Hi all, this comes with a giant trigger warning.
Some of you might be aware of my situation: 17 year marriage, DH diagnosed about a year ago. We have two daughters, one age 12 who I'm taking to a psychiatrist at the end of the month, because I'm sure she also has ADHD.
But we also have a beautiful, kind, wonderful, funny daughter who just turned 15, a year after her diagnosis of ADHD, and two years after she was very violently assaulted in a local park. :(
I've been dealing with her trauma on my own for two years, simply because H doesn't understand trauma and refuses to learn about it. In his mind, doing the best day to day stuff for mental health (wearing the right clothes, going to the gym, having the right friends), will result in her getting better. Also, meds are a source of shame for him and must be avoided, in fear of admitting some kind of failure. We have had many arguments - sometimes full out fights - about his daily yelling at her to change her behaviour.
Finally in May she made a medically severe suicide attempt, and I spent Mother's Day in the ER not knowing if my baby would survive, or even what had actually happened to her.
Since that day, I've quit work (employment insurance) and have made her health my #1 priority. After two months of the most amazing time together, creating opportunities for her and getting her connected to friends, she confessed to me almost a week ago that nothing is a detractor any more. Her pain is so great that she's willing to sacrifice her family's future in order to get out of it. Thank god we have a relationship where she was able to divulge this to me. I of course took her straight back to the ER and the childrens' psychiatric team that I''ve come to be close with. She was admitted immediately.
Here's where it gets relevant to this group: yesterday I got a call from the hospital psychiatrist telling me that she's afraid of her father's unpredictable rages, and that she can't be brought home to our house. They told him the same thing in a separate call. So the issue is not only her trauma, it's also her father's daily rages, and the subsequent fights I have with him about how they are inappropriate, or me just stepping in to mediate and protect the kids.
STILL he blames me, and says he's done nothing wrong. Complete denial. All of his rage is justified in his kind, and attributable to either me or the kids. Complete denial of his diagnosed ADHD, the RSD, or any impact on me or the girls.
Needless to say I'm leaving him, and told him so yesterday while putting plans in place, but I'm terrified to cause even more instability in my daughter's life. She has asked me to move her to a completely new town. That's how bad it is.
Since he reads this forum and doesn't see himself in it, I'm at a loss. He refuses to own any responsibility to either help our children or better himself.
I guess my question is - is this ADHD? Is there something else going on? And how did I, a high achieving woman with tons of family support, find myself as the frog in the proverbial pot, and at the same time find that I've put my children at risk??
Maybe more importantly, if he's reading your responses, is this behaviour in any way justified by literally anything I or the kids do????
help
Catterfly
He puts his pride first
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Catterfly, what terrible news. I can't grasp the level of pain.
Nothing can justify your husband's attitude. He is concerned with his pride more than the survival of his child. It's a moral abyss. ADHD or not, I wouldn't care what the reason is, there is no excuse for it.
He also shows a shocking ignorance and lack of ability to process information in a crisis.
Please get yourself and the children out of there immediately. Lawyer up. Get the medical team to witness.
You probably find yourself here by no fault of your own. It's possible to be strong, wise, educated, and have an excellent network, and still be pulled down by a partner. We are so dependent on the ones we love. We have all done it - lost our footing to a loved one's disability.
I'm thankful your children have you. Please take care of yourself in this.
Go, get out now
Submitted by adhd32 on
It doesn't matter what causes his deplorable behavior, it is affecting the entire family. It is terrifying to witness a raging person. I cannot imaging the depth of your daughter's anxiety from being subjected to his out of control behavior on a daily basis. He is abusive. Stop trying to rationalize this and save your children. Look into therapy for ptsd for yourself and your children.
