Hey everyone.
Got diagnosed beginning of 2024, and now in my late 30's.
How would you react or what do you feel when your spouse tells you to grow some balls, to grow up or even to say to you you know what. I will go **** (edited) somebody else just so you can feel the loneliness and the emotional abuse you caused me throughout these two years of being together.
It was actually her that spotted some things that were related to ADHD and damn was she right on this :)
I **** (edited) it up a couple of times and things got heated. I always keep calm but it's hard to talk in general about feelings and how I feel, emotionally.
When I'm pushed i'm pushing away and my focus goes way elsewhere. It's already a long story and I'm glad that I'm learning about all this. But I still have a very long way to go.
When I'm getting belittled for example. I keep calm for a very long way. I try to tell that it's not like this, or that I don't felt it this way. That's not what I meant etc etc.
Well this gets my spouse so angry as for also today, that she starts to belittle me, shame me, play with my weak spots and damn it hurts so so so much.
When I was young when things weren't working as I wanted even if it was a stupid video game I could burst into anger and destroy "things" as I would never ever ever hurt a person or an animal :(
Today she got me again SO far that I ruined our cooling fan. And oke. I fixed it :)
But today I'm in a moment where I will not go on with this and that it's better to stay alone. From anyone actually, and there's the shame of my hyperfocusses from weekends as i'm going "pfff" again through a stress and burnout stage from my work that is not giving me the joy or dopamine anymore (after only one year)
I'm fed up with myself and my environment.
What's your cup of tea guys and gals?
You are both fed up
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It seems both you and your spouse have reached the ends of your patience with each other.
I think you have been hurting her, even if it was never your intention. There are two ways to go from here. Either you embrace her perspective and try to stop hurting her even though she is now acting aggressively. The behavior you describe would equal destructive fighting and contempt which has been known to give the marriage a poor prognosis. Or you fight her accusations to maintain your self-image as a good person.
The first option probably has a better chance of saving your marriage. But it will be entirely counterintuitive to you. Getting out of the marriage will perhaps make life easier for you.
There is couples therapy. But the decision and work is still up to you.
Speaking as a non-ADHD spouse recently divorced and having been in a similar conflict.
That's very clear info/thoughts! Thanks!
Submitted by bnslr on
I can tell you that what I've read from your comment also feels completely like it is.
I'm going very fast into a defensive mode, not intentionally but I have a big difficulty talking and regulating my emotions when I talk.
I completely shut down. I ignore her feelings this way.
I do believe that I hurt her, and the hurt continues every time we have an argument.
There's a need for me to look deeper in this. My girlfriend says it may come from a past trauma.
Fixing it doesn't really feel counterintuitive. It almost feels like a nessasity.
An other problem we face sometimes, or maybe most of the time is that I'm native dutch speaker. And I have to communicate in English because she's from Greece.
To express myself in English, that's again waaaay more difficult.
I had a previous relationship which ended after 14 years where my ex-girlfriend went through a depression. Maybe also caused partly by me.
For now I need to focus on solutions because I can not ruin every relationship. It really sucks for both sides :(
Thank you so so much for writing me back! I will check in on everything and see what I can do.
I know it's not all the blame of ADHD so it means work!
Good luck!
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Best wishes for you and your spouse.
I think your girlfriend could be right bnslr
Submitted by J on
I'm an ADHD guy so your question relates to me. Your girlfriend mentioned past trauma and that does play a part in my reactions at times. It's not the only thing but for me it's very specific. As a child, I had a parent who would criticize me alot. He was relentless, and this was on going for the majority of my time living with my parents. I thought I'd learn to just ignore it ( which I did for the most part ) but really, all I did was stuff it down and not deal with my feelings at all. The effect this had on me stayed with me long into my adult life even to this day. I wouldn't even say I was super sensitive to criticism or even critique ....until someone starts doing the same thing my parent did.....non-stop endless criticism. Especially if it comes as me rapid fire as it did back then. When that happens, something in me staps and I flooded with a variety of emotions. When it becomes bad enough, I end of having a full-blown panic attack where I'll pace back amd forth like a caged animal. I now recognize the two feelings are exactly the same: the one from my parent, and the one I feel when someone else does it now years later. That's my que to engage in measures to calm myself and work myself down. Nothing good comes from these moments so the best thing I cam do for myself and others is to not do anything and either let it go or give it a rest for a while. Doing nothing is my best course of action in the moment. You might be experiencing something very similar, possibly?
So the answer to your question for me, as far as how I try to react as much as possible? I do nothing.
How I feel inside is a completely different story. There's not much I can do to stop the feeling. It happens whether I like it or not. Recognizing what it is and where it came from is half the battle for me. Doing things to manage it takes a dedicated effort.
Good luck.
J