Struggling with loneliness without the children after divorce. Our home is so empty when they're not with me and I feel redundant in it.
It seems true what some say that 4-6 months post divorce there can be a pit of darkness. I've been in it and crawled out of it. Many days now I'm cheerful at work and can enjoy some socializing or activities on days off. Its relieving to no longer cry most days and not unconsciously draw as much attention to my pain around other people.
What seems to linger is a feeling of being spent. I have very little true excitement or anticipation. Quality of life isn't convincing. I have to remind myself every day that I deserve the same consideration as others. Some days especially with no distractions I slip into a feeling that it doesn't matter if I enjoy life or whether I live at all.
It's a comfort that old ladies allegedly do well on their own. At some point, I guess I'll be able to take care of myself and enjoy loneliness. It's just not yet.
Thank you all for keeping me company though this.
You’re still healing
Submitted by sickandtired on
Swedish, you are still in the very early stages of healing. You have to give yourself time to reawaken your feelings after being shut down so long. You waited years to see him improve, so I know you have enough patience to see this through for your own health and peace of mind. I started over at age 60, and there's plenty of love and companionship for you to look forward to. You've done the hard part. Be kind to yourself, and use this time alone to nurture yourself. You deserve it! Thank you for your kindness and wise advice to others on this forum. Hugs!
Thank you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you for your kind words. It's such a comfort to hear you've been here too and know there's hope.
It matters to us
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi Swedish,
You've been a beacon of light for so many of us, so I will say that it matters very much that you're here.
I hear you though. Contemplating 30 or 40 years alone is terrifying. The reality though, is that you won't be alone. You'll build new, even more meaningful friendships. You'll move forward in greater and greater alignment to yourself.
And then - as I told my 75 yo mom this week (she lost my dad at 57): there's always the nursing home for new relationships. I've heard that they're pretty rowdy. :)
This is what I tell myself, too. This is not the end. It's a new beginning.
Hugs for you in the meantime.
Returning to the past
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you Catterfly. I'm warmed by your generosity.
Today I met with a mentor from childhood, who is now in their eighties. That too was very uplifting. They have always inspired by their unconventional and artistic choices in life. Now decades later, I could ask more questions, mirror myself in their stories and take part of their wisdom.
It feels like reconnecting with one's young self through old friends is important at this stage. Who were we? is intimately linked to Who do we want to become?
Again, thank you. I so appreciate your presence.
Miracles of Nature
Submitted by J on
Swedish coast. When I've felt as you have, I found the loss of connection to be unbearable at times. Reconnecting with nature on a deep level always helped tremendously. There are miracles there everywhere when you look for them and find them. We're surrounded by them everyday. I never truly feel alone when I am able to do this.
J
So true!
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Nature is the best remedy for most hard feelings, I agree. This week I've spent hours outdoors after work and it neutralizes emotions.
Thank you for sharing. It's much appreciated.
I feel you!
Submitted by c ur self on
I have very little true excitement or anticipation....
When you know that for years that you were committed, and invested, and put forth love and effort, with little to nothing REAL returning, it's damaging...A healthy marriage relationship supplies our excitement and anticipation...Maybe some day...
c
I hope you have some
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Digging through the grief work, that anticipation seems distant, doesn't it?
I hope you feel some, C. Or that you will soon.
Anticipation....
Submitted by c ur self on
For years my excitement & anticipation turned into...(I should have known better :(....Beating myself up for trusting a self absorbed mind, who has no ability to make her me life an us life...So I've lived for years smothered in boundaries in order to smother my desire to freely love, and be loved....
My heart is dangerously dry, the least bit of nuture and I radiate to it...I have to be aware, and careful...LIfe is fun isn't it?
I’m so sorry
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I think of you C.
I’ve felt like that
Submitted by honestly on
But pre-divorce. I have finally started therapy and it has helped immeasurably. I think often there is stuff to be dealt with that made us vulnerable in the first place to these relationships. I know I had a lot of issues caused by narcissistic parenting, so I didn't understand my own feelings or that they mattered, and had a very fractured and insecure sense of self. This meant that I let his needs dominate mine; I absorbed his RSD, blame shifting and neglect, because I didn't think I was worth better and I honestly didn't trust my own sense of unhappiness. Nothing felt real; I didn't think I was capable of real. Therapy has helped me put my fractured together, and I feel stronger than ever before. I wholeheartedly recommend it - though you need the right therapist- I have been lucky in my current one.