Find a safe place ASAP
Submitted by sickandtired on
I am so sorry you and your daughters have to endure his rages. How can he not realize his rages are traumatizing you all daily? I agree with others here that it doesn't matter what causes his rages. My ex raged daily about everything, large or small, and it was always my fault according to him. His rages traumatized me as a 60 year old educated worldly woman. I still have flashbacks of his abusive words almost 9 years after I broke up with him and forced him to move out of my house ... I can't imagine how a troubled 15 year old could ever hope to cope with that kind of abuse, especially if he's attacking her daily. You can't afford to sacrifice her mental health or risk her becoming suicidal while he refuses to face the reality that he is inflicting life long trauma onto her.
The professionals are correct about the magnitude of the crisis your daughter is facing. How can she recover if he's in her face daily raging or blaming her?
You need to find temporary housing and get out ASAP before the divorce in order to give your daughters a peaceful home. If doctors have straight up told him his rages are the problem and he refuses to believe it, there is little hope that he will change. You have the courage to do the right thing to protect your children. My sister committed suicide due to verbal abuse. Please don't wait too long to act like my family did. Your children's welfare must always come first.
In the end it doesn't matter what it is
Submitted by swampyankee on
Although he hasn't turned violent, my husband's dysregulated temper tantrums, rants, and rages have always been traumatizing to me and to my children, and they have always been my fault in his mind. Even now that I've told him in no uncertain terms that I will not have that kind of energy in my life anymore, he still can't see that his reactions are his own and not "caused" by anyone else. I am still "doing stuff to him" in his mind. And until he does own his own actions without trying to blame others for them, he will never change. So in the end, it doesn't matter if it is ADHD or borderline personality disorder or past trauma in his life that causes him to rage daily at the people he is supposed to love. And when I say "it doesn't matter"....I mean it doesn't matter to you. It will certainly always be an issue he'll need to work on to be successful in his life. Believe me, I know it's hard to sit back and watch our spouses self destruct like this, but sometimes we just have to take our hands off the wheel and watch them steer themselves into the ditch. What matters now, to you, is your own well-being and that of your kids.
I second everyone's opinion that you need to get out of this now. That's probably easier said than done. Just know you are not alone in this.
Can’t save him from himself
Submitted by Catterfly on
Thank you, swampyankee, you're so right about this. We get raised to learn that we help our spouse "through sickness and health" - but there's a line that is crossed when they're the cause of the sickness, and especially when they've clearly passed it on to the next generation.
Thank you for your thoughtful comments.
I'm so sorry, Catterfly
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Echoing everyone else here - get out as soon as you can. I think your daughter's idea of distance is a good one if legal and reasonable (won't upset the other daughter, won't take you far from your support system).
I would say don't blame yourself. Most of us got to the darkest places slowly and getting out is never easy. Sometimes it takes an event. You are doing all the right things and there are massive weights on your shoulders right now, so be kind to yourself.
My ADHD ex had no ability to hold space for other people's emotions. He acted as though they were an inconvenience to him. He certainly couldn't empathize. He acted as though everyone else was the problem. He had no self awareness so he could never see his negative impact on others, including our daughter. I can tell you that my daughter is much happier and more well-adjusted since we left. Her mental health and anxiety have improved so much. I very much wish the same outcome for you. Wishing you and your daughters health and happiness in a brighter future that starts now.
Impact of rage
Submitted by Swedish coast on
To me, rage episodes seemed a last resort when my ADD ex-husband had exhausted himself and still couldn't make himself understood or approved of.
I imagined rage is a desperate measure in the face of failure. A mind struggling in a world without rewards. It was sad, and I could understand that with enough frustration and pain, rage will surface in many of us.
I thought rage was manageable, even though it couldn't be reasoned with and couldn't be made to follow any decency rules. Like an anxious dog can snarl and misbehave, but it doesn't really matter as long as it doesn't bite.
With this analyzing approach, I accepted way more rage in my spouse than I should have. It doesn't matter I knew it was just a sign of weakness, it still had it's impact on me. My children had to listen to it at night and were frightened. My body froze to the verbal violence, though I reminded myself I was never in any real danger. And now I'm traumatized by it. My nervous system has to be re-taught how to rest, and play, and trust, and be inefficient. I watched rage with eyes wide open. I didn't realize the impact it would have on my body and mind.
