Just went grocery shopping where I used to go before divorce. Realized as I moved the shopping cart forward how things have changed.
I don't care anymore if people crowd me in the aisle. I don't mind if a stranger approaches with a question, even if they're a bit intrusive and not polite. I used to be so high-strung with stress, I couldn't stand other people who were even slightly disrespectful or dominated the physical space. Not that I'd say anything, I'd just feel hurt. I'd swear at other drivers in my car. I'd shake off charities in the street with a frown.
I think about inner, unconscious boundaries and if it's possible to accept them being violated constantly in an ADHD marriage. Would it have been possible to continue the marriage and change attitude? I tried it. My goal was to move through it gracefully. I could in some ways. But the raw physical reaction to those intrusions of my integrity turned into criticism of other people. I became angry with others. I felt it was unfair when all consideration for my husband, the children, clients at work wasn't matched with some basic politeness in random people I met.
The balance in giving and receiving was so tilted by my husband's illness I almost couldn't function socially. Only with the kindest, most generous friends. I hated when family, friends and coworkers were late, when they thoughtlessly caused me trouble or when they seemed to take me for granted. I had no reserves, I bled myself dry every day to do right by others. I think that is one reason why the divorce became necessary in the end. It's nice to be able to move though the grocery store without feeling like passers by trample on you. It's good to be able to give fellow humans some slack. An intact integrity helps.
Insightful
Submitted by Catterfly on
Swedish, I have the same problem in the grocery store and have been wondering for a decade what's wrong with me. I now have almost all groceries delivered directly to the house. But on the occasion where I have to go buy toothpaste, for example, I can't even enter aisles if there are other people in them. I shop early in the morning, or late at night to avoid the crowds.
I've had a lot of tragedy in my life, so chalked it all up to an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. It never occurred to me that it could be because of my constant state of fight or flight.
I'm also ridiculously sensitive to any hint of people taking me for granted, and ridiculously susceptible to falling for men who are polite to me or show me the smallest bit of attention. This can be awkward since I work with almost all men. I've had to distance myself more than once from completely innocent people because they were kind, and also likely distanced myself from kind people because I misread their impression of me (as negative).
Your insights are so treasured as I try to separate the "me" from the "us" and understand the impact that "us" has had. Thank you so much.
So sorry
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm so sorry Catterfly that you've been through this too. Your observations are precious to me in healing.
This is so relatable
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I too felt like I could collapse at any moment because I was always giving and never getting back. On the flipside of what you described,when strangers were kind to me, I would feel unreasonably appreciative. Like someone merely holding a door for me would cause me to fall over myself in a flood of appreciation. I would just feel such gratitude because no one ever did things for me at home. I remember one distinct instance where bees were swarming the groceries in my car and cart. I am terrified of bees and was really struggling. A man saw me and came over, loaded the remaining bags, shooed the bees away, closed my trunk and took my cart for me. I was so overwhelmed by receiving support when I needed it that after thanking him profusely, I cried and cried in my car. I was just so used to never receiving help. Even now, I know I over thank people at work just for doing their jobs. It's really sad what this toxic dynamic can do to us.
Thanking
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I feel a pang of compassion at that scene with the bees by your car. Those tears are from a deep pain.
On overthanking at work, that's a good observation, I do it still too. All the time!
Thank you Melody for sharing. I appreciate it so much.
this thread
Submitted by honestly on
has made me cry. I have become so strung out, so fragile, so tangled in my own head, so overwhelmed with gratitude for tiny courtesies and kindnesses. I see now why; I didn't see before. Thank you.