So good
Submitted by Swedish coast on
That's so nice to hear!
I've had CBT therapy on and off for years and it surely does help. I think the feeling of worthlessness comes from a sense of major life choice failure. Why did I stay? Why did I pick him to begin with? Why haven't I ever lived alone long enough as an adult to learn some valuable lessons about living?
I used to think I was quite strong and talented. Now I mostly see my own weaknesses.
On the other hand, others I love have weaknesses too, and that doesn't make them less in my eyes...
Im glad you're doing well!
Learning to self-soothe
Submitted by Swedish coast on
There's one thing I might never have learned properly. I wouldn't blame my parents who did a good job parenting. But nobody taught me how to deal with pain.
Have you read
Submitted by honestly on
'The Body Keeps the Score'? It's incredibly helpful on trauma (which is what we've all been going through) and ways to recover. I'd strongly recommend it, alongside joining a yoga class (you'll get to that bit in the book). For me, all kinds of yoga are helpful, but Yin, which is strong but gentle, and focused on slow transitions and long held poses, can release so much trauma and pent up feelings for people. Participants will sometimes cry or laugh in class as the emotion gets released. I don't know if that all sounds too woo for you, but the science (in the book I mentioned) backs it up.
Thank you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'll get that book today. And yoga - it's my lifeline too. Two classes in the last week.
Thank you for your post. So kind of you.
these choices you blame yourself for
Submitted by honestly on
happen in a cultural and social context, and so they're not entirely freely made. When all your friends and family are getting married, when you feel insecure and uncertain of your future, when society tells you that marriage is an unequivocal good, and someone offers you a way to 'succeed' in that fashion, it's not easy to dismiss; even when marriage turns out to be so very hard, it's somehow harder still to swim against that tide. So please don't beat yourself up - life will do that for you anyway!
I never thought I was strong. Carrying this whole family for the past twenty years has shown me that i am stronger than I ever knew. Perhaps you can see this in yourself too?
Good point
Submitted by Swedish coast on
The carrying of everything is proof we do have some strength, I agree! And sure, we are all culturally herded towards marriage, and kept respectful of it by well-meaning others who are mainly concerned with the "success" aspect of our lives.
I find my own choices have been much more conventional than I thought I was. That too is a bit depressing now. I used to say no romantic relationship is better than a bad one. I was prepared to be alone. Now when I finally am, I feel a sliver of my former self. But that's what happens after trauma, I suppose.
Relationships.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Just reading your posts here makes me realize how easily we has human's get institutionalized based on our environment and our surroundings, and the faulty thinking we allow to mold us....We all have witnessed wonderful relationships...Being equally yoked is vital in a relationship, x10 that in marriage.....So many times in my life my focus as a man was on the things about her that attracted me....But, all the unseen things, (or even if they were visible I looked right over them at times) are much more important...
The things that attract me now would be their spirit, character, work ethic, communication level, and kindness (if all these are in a person, they will usually have normal affections)....If my own spirit is unsettled or I'm having uncomfortable feelings about a person, I need to listen to that voice...It's easy to get distracted by the superficial....We have to never get impatient w/ ourselves, when it comes to relationships....If our character and spirits are right, we must make sure we are equally yoked w/ the same....Also I need to be that person, alone as well....Relationships should never define my character or worth....God loves us all....
c
And even with those things…
Submitted by Swedish coast on
And even a person with those virtues, the most profound, loyal, kind you ever met, might be like my ex husband and wreck your life because of dysfunction...
Oh dear I'm so exhausted.
Conversation trends
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi Swedish, I just came to re-read this thread as it's become relevant to me personally in the past 24 hours, as you know from the thread I started (and I'm so thankful for your wise advice there).
Reading your posts all at once told me so much more about how you're feeling. I hope you've been able to find a strong support person and/or doctor to help you through this time.
I'm concerned for you. Sending virtual hugs.
We will get through this.