My husband and I have had the same system for our finances for about ten years now. We put all of our income into our joint checking account and each week an allowance of $30.00 is transferred to our own personal checking accounts. This becomes our personal money that we can spend on whatever we want without question. My husband just received two bonuses through his job, one for several hundred dollars and one for a couple thousand dollars. I already knew about the one that's a couple hundred dollars and I agreed that that bonus could go to him personally because it was for work that he did outside of his job. Today he came to be about the one that is a couple thousand. He said that he wanted to use some of it to get some new clothes. I told him that I remembered him saying that he really needed a new phone, so I'd be OK with him using some of that money to get a new phone, but I'm not OK with him spending the money on new clothes. He's unhappy with me because of this. He said that he thinks that his "fun money" should be used for things that he wants to by. He says that he doesn't want to buy clothes, but since his clothes are wearing out and they don't fit anymore that he needs to buy new clothes and since it's a "need" then he shouldn't have to use his personal money for that. I told him that in my opinion, there's too much variety when it comes to buying clothes for that money to come out of our joint budget. I said that he could buy clothes at the thrift store or wait around for big sales in the off season to buy clothes. He could also use 60 of his 120 dollars that he gets a month to buy an item to two (or several depending on how he chooses to purchase them) and still have 60 dollars left over!
To me this is an issue of financial responsibility and a lesson in planning rather than an issue of needing something that he can't afford. But the problem is that we don't agree and he thinks that it's just me who thinks this way and that means that I'm controlling the finances and keeping him from spending money that he thinks he has the right to spend. I'd say this comes up about twice a year (when he notices that he doesn't have much to wear) but his actions don't change and he finds himself in this pickle again and again
Any help that can be offered in navigating this situation would be appreciated! We just started seeing a couples counselor to help with our communication, so I'm planning to bring this up there too.
If it helps my husband has been diagnosed with adhd and currently takes a non-stimulant medication.
I agree with him
Submitted by adhd32 on
I honestly wish my ADHD husband cared about his clothes and appearance. He has gained considerable weight from sitting around on his phone and everything he owns is at least 10 years out of date. If you aren't stretched to the max and have some wiggle room why is the purchase of something he needs relegated to thrift stores? Buying and wearing new clothes one loves is often a positive experience and a way of outwardly expressing oneself. I'm am not sure why part of his bonus cannot be used by him to treat himself unless there are other financial woes not mentioned.
ETA: Life is short. How happy would you be looking back on this if something were to happen to him tomorrow? To me it seems petty because of your rules about discretionary income limits of $30 per week. Not sure you can buy more than one shirt for that. He should get the phone and the clothes. HE earned the bonuses (defined as a reward for good performance). Maybe consider a different tact and celebrate his good fortune together rather than you taking control and restricting his pride of his job well done.
Confidence clothes can bring
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Maybe you feel stressed by the family's economy or have experienced bad financial decisions in your husband. In that case I totally understand cold feet when it comes to fast spending.
If not, I'd suggest you show generosity around your husband's wardrobe. If you encourage spending to make him look good and feel confident, that is a very personal and loving gesture. You could perhaps enjoy a little shopping together to celebrate his success and treat both of yourselves to something nice?
/ Read your post again and get the impression you buy clothes with fun money and he uses his for other things. I do understand in that case you feel like he reaches into another account for clothes, than what you agreed on. Could you maybe have a special clothes account each? Sorry about the misunderstanding.
Actually the whole dynamic is dysfunctional IMO...
Submitted by c ur self on
I love it when I see spouse's work together (transparency)....And as most on this site know, if one spouse has some difficulty in spending, long term planning, or impulsive action's it can cause issues, it can lead to knee jerk decisions like attempting to mother, think for, or control....Which are all highly disrespectful, and will always lead to conflict and disagreements and inability to communicate....
