Submitted by YM on 07/11/2024.
Any advice on dealing with stream of consciousness interruption. My ADHD wife and I work together and I feel like I can barely think about what I have to do, every time Im within earshot, there's a comment, complaint, or request about what's going on in her day. 99% of those don't concern me or aren't time-sensitive, Sometimes work-related, sometimes not. I don't want to make her feel like she can't talk to me but I am exhausted at the end of the days because it takes me too much focus to do my work and context-switch all day to join in on her problems /tasks/conversation.
Any advice or perspective is appreciated.
Choosing Love ...5 Love Languages
Submitted by J on
HI Ym.....My girlfriend ( SO) does a version of this although we don't work together or are together all day. Her verbal narration of the days events in real time, is confusing for me at best. I'm not sure sometimes if she's taking to me or just talking. Sometimes there's a question in there where she expects a response but I'm never sure if it's rhetorical or a real question for the me? Sometimes it's to the cats or a person across the street doing something in their driveway. I get it. For me, that's not a hill I'm willing to die on.
There is something that has really helped me connect to her and make her feel loved and appreciated however. Learning the 5 Love Languages and knowing which ones are her number 1 and 2 ( we both took a self test ) has been hugely successful for me both: because it motivates to do things I might not otherwise do and it reminds me what things are important to her so I can continue to do them. In other words, I choose to do certain things because I love her...and for no other reason. Even when these things at times, I may not even want to do. That's where the motivation comes in....not when it's easy but when it's hard !
For example. Her number #1 Love Language out of the 5 is acts of service. #2 is gifts. #2 is pretty easy for.....#1 gets a little more difficult for me having ADHD. She want something from me, Need help with something. Need me to do something at an inopertune time....especially when I'm tired and just come home from work. Since I choose Love instead of what I want...the answer is always yes. Followed up by me doing it for her right then. This makes her feel loved since it #1 on her list. This is even when, iI just sat down and I'm exhausted and I just got comfortable. She tends to do this several ( if not more ) times an evening.....not when it's the best time for me, when it's best for her as this tends to go. This is low hanging fruit for me, I just have to remind myself why I need to do it and not default to doing it when I want of when it's best for me. I could come up with dozens of excuses and reasons not to do what she wants right now...but I know, this makes her feel loved and so the answer is always yes.
One of the Love languages on the list is words of affirmation. That might help you if it becomes a choice for you to do, and not something you'd do out of irritation or annoyance?
It's worth a shot? This really helps me choose which way to go.
J
Thank you! That's a great
Submitted by YM on
Thank you! That's a great perspective. I will look into it.
Personality
Submitted by c ur self on
Personality plays out in "how our minds work", is it a flexible trait? Yes, and No...I, or any person's attitude toward our own realities (awareness) is key....If I justify intrusive actions, then no, my interruption habit, might not be very avoidable...But, if kindly brought to my attention, and my desire is to not be intrusive, then I can view it as something I DO, and can give you the liberty to kindly point it out, when I get on a roll w/Interruptions....
Just something to consider....
Thank you for that thought. I
Submitted by YM on
Thank you for that thought. I'm sure I can find a way to point it out kindly when it gets too disruptive, especially if we have a conversation about it to get permission to point it out.
Yes, calm conversations is the time...
Submitted by c ur self on
Waiting until a behavior is grating on us to the point we are emotionally stressed, is the very worst time to address the behavior...Even if a spouse is very wrong w/ a behavior, they like us all don't want to feel scolded like a child...That in it self can produce defensiveness....Any time we address behaviors are habits w/ an adhd mind...It's best to do it in a calm moment...With their full attention (make sure you are being heard)....And do it calmly, quickly, and to the point...And w/ add minds it's best to never waste words or bring other life details into the same conversation....They need to absorb the one point you are making, and we have to realize how we address it can make all the difference...(Just a reminder, you probably know this well)
blessings
c
Similar to emails
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi YM,
I can't relate to this directly since my ADHd spouse mostly just avoids me and hides in his office.
However, I have a job where I have the joy sometimes of hundreds of emails a day. I think the record is about 500.
I dealt with it by scheduling email time in my calendar (daily), and adding to my auto email reply that I will reply in a certain window, either today if urgent or tomorrow - and also that they could text me if severely urgent.
So I recommend doing something similarly proactive down your wife. Schedule a daily hour (or whatever works) touch base that she can rely on, and ask her to log all issues for then.
I wish you luck!