hey all, my spouse (recently dx ADHD last year) is really struggling and I find myself getting more and more frustrated with him. He has anxiety, depression (the chronic, hardcore kind) and ADHD. His brain spins out all day, every day. He's addicted to his devices. He doesn't exercise and he doesn't eat right and he doesn't look after himself. Most days I can't believe that his body allows him to function. Every day for our house is ruled by his emotions and feelings and whichever of his challenges wants to rear its head that particular day. And its a crap shoot for the rest of us living in the house too. A real gamble and to be honest, feels like neither me or my son can actually be able to have feelings, a good day, bad day, etc because we just don't know how my husband will present each day.
One day, it's his ADHD that rears up and we have to pay the 'ADHD tax' and I find myself frustrated as its an avoidable thing, but he doesn't want to see it. And then the next day, he will wake up, seem to be engaged and coherant..only to be triggered by something and he's back in the bed for the rest of the day or a few hours...and we all have to tip-toe, work around and make conncessions for him every day, every hour. he promises something one evening, and when I ask about it the next day, he will state 'I was only talking outloud'. Doesn't committ to anything. literally anything.
But with it all and its frustrations.... I find myself really sad for him and pity-ing him and that's not a great place to be for us as you might know. His depression is horrific to experience. I'm sure it is horrific and horrible for him to have, but I am impacted by it too (as is my son) and this way of living is not something I wish to continue much longer and making plans to see what my options are. But he literally can not. get. out. of. bed. And he says how he doesn't feel like it, he's tired, he's sore, etc....and there comes a point when I think you have to put two feet in front of each other and get the f**k up and trudge on and do that the next day and the next. And to be honest, if you aren't living life and aren't able to actually FUNCTION at all any day or any point... then there needs to be an intervention and help.
I guess my biggest wonder is: what can I do (if anything) to support him besides just living my own life and trying to live in my values/boundaries (which he constantly ignores because he's struggling so much he asks for help on so many things...every day...every hour). I mean, I feel like I'm living in a life sucking vortext and trying not to get dragged down. I don't want to tell him what to do but there is SO MUCH HELP AVAILABLE and it's incredibly frustrating to see him struggling and making his - and our - lives so much harder than what they need to be. And if I'm really being honest: I've been his caregiver, nurse and mother for far longer than I expected and signed up for. It sucks.
......now that's i've typed that out... I can also see and ask myself what my ROLE is in it and I do believe I have enabled him greatly and I'm angry at myself for that too. But it's so freaking hard to untagle the enmeshment that we've built up.
HELP!
I've Been There Off the Roller
Submitted by J on
I can imagine, to no end, this must be the most frustrating and helpless ( maybe hopeless ? ) feeling for you to go through. If you re-read that last sentence, it's exactly what it feels like for the person experiencing debilitating depression. Chronic depression in my experience, is a far bigger issue than ADHD or anxiety to cope with or contend with. To the point: it caused me the inability to function....completely.
Just to give you a first hand idea of just how bad this cam get. Not needing sympathy or for any other reason....than just simply tell my own experience when I was not negativity impacting anyone else. Not married, not dating, not even looking to be with anyone. No children and only my dog to negativity impact. What ever I did or didn't do...thankfully, only effected me. And I'm telling you this to possibly give you some insight of what, if any role or responsibility, you might have had, to do anything to change of even help your husband in dealing with this if it gets real bad. I'll tell you up front, the time table for this is really out of control for the person who is going through it. For me, I would have done something sooner if I could have I may have gone on anti-depressants sooner but, even then, I had to reach a point where I could even function enough to get in my car and go see a doctor.
Without the backstory: I spent two and a half years sitting in a chair, and my only means of contact or activity was via the internet on my phone. Why? Because I injured myself at first, which created a situation where I couldn't work and earn money to live on. All the utilities were turned off and I had to live inside my house without lighting, heat, and water. One might think that under those circumstances, a person would jump up and immediately move to doing something about it? But you can't. The injury caused a downward spiral to the point. I was now in survival mode. Surviving one day at a time becomes your only focus in life. It becomes crystalline clear what you need to do: Stay warm, get food and water.....don't die. I spent 3 winters in that chair with temperatures reaching as cold as 20° and summer temperatures as hot as 117° ( that's not a typo ). But I lived....that's the bottom line.
No one would do this by choice is my point. That was crazy right? Not crazy really. I did what I had to do under the circumstances and I didn't die. I was successful at that much without question.