I suggest in the area's you can't find agreement, that you find acceptance...If there are things about you, or him, that the other can't agree with, that you practice calm respectful boundaries over attempting to force your will on each other...Aren't the primary quality's of our union's suppose to be commitment, love, and respect? Thing's that build us up? We can't take back the things that scar's our hearts...
c
Fun money.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I don't see anything wrong with your husband deciding to use his "fun money" towards new clothes as long as the bills are paid.
I don't see the problem with it. I'll admit this post was a little triggering for me because I have an ex husband who controlled every cent that I spent whether I was working outside the home or not. He got to spend money on whatever he wanted, but I did not.
We have a slightly similar system...and...
Submitted by swampyankee on
Our accounts are all joint--although, for reasons which may become clear as you read this, I'd like to separate them entirely. We have separate (joint) accounts for different uses. So: clothes money goes in the clothes account, car money goes into the car account, "event" (birthdays) money goes in the event account....you get the idea. However, ADHD impulsivity still rears its ugly head, even in these "practical" areas..for instance my (un-diagnosed, in-denial) husband literally told me one morning that he was worried about taking out a line of credit to fix our roof--which was not something we could wait to do since our insurance company had informed us they would not renew our policy unless we did so--and in the afternoon was impulsively inviting the kids to go to London with him this summer.
A few weeks after that...after he had hyped up the kids' hopes and basically made an-all-but-firm commitment to go to London with them, he started a conversation by saying he wanted to talk about finances...and then went in on his plan to use one of the kids' birthday event money for his London trip. He even tried to convince both me and the kid that a trip to London was the "only thing she wanted for her birthday." It wasn't, of course. It wasn't even something she'd ever thought of until he brought it up.
To make a long story short, after I put the kibosh on the "use joint event money for my impulse trip" idea, he reluctantly took the money out of his retirement savings instead. But not before turning the whole debacle into a war.
...and to your specific issue, clothes? Don't get me started. I'm the one who shops at thrift stores....and waits to buy clothing...because he always needs the best, newest, etc clothes and it's too hard to argue with him to maybe let me use some of the clothes account to buy, say, a new pair of hiking boots to replace my worn out 10-year-old pair.
Bottom line, I understand how tough it is to have a logical financial discussion with someone who genuinely feels like they "need" whatever they really just want, and they "need" it "right now". It's exhausting.
If I were you I'd maybe work to further separate your finances so that truly only bare necessities are joint endeavors. Like utilities, rent, mortgage, etc. Everything else....let him figure out how to pay for it. That way you aren't constantly fighting the same losing battle.
Good luck.
How this probably feels from the ADHD side
Submitted by alphabetdave on
I don't think this post really gives enough context to tell who's really "in the right" or not - we know a little bit about how your finances work but not a lot about the general dynamic
But reading through this post I can't just automatically agree that he's in the wrong (full disclosure I'm an ADHD spouse, but I don't have any interest in siding with other ADHD spouses in their marital disputes - if anything it's easier to spot fault when you have zero investment in the relationship so my heart breaks reading the stories of what some non-ADHD spouses have gone through)
He earned a (presumably unexpected?) bonus at work, and then showed some degree of impulse control by consulting you about it (rather than running off and spending it all as many ADHD spouses might), wanted to use some of the money towards clothes (didn't just assume it would be OK to use all the money for what he wants), and ultimately asked if this was OK
Your response was not just that this wasn't OK, but to imply some degree of irresponsibility on his part for suggesting this. Honestly his actions that you've described, are pretty mature and responsible considering he has ADHD, and tbh I'd struggle to label them as "irresponsible" for someone who didn't either.
If money is incredibly tight and the money he wants to buy clothes with is desperately needed for something else, then this is a different story, but given that you're suggesting he uses it to buy a phone I naturally assume that this isn't the case - ultimately as long as he's not wasting money that's vital for some other purpose, you have a disagreement on how to use some of the surplus money that he earned and I don't see why you need to have the last word on the issue