My husband and I have been married for well over twenty years. From the very beginning of the marriage, the only thing he has ever done in any real way is earn a paycheck. If I asked him to do anything, it was because I actually could not do it. We have multiple children with adhd, too, and he did not help with any of their care. I remember with our final baby, I was desperately needing some help, and when I asked point blank for him to commit to helping with the baby in the evenings, he became very angry and refused.
He is now, suddenly after 20+ years, doing one singular task once a week. He might sometimes do it twice a week. He committed to only one day, so the second day is a bonus. I didn't ask him to do this thing; he offered.
Whoopee.
I watched him do it in fits and spurts. He seems to finally be mostly consistent. I do not feel any kind of happiness over it. I assume my guard is still up. But if I have any feelings, it is anger. The thoughts that accompany the anger are things like, "Had to wait over twenty years for this tiny bit of effort. This is pathetic."
I have worked on my anger over past hurts. I have been doing well on that front. However, now I am angry with him for this small effort.
It is silly to be angry. If anything was ever going to stick, he would have to start small. He has definitely checked that box. And it couldn't be a very impactful task if he didn't follow through. And, because he isn't medicated or doing anything to manage his adhd, this is a definite win. And yet I am angry.
Not the least silly to me
Submitted by Swedish coast on
You've watched him as he's spent decades on an arm's length from you in your home, not relieving you. He's rested while you've toiled. When he finally does something to contribute, the question arises: if he IS capable of this, why has he been putting it off until now?
I imagine your discontent isn't with what he's doing now, but with what he hasn't done in the past. We can all get to a point where no matter what, our spouse can never make up for their neglect in the past.
Your reaction seems completely adequate and healthy to me.
Could be Fear
Submitted by shevrae on
Sometimes anger can be covering over other emotions that don't feel safe to feel or identify. I find that when my pwADHD finally starts doing something, I become afraid that as soon as I start counting on him to do the thing and think I can take it off my mental list - he'll quit and I'll have to deal with the disappointment of that. And that has happened enough times for me to know it's a real possibility. I just get so TIRED of feeling afraid that anger feels more empowering.
Hold Star
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi brindle2,
Your description of your husband's efforts gets my hackles up a bit, too, and I agree with Swedish that it's a healthy reaction, as well as the second comment that it could be driven by fear.
I would add that you may also be experiencing a bit of cognitive dissonance. Whether you praise his tiny effort and give him a gold star, or ignore his effort, either way you can't maintain your own integrity. In the first case integrity to your hurt and your need to express that he has to do more, and in the latter, integrity to knowing that you should take the high road and give the gold star.
Does a middle ground feel better to you? An acknowledgment, as in "I see you made an effort", but without any thank yous that don't feel genuine.
Thank you to each of you
Submitted by brindle2 on
I appreciate the thoughtful feedback. Swedish, the comment about how, at some point, our partners can't make up for the neglect really struck me.
Shevrae- The possibility of fear... I will watch out for that, searching for clues that fear is behind it. Thank you, for I wouldn't have considered fear.
Catterfly - I do feel that I should thank him, and I keep it to a pretty simple "thank you" and casual tone of voice. But I won't make a big deal about it, and part of my reason is that he doesn't really accept compliments/thanks. He says that they make him feel awkward. It isn't just with me, either. He simply doesn't know how to handle compliments/thank yous. (Sometimes I wonder why so many things have to be complicated. They say women are complicated, but I often feel that he is the complicated one.)
Oh, and Swedish
Submitted by brindle2 on
Also, your first paragraph is so very spot on. Thank you for "seeing" my feelings immediately.
I feel angry too
Submitted by honestly on
My DX OH has done exactly this. He's not medicated and has now taken on some domestic responsibility after two decades of simply not bothering and letting me run myself into the ground. The only difference is that I asked for a divorce.
TBF, the efforts he makes are risible. He vacuums and the floor's still dirty. He cooks and it's inedible. He shops and brings home foods nobody likes, and sometimes specifically asked him not to buy.
And I am expected to be grateful.
I'm not. I pretend to be but I am seething.
The underlying truth is he never loved me enough to change when I needed him to; he loves himself enough to make changes though, when it's his happiness that's threatened. They are very much the changes he wants to make. I'd like him to wash his face regularly, blow his nose when it needs blowing. What I get is disgusting food and dirty floors and I can't even step in and do a better job because that will trigger his RSD.
Gratitude for jobs not done
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I really feel you here. I got so tired of getting no help 98% of the time and then whenever he did the smallest thing, even if whatever he did actually caused MORE work for me, I was expected to be endlessly grateful. (Your example of buying the wrong groceries hits home.) And the RSD... my husband didn't want to face accountability for his challenges. When I unpacked the groceries he brought home and I asked if he has the milk and supplies for school lunches the next day... it was just so much easier for him to explode at me for having impossible standards than to admit he didn't follow the list and go back to the store to get any critical items he missed. I was taking on all the household responsibilities PLUS he was handing me the responsibility to bear the fallout and negative emotions for HIS mistakes. "I'm a great husband for going to the store... she's impossible to please," is what he'd walk away thinking while I drove back to the store after being yelled at for... what?? ... him forgetting half the list of necessities?? Please.
I don't know if you plan to follow through with the divorce, but I can tell you I am so much happier being 3 years out of my marriage. The relief and normalcy are life-changing.
thank you
Submitted by honestly on
Ive just been redecorating the shower room thaft he decorated several years ago as a one off - I dio 99.9% of DIY. Now before I could begin I had to clean up the crappy job he'd done - still scraping off the old colour paint from the shower tiles and screen.