Sorry all, this will sound self-pitying. I'll write it anyway because I need to take down these realizations when they come.

Have been struggling for a few days. Am very unhappy. Have dwelled in memory of the deepest despair of the past year.

The therapist tells me I suffer from trauma and have been manipulated. Vacation makes it unavoidable. No distractions.

The issue is so simple really. I did everything I possibly could to save our marriage. I did everything I could to choose honesty, and vulnerability. I worked hard to be close to this passive turned away dishonest weak depressed anxious man with severe ADD. We had excellent therapy. He didn't do what the therapist recommended. He forgot to honor the agreements we made together with the therapist. He didn't communicate.

He had put me under terrible strain for years by stating he was incapable of taking adult responsibility for our family. He let me toil. We lost our social network because he had social anxiety. Then during divorce, he claimed he could suddenly take all this responsibility. And he has had the children lived with him 50% of the time since, even though I take care of all clothing, haircuts, hygiene issues, social obligations, proactive work, activities for them. And I worry that life at their father's is passive and unhealthy.

During divorce he slandered me. He told me I was unreliable. He said I took no responsibility in life, making myself a victim and blaming others for everything. He said I had a narrow distorted perspective. He said he wished we'd been divorced much earlier. He said I would have to rethink how I related to people in general because I was useless at it. He said he didn't and wouldn't care about my opinion anymore. He didn't care what would become of our relationship after divorce, it was over. He said I had better cooperate with him for the sake of the children, it was my duty. He scorned me for my pain and for my referring to former agreements we'd made. He scorned me for acting like I thought living with me was such a precious gift. A lot of this was said with a rage face.

He's a professional in the field. I had been open and shared my insecurities with him. He phrased it like I was someone to be evaluated by him. It would have been easier to be called a stupid c...t. 

After divorce he claimed he had no regrets and he had meant every word he said. 

These are facts. They are simple.

And reading about trauma I score quite high on those questionnaires.

It's hard to realize my confidence is actually gone. I thought it might be due to ageing, and professional disappointments, but really of course it's not about that. It's that we were socially isolated for so many years, that I struggled so hard, and was then trying to keep calm and kind during the last months while he showed me I was worth nothing.

Due to recent reminders of other history (systematic invalidation of my thoughts and feelings since childhood and some earlier losses) I right now feel every destructive force has centered on this beautiful week in July. And I have to admit I have no confidence left.

Realize I don't particularly care if someone wants to brush this off as victimization or self-pity. It's simple. It's there. I have no illusions that it will go away until I've worked it through.