Nervous system trauma
Submitted by Catterfly on
Swedish, I've been following your journey with admiration. I know how hard it's been for you, as many of us here, and thanks to your honest and vulnerable posts, I understand what I'm up against once I leave. It's by no means the panacea that we hope for, at least until we process the trauma. But at least it gives us time to do so.
I look forward to the day that you say you're doing better. Til then, we're all here to find a moment of peace and support together. I send you my very best wishes that your recovery begins soon and gathers momentum.
Catterfly
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you Catterfly. I just want to assure you a bit: life isn't that bad. Which means what you may be up against isn't so bleak! I can enjoy myself fully now from time to time, and I'm surrounded by loving family and friends.
I come to the forum to work at grief and turn it, looking at it from all angels. It's helpful. But it's not the whole picture of my life in the present moment. I wouldn't want to increase anybody else's pain or anticipation of pain...
Thank you for your kind words.
You haven’t increased my pain or fear
Submitted by Catterfly on
Please rest assured that you haven't made me scared or impacted my choices. If anything you're showing that it can be done and helping me to think everything through by sharing angles that I hadn't even considered. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, whichever path you choose, and it's nice to have virtual friends on the path. :)
Yes
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It's so nice to have virtual friends sharing this. I'm full of hope for us.
Describing your experience
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
This is not about the topic of the thread, but every time I read your posts Swedish Coast, I have the thought that you should write a book about your experience. The way you describe things makes one really feel the emotion very deeply.
There is such pain but tenderness in what you write. I do hope that one day you'll find that playful, free and vibrant person that you truly are, again. Your writing resonates closely with my experience, and your words help me to understand so much more of myself. I am truly grateful.
Im grateful too
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm grateful too for your observations that are so precise and thoughtful. It's invaluable for me to think all this through together.
Thank you Haveaniceday for your presence.
Definitely there needs to be a book
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
I've been reading your responses from afar and this particular one made me smile - just think! There is DEFINITELY a market for a book like this, I feel like a lot of the time I'm inudated with books and all that about how I have to learn about ADHD, etc. And understand their shame and acknowledge their hurt, etc. Some days I'm here for it...other days I want to throw those books in the bin. There SHOULD be a book written from the non-ADHD perspective (@Melissa?? Are you reading this?? :) ) solely - so it's not a 'how to work together' or better your marriage, etc... but a depiction and hard look at what it's like to be on the recieving end and impact of having someone in your life with ADHD. I think as well, it should include kids who have grown up with ADHD parents as well - I could contribute to it definitely! :)
You’ve all given me so much tonight
Submitted by Catterfly on
To all who replied so quickly, thank you so much. I needed to hear the tough love (stop over analyzing and go now!), the validation from all of you that this is really terrible and it doesn't matter what I've done to deserve it, or whether I've done enough to help him, your stories of tragedy (sickandtired, I'm so devastated for you and your sister), and your stories of hope (1Melody1, I'm so glad to hear that your daughter is thriving after you left). You've also given me a framework to think of this from. Swedish coast, your description of the moral abyss and shocking ignorance really really hit home for me, as well as your poignant thoughts on rage in general).
Since writing last night, I've taken steps to find a safe and secure place to stay together (myself and both girls) once my daughter is released. Immediately. I also made an appointment with a family lawyer on Monday, and a therapy appointment for my youngest on Monday am.
Therapy for me (adhd32, you mentioned PTSD) will be booked as well. I found a not for profit that supports parents of suicidal teens - although we know this situation is much bigger than that.
I've also been looking into new towns and new opportunities, and a chance to reinvent myself now in my late forties, while providing opportunities for the girls.
I could hardly read all of your responses tonight though the tears. I wish I could give you all a hug and tell you how much you've meant to me over the past few months, and especially today. Thank you thank you thank you.
Catterfly
Impressive
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm relieved and impressed that you've already done these things for yourself and your children. That is wonderful.
Thank you for sharing. So glad you're on your way to a safe place.