Hi all,
I've been reading through the forums, almost incessantly and way into back years, as I'm sure many of you have also done as you try to process everything that is happening. Im
so thankful for all of your collective wisdom.
I'm a non ADHD spouse, and one thing that's been nagging at me as I read is, how much of these common issues would happen in a non neurodivergent marriage? In other words, is it something I need to work on, regardless of partner?
I finally realized that I have some non-negotiables for a partnership, regardless of neuro status:
1) He has to stand up for me and have my back. He doesn't. Ever.
2) He needs to care about me. Meaning, show some sympathy or compassion if I'm really really sick. Or, give me a hug if I'm really really sad. He doesn't. Ever. In fact he's left me to die - and he's left me while my child was dying.
3) Collaborate with me to meet challenges that life presents. He can't. Ever. No matter what topic I bring up, no matter how inertly, his rejection sensitivity kicks in and he flies into a rage. Then starts blaming, deflecting, denying.
What else matters? We're 0 for 3.
Are you experiencing the same? Any insights on how to get him to see that he's essentially negligent in our marriage?
I think mostly I'm recording this for posterity, as I move through all the emotions. On the side I'm looking up rental apartments in my area. :(
Clear
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Your description of non-negotiables is crystal clear and to the point. It applies to me too. My husband scored the 2, but not 1 or 3. That's why I stayed for so long. He was extremely caring, but had no executive capacity to act.
I do think a lot of ADHD marriage problems appear in other marriages too. Have realized though that I will never be able to compare really. It's so hard to understand what's in another person's marriage, even your best friends.
Catterfly, I ache for you. With your clarity of thought, I think in the end you'll be fine.
Caring
Submitted by Catterfly on
That must have been so hard, Swedish. Caring has to be the most important part of a partnership and I think it was so brave of you to accept that loss. I've read some of your post history and I can really feel my courage picking up, having seen you already go through this. Thank you so much for sharing with us all.
‘something I have to work on’
Submitted by honestly on
All you've asked for is loyalty, kindness and respectful communication from a partner. I'd say this is not something YOU need to work on; you just need someone who can show up with that in their repertoire. We end up doing sooooo much work to try and achieve the basics - to be heard, to be treated kindly, to be supported - that we start to feel that it will all always be a struggle. I finally talked to my mum about this - about how I've kept on going for years because we are told that marriage is hard work, and she said 'But not hard work like pushing a massive boulder up a hill; hard work like studying for an exam and doing well in it - satisfying'.
Not everyone has this baseline stuff - I know that there are lots of unhappy relationships out there that don't involve ADHD - but everyone who's happy in their relationship probably does.
Thank you honestly
Submitted by Catterfly on
Those are really poignant words from your mom. Thanks so much for sharing.
I had the same understanding of marriage being hard work. I remember talking with my dad about it when we got engaged 18 years ago. At that time, he said that I can't expect a 32 year old man to behave as well as he would at 56. I adored my dad so I understood that I was likely putting unfair expectations on my then-fiance.
Now my husband is closer to 56 and I can see that the problems were much bigger than, as your mom said, something that could be studied and learnt.
It may be time to lovingly leave the boulder on a plateau.
adjusting downwards till you can’t go any lower
Submitted by honestly on
Thank you Catterfly. I found your post really poignant too - that parental advice given and followed but without anyone having the awareness of neurodivergence that would have allowed us all to know that learning would not happen and mutual understanding deepen in the hoped for way. I spent years lowering my expectations; they could go no lower. I guess they must have hit some kind of bedrock in me because I'm just not prepared to take any of it anymore. I am at 51 absolutely furious for my wasted time, my fatigue, my loneliness in my marriage and the effectively single parenting I have done. I am done pushing and all I need to do now is get out from behind the boulder before it crushes me completely.
Sad
Submitted by Catterfly on
It's all so sad. I feel empathy for you, for our partners, and for all children involved too. No one is getting what they need right now.
I'm sending you a hug.