Background: Hubby (42) has ADHD and anxiety (both only diagnosed 3 years ago, so lots of baggage too) as well as chronic pain and depression. I have been attending a Carer Support Group called GROW Better Together... based on the GROW program, but specifically for Mental Health Carers.
Please don't tell me this isn't just ADHD, I already know that. But ADHD and its late diagnosis is a major factor.
Hubby refuses to do any work on himself. So, he'll go along fine for a while, then there'll be a setback, I'll make some suggestions about how he could avoid getting so upset next time, try to get some commitment from him to working on himself, and then boom, he's even more depressed and withdrawn than before. And it's all my fault for trying!!!! :'(
Today, he was anxious because an old friend contacted him out of the blue on Facebook. She is someone who broke his heart without realising it (she used him - was borrowing his car, knowing he liked her, but borrowing it to go sleep with his friends... yeah just like that Offspring song, she doesn't know that he knows, he just buried it, never dealt with it.)
I spent 10 minutes on the phone with him, that went well. He had to go out to an appt, got him to drop around at work afterwards, everything fine, until I tell him how I feel that he relies on me so much and no one else... whenever he has a problem it's always me he turns to (and his oxycontin pills), and how GROW would help him and how I found out they've just opened a new group around the corner, and I could take him there.... and how if he would just resolve to get well (the second step of GROW's recovery program) it would help us both so much... and how I feel that he makes about an inch of progress every year, and it could be more like a foot if he would try.
So of course he shuts down completely, gets more depressed, will now go home and be depressed, probably use up the rest of his painkillers (demand them off me when I get home). He'll be low and suicidal and it's all my fault for trying to get him to want to be well.
Is something wrong with me?
Is there a better way to deal with this?
How the hell do you get someone to want to get better? The only progress we have made this year is because he reached such a low point, running out of his pain killers and being totally sleep deprived that he hallucinated and got put on a new med (anti psychotic) that has actually amazingly helped with his anxiety... but now his depression is sticking out like a sore thumb.
I am supposed to go away overnight for two nights next month - the first time we will be separated overnight since July 2003. God I need a break, but is it fair for me to leave the kids with him?
I don't know what to do ....
help him get other help
Submitted by arwen on
You don't say in your post whether your spouse takes any meds for his ADHD or whether he is in counseling for either his ADHD or his anxiety (and I'm sorry, I can't remember from your other posts), so it's a little hard to give you a solid answer.
Clearly your spouse needs someone, or even several people, he can bring his problems to. A counselor can deal with his general issues, but your husband probably also needs someone he can talk to when he has a situation that can't wait for a counseling session to deal with. A group like GROW can also be helpful, but again isn't typically available on short notice.
I understand very well that you may feel overwhelmed with being the only person your husband turns to. It's a heavy burden. But I have to say candidly that the tone that comes across to me in your post is that you are trying to "unload" dealing with your husband's problems onto someone else. And if it sounds like that to me, it may also sound that way to him. If that's the case, it's not surprising he would end up feeling depressed.
My sense is that your basic idea is sound, but how you are presenting it may be scary to your spouse, or may sound like rejection to him. Or if he feels he has to handle it all by himself, it may seem overwhelming. So it might be more useful for you to suggest that you and he *go together* to whatever kind of counseling or support group you feel will be helpful to him -- and to you, because you sound like you need some counseling and support, too, as so many of us non-ADHD spouses do. After a while, as he becomes more comfortable with the counselor/group, he can start going on his own, or you can go only some of the time.
I don't know if you can do a great deal to motivate your spouse to "get better". (I certainly was never able to do so with my spouse -- all I ever managed was helping him to see that he would be less miserable over time if he worked on changing some of his behaviors.) But it's possible that this isn't your spouse's true problem. Your spouse may be having a very hard time seeing why a support group will make any difference. (And indeed, all by itself, it may not be enough.) Your spouse may be feeling very anxious about making changes in his support system.
So you may need to find out if your husband is actually reluctant, or whether he's just apprehensive. If it's the latter, you can help ease him through the transition. If it's the former, you may need to see if you can find someone who has been through your husband's experience, who can reassure him of the value of working with a counselor or group.
I don't have a clear idea of how much you appreciate the impact of chronic pain. It's very hard to deal with, and it can be very very depressing. It can be hard to be motivated about *anything* when you are in chronic pain beyond a certain level. So I don't think you should stop helping your husband -- I think you maybe need to do whatever you need to, to get a broader support system in place -- in both his best interests and yours -- and figure out where you handholding is most critical, most useful, limit your efforts to that.
In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with you! You're just laboring under a dreadful load. And I don't think it's unfair to your spouse for you to take a short break. (I feel compelled to say, though, that I'm less sure whether it's fair to your *kids*.) Is there a relative or neighbor who can check in while you're gone? Or a responsible neighborhood teen who could be paid to help out during the daytime when you are away, i.e. a "mother's helper"? This kind of arrangement might take some of the pressure off your spouse and some additional stability for your youngsters.
Good luck!
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
Thanks Arwen
Submitted by sapphyre on
Yes, I would go with him to the GROW sessions initially, you can go to up to three as moral support.
He is much more resilient than he used to be. I am not used to that yet. I keep expecting dramas, suicide ideation, etc... but he's been on FB all afternoon distracting himself and doesn't seem that stressed! Meanwhile, I feel like a wreck, hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.
And the kids are primary school age. They usually all get along fine. I think I'm extremely anxious about something going wrong while I'm away ... then I'd feel like I could never do it again. :(
I need a massage. Haven't had one in a while, must book one for Saturday. I might do that now.
Commendable
Submitted by tornadoscott on
First let me say that trying to help your husband is an amazing thing that you may never get enough respect or credit for but know that it is an amazing thing to do for another human being. This cannot however be a one way street. Everybody realizes at some point that they must change, for the lucky ones it comes sooner, for most it comes later. I don't have many answers for you but I know that I wake up each day, take my Vyvanse and prepare to do my best and that's really what your husband has to find the framework and strength to do. Sometimes my best isn't good enough but I go to sleep knowing I get another chance the next day.
I made a list of the best parts of me (with the help of my girlfriend) and I read them each night before bed. It's important to remember that we each bring amazing things to the world around us, not just our ADD or our problems. See if you can try that, sure its simple but if it's one thing I know it's that we have to be open to trying or doing anything that might help (within reason of course).
I started writing about my life with ADD a couple of weeks ago. I haven't gotten the hang of writing so much yet but it I'm getting better at it. Maybe you'd like to read it. http://myfastmind.wordpress.com
I would encourage everyone with ADD to keep a journal or log or blog. It really helps to get your thoughts out and may be a good way to start opening some lines of communication with others in your life.
Other than that I'm an open book and will answer just about any question about life with ADD, so if you or anyone else has a question just ask.