Guys, it's been one of those days...neither me or my diagnosed spouse had a good sleep, we are both under stress and he committed to plans but then changed them and did not communicate them to me. Which then led to me trying to go about the day to the plans that we made, only to find out - and have a tension filled spat in front of our son - that he changed his mind and then tried to push back and point the finger at me for my frustrations...when he won't acknowledge his role. So once again I have to pick up the pieces of his mess. And a lot of his messes I don't clean up anymore but these types affect me and our son greatly. Behaviour is a language and he's constantly telling me that he's unreliable and untrustworthy. Once I got over the inital flash of anger, I tried to repair and start again after a break & some breathing, only for him to shun me (again, all in front of our son who is incredibly receptive but learning shitty behaviour) and then speak to me in a manner that makes me feel hurt, disrespected and overall just like a pile of s**t.
I will acknowledge that I'm tired, crabby and the chaos of living with my spouse has taken its toll on me, and my biggest problem is that our (me too!) communication SUCKS. it has sucked from the get-go and continues to go downhill. Something has to change but I don't know what. It's so overwhelming and so easy/familiar for me to point the finger at him but I play a part too. I just don't know how to get out of this part/role in this - truly. I can face my own s**t and I can acknowledge that I'm behaving in a way that I don't like and I'm not living in my values and I'm allowing myself to be treated in a way that I don't like.
...but damn...how the hell do I even START to get out of this? How do I start to change this? What have you all done? Is it an ultimatium? I'm so DONE lately and I'm tired of feeling like this but because I can't see over the hill that we have to climb, it's so scary to me to take that leap. So so so so scary.
I just leapt
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi Off the Roller, I can't tell you how much this post meant to me this morning.
What you described sounds like exactly what I'm going through. I've finally realized exactly the same thing (I think): that I've become bitter and angry and I'm not living in alignment with my self.
I've taken the summer off work to be with my daughter, who isn't well. But as I've been thinking through how to help her heal, I've realized that I need to heal myself, too. So in parallel I'm going to take myself on a spiritual rehab. Imaginary, of my own design, in our own home - but I can't get to the end of the summer without having made some significant progress to recover my own mental wellness.
The first step was telling my husband two days ago that I'm done. And truly meaning it. I'm leaving. I can't believe that I've put up with so many years of neglect and emotional abuse. It's like a light bulb suddenly turned on.
Ironically, he wiped out the sink this morning, and cleaned toilets yesterday. Both things I've asked him to do for twenty years but he has never done (he leaves the bathroom in a state of disaster every morning). I've also purchased and asked him to read Melissa's book (a year ago - no action taken), and signed us both up for Melissa's course (six months ago- first step taken yesterday).
After twenty years of my efforts to improve communication, task sharing, and self-reflection and understanding of ADHD since his diagnosis, this is definitely a case of too little, too late.
You've so eloquently described the frustration and desperation that this all triggers. I'm so sorry that you're immersed in these impossible feelings.
PS - What my husband took away from Melissa yesterday is that he and I have a parent/child dynamic - where - get this - he's the parent. Sigh.
Incredibly
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Incredibly scary. I don't know what to do. Even when I tried to behave like I wanted, I came rolling out undignified from the disgusting mess that was our communication.
Changed Plans can be really hard
Submitted by Luvs2Run on
One thing that has always really felt hard is feeling like I don't have freedom. When plans are changed on a whim and not communicated often it means the whole house has to revolve around his schedule. Something I've tried to do more and more is just go through with my plans.Even when it's hard and even when it feels like it will be less fun without him. Often, when he sees that I'm going to move forward with the plan without him he decides to join in. Sometimes he doesn't, but the more I do things by myself the more I find I'm capable of doing things myself. Recently I've kind of taken to asking myself what would this be like for me if I left...would I have to do this myself if I was divorced? If that's the case one way or another it will benefit me to learn to do it myself. If it's something that will be BETTER if we were divorced then that's a battle worth fighting I think. Maybe this is a bit morbid of a way to think of things but it does help put things in perspective for me as far as where I might let some things go and where I might want to concentrate my efforts. I'm definitely still a work in progress myself and struggling to improve my anger and yelling.
No communication.....
Submitted by c ur self on
People who live in denial of their own reality, will always be hopeless to communicate about it....I am involved in separating from my ADD wife of 16 years....And this is (denial, refusal to see her self, refusal to own her behaviors) the main reason why...."It's the unyielding, self centered, attitude of heart and mind that creates the hopelessness"
My hope for her is that once she is forced to deal w/ all disciplines of life alone, (that she uses me for now) she will at least come to some self awareness, and hopefully learn to see herself...And even someday maybe she will come to understand what she threw away because of her denial and self centered life....
We get angry and bitter only when we refuse to accept who they demand to be...Attempting to force her to care about my life, almost drove me crazy....Marriage isn't hard for people who care!
c
Same s**t, different day
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
To you all who left comments, thank you. The irony is that this morning, my husband blew up at me after not communicating (again) a change in plans only to tell me that I was 'meeting him with anger' and that I was having a pop at him. And then he made it worse by walking in to our son who was listening in the next room and then calmly and collectively, telling our 10 year about the change in plans and what will happen this morning. I mean, WTF!?!?!? I'm living in groundhog day personified and not in a good way.
And I came here to find some solace and saw this post I made a week ago, and it very much applies to me today and I'm shocked at myself because what I wrote in my original post very much happened this morning. And I'm upset and mad at myself (for letting it happen again although I'm not sure what responsibilities I have in how my husband is treating me) but also, really really HURT at the pain in the realisation that I don't feel respected or appreciated or considered in every day life here. All because my husband lets himself get so stressed and then makes choices in those moments which are so hurtful and then doesn't really move to fix or anything. He clearly stated his priorities today and I was not on it. At all. I dont' feel on it at any time to be honest. And typing it out like this is incredibly painful.
I think I have some real thinking to do but I know in my heart, it's the action that will have to happen. And any inaction on my part...means that this will continue to happen.