitted by Taminator1 on
My wife has read here and there about ADHD and she is trying to validate possible reasons I don't have it and my parents may not carry the signs of ADHD even though I see shades of it in my father. In addition, my wife and in-laws dismiss mental health a lot because they have the mindset of needing to make money in order to provide a better life and it takes solid mental fortitude to do that. My wife feels that having ADHD takes away that ability to thrive in most life situations and they can only thrive in one unique or special situation. Nobody in the family will slow down because getting things right is not an appreciation, it's an expectation and they want the guarantee that they won't be useless in society. Adding to that, my in-laws don't speak English so they were already had a disadvantage coming into the US and had to double down on their strengths. They all have that mentality of "if I can do it, so can you" and it's hard to tell them that's not always the case. In Asian culture, almost all neurodivergent people are ostracized because they are not "normal" and don't fit in family or cultural norms.
If there's one thing to understand about ADHD and I think Mel Robbins said it best, I'll say it verbatim. It's like an orchestra playing a piece of music without a conductor. We are either distracted by a bunch of different things or hyper focused on one thing but tuning out everything else around us (very black and white). Sometimes we will say things that make sense to an ADHD brain, but makes no sense in a "normal" brain. That's what I could say about the difficulty in understanding your ex-husband.
The cultural aspect
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Sorry about that. Your family in law's cultural background doesn't make things easier I imagine. So do you think an ADHD diagnosis would be unhelpful instead?
I really wish I had something comforting to say to you, it sounds like such a hard situation.
This is rough
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I feel really bad for the resistance you're getting. Sounds like a combination of choosing to keep their heads in the sand + old school thinking that you can/should simply power through mental health issues and neurodivergence. I don't know how you combat that except to seek treatment for yourself because you want it and deserve to feel in control of your own brain and life. You can't ignore your own wellbeing forever because that's more convenient for them.
If you're in an unloving marriage anyway as you suggest, it might be worth a consult with a lawyer to see if the custody situation would be as dire as you're anticipating. You may very well be entitled to 50% custody and even support if her salary is higher. If the consult costs money (mine did), a lot of lawyers will let you pay cash so there's no trail (mine did).
I mean, optimally you could stand your ground and get an assessment and diagnosis. If your daughter does have ADHD, what a great example you'd be setting. If your wife leaves you over that, it says a lot about her...
I'm so very sorry for your situation.
Take it one step at a time.
Submitted by Papajack (not verified) on
Take it one step at a time. Go to therapy for you.