I came full on faced with reality of sorts. The term "mentally ill" became a realization, not just a word thrown out there to describe something...it becomes something you experience. If you had the flu...let's say Covid? You'd be too ill to work, function or even take care of yourself. If you become mentally ill with depression so bad that you can no longer function....your body and your mind feel exactly the same. Every part of your being screams at you to....lay down, rest and recover. It's pretty much all you can do until you reach a place in your recovery when your strong enough to get started back on your feet and start functioning again. And this process takes time. How long? As long as it takes. As I mentioned, it started in stages.
Stage one: Go get help from a doctor who prescribed me antidepressants.
Stage two: Start getting up amd going outside for walks etc
Stage three: begin to clean myself by going to a local fitness center and bathing.
Stage four: going to the laundromat and washing clothes. While there, I'd treat myself to a burger and bite to eat. This was when enjoyment started to happen. Good food instead of uncooked or frozen dinners became something to look forward to.
Stage 5: I started working out again. As a former competition swimmer, my natural go to was swimming.
Stage five: I added weight training to my swimming regime working out twice a day. In six months...I lost 25 pounds and added muscle mass at the same time.
Too the point...I strengthened my body and strengthened my mind at the same time. I played Backgammon online for hours to sharpen my mind as well...forcing myself to do figures, count numbers and think strategically I found helped exercise my brain too.
This entire process took two and a half years before I was strong enough mentally and physically to function at 100% again. I'm now working full time ( 50 hours a week ) and excelling again in my chosen career path I've done for over 40 years. I'm 67, and have no plans on retirement.
So, if you take from what I just said. It was a step by step process to recover and get back on my feet again. I had no one to help me but....I did it and survived. The time table was what it was. I could not make it go faster than it did because I started completely debilitated and unable to function. Even if I had someone there to help...it may have only sped this process up a little I imagine?
But again, this was just me. My circumstances were my own and different than other people. At the end of this experience however, I came out the other side a much stronger person. I now no longer fear surviving because I know I can if put to the test again. I appreciate everything I have even that much more as well. I'm thankful for everyday I have food, water and a warm place to live as well as the company of someone I really enjoy being with.
The only advise I could give is to remember what I mentioned about being ill. If you picture yourself with a bad case of the flu...consider this when needing things to happen on your timetable instead of his. Depression has its own time table and you can only do what you can do on a day to day basis.
J
I can relate
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm sorry you are in this place. A year ago it was my reality too for the most part.
I'm afraid I concluded there was not much I as spouse could do to help my now ex-husband, since nothing I did made any difference. He leaned heavily on me for everything. His illness pulled me down. I felt it was morally hard to leave somebody so deep in illness. Then my GP told me to get out of the marriage at all costs.
It turned out without me my ex husband immediately functioned better. It also turned out he thought our relationship had been bad for him and he would have wanted it to end sooner. It became clear the efforts I had made for him hadn't been appreciated.
From this I drew a few conclusions:
1) You as a non-ADHD spouse have no influence over your ADHD partner's behavior
2) It's not immoral to leave a marriage where your spouse's behavior destroys your health, even if they are clinically ill
3) Enabling a spouse's unhealthy behavior is hard to avoid inside a marriage and with responsibility for children (their life has to function, doesn't it?)
4) The work and emotional energy you invest in the relationship may not benefit anyone
5) Your spouse might be better off without you, even if you can't imagine it
I hope you will spend your precious time and energy on what truly benefits you and your family. I wouldn't want it to be wasted.
I think there comes a time
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I think there comes a time (soon, from the sounds of your story) where your own and your son's wellbeing will have to be prioritized. Though my ex wasn't depressed, the rest of your description rings very true for me and it became clear that my health and the healthy upbringing of our daughter were both being greatly sacrificed just to support his massive black hole of 'needs.' I'd intended to wait to leave until my daughter was going to post-secondary, but my body gave out earlier from the stress... I'd set myself on fire to keep someone else warm for too long. I left when my daughter was 13 (she's 16 now). She is so much happier and healthier now that we're out, but she often recalls memories of how bad things were with her dad. I don't know why I'm surprised - I'm traumatized too and I'm an adult! I'm just sad that as much as I did to protect her and try make her life joyful that her childhood memories are clouded by how hard he made things for both of us. I forget if you are in a position to leave or not, but when you are, you have every right to say, "get concrete help with this immediately or we're leaving." Chances are he'll change nothing so you'd have to be truly ready with a plan in place to follow through. If it comes to that, I would just say please don't feel guilty. Having lived it, I know you've done absolutely everything in your power to give and give and this man has simply got to want it for himself.