Hello,
I just wanted to look for support or help since I don't know how to handle the situation. My ADHD husband is not on medication, he's going to the gym to help him manage it. Doesn't seem to be working tbh... but anyway. My sister and mom are here for vacation, its been about a month now. They will be here for two more weeks. And whatever my sister does aggravates my husband. My sister is diagnosed, not managing ADHD, and no meds.
He gets annoyed whenever she talks. He says that my sister has a crush on him. He is rude at times to her. He doesn't like being around her says that whatever she does triggers him because he feels like crap cause he's done the same to me prior. But before he was diagnosed he didn't have any of these issues and actually pitied her. Now, its this insanity or what feels like insanity. I'm caught in the middle. I don't know what to do. I don't think I've even given a good explanation about the situation. I just... I'm at a wit's end. I guess, I just wanted to know if anyone has observed their ADHD spouse interacting with another person with ADHD and how that usually goes...
Long vacations
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Sorry about the conflict in your family.
Are your mother and sister staying with you now? To me it seems very likely that in any setting, some irritation happens if guests stay more than a few days.
I also have witnessed a great deal of animosity between ADHD family members and others. I don't know what specifically is the thing with your husband and sister, but sometimes it seems the traits we share with others can make us dislike them...
I hope they both might get treatment to relieve your general situation. Also, I hope you can still enjoy your summer and not feel like you have to pacify and run between these family members. It can be so stressful.
He is seeing himself in her
Submitted by adhd32 on
My ADHD H would get angry with our son when he exhibited typical adhd behaviors yet H did them too! If I pointed out to H that he too does the exact thing, he would get angry and claim I was protecting our son and I should have been a lawyer since I was always standing up for other people. I do stand up for others he has issues with because H cannot give grace and think that maybe someone he was angry with could have just lost a parent, or was distracted with family issues, or had something heavy they are dealing with. There is no live and let live with him, everything that he doesn't like or understand is a reason to be rude or angry. Perhaps sis is driving home a visual of what living w an ADHD person is like and he cannot admit that his exact behavior is as annoying to you as her behavior is to him.
Six weeks is a long time for anyone to have their in-laws perched on their couch watching their TV and changing the rhythm of the household. Did your H agree to this lengthy visit beforehand? Personally I could not host a guest for longer than a week, nor could I be a guest in someone's home for more than a few days. Maybe a shorter visit next time or visit them without your H?
Badly
Submitted by honestly on
My ADHD OH (we now, as a family, also suspect autism) has been loosely part of a social group for years. He has, over this time, expressed a lot of frustration with the other men involved, called members 'weird', their behaviour rude - because they dominate conversations, don't listen and tune out completely when their special interests are not under discussion. He considers many of their activities and interests lame and nerdy*. He's often distanced himself for a while, but eventually rejoins them because, frankly, he has no other friends locally. Three of the guys have been diagnosed as having ADHD in adulthood, the other has an adult diagnosis of autism. And the thing is, my OH does ALL THE STUFF that annoys him about them. All of it. And plenty more too.
I think he needs others to be the opposite of ADHD in order to cope with them at all. He needs people to be attentive, empathetic and listen to his monologues about his own (nerdy*) interests without interrupting. Otherwise he'll soon get frustrated.
He can, tbf, get frustrated with me for agreeing with him in the wrong way. It doesn't take much.
*no value judgment intended here. I a nerd myself, just for different things.
Yes. His sibling
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Omg yes. My husband (dx last year) has adhd and we think his sister has it but he doesn't speak to her. Has so much h rage for her. It's isnaine. They are so alike it's scary but if I pointed it out he'd flip
My theory is that adhd-ers in our lives don't want to have a mirror shining on their behaviour that causes pain and when they encounter someone who behaves in a way that has caused THEM pain or trauma or they see it causing distress for others, they just can't handle it.
I'm not making an excuse foe them either, it's what I've observed and I have NO IDEA how to handle ir or call it out. Its crazy to watch to be honest.
This is interesting....
Submitted by J on
but I really don't have an exact answer. Even as an a teenager or young adult, I use to get the sense that my father didn't like certain aspects of myself that mirrored his own too much. I think that's very much a real thing sometimes.
But oddly enough, I seem to be attracted to people with ADHD and like them alot. One friend in particular that I have in mind I really love spending time with, he makes me laugh so hard and it's so infectious I just love his personality. Another childhood friend I had also had ADHD but he and I would get into it and fight at times over stupid stuff. And despite having a rocky start, I really like the woman I work with who has ADHD. Once we've gotten to know each other, we also laugh alot. Actually, I started making her laugh which I think broke the ice. I can get her rolling at times and for the most part, we get along just fine. And I can definitely see the symptoms and even the selfish appearing behavior and even that doesn't bother me much. In fact, there's almost a feeling of kinship knowing I'm not the only one. A feeling of comradery of sorts.
BUT......I have my weird quirks and strange sensitivities to things and people who rub on those sensitivities begin to annoy me at times. One person I know with ADHD ( my SO's daughter in law ) can get on my nerves at times but possibly not with one might expect. At the same time, my SO's son doesn't bother me a bit aside from being kinda loud. Actually, they both together can be loud but I can be too. Right now, I wear hearing aides because I have a moderate hearing loss so I can turn the volume up and down so I can compensate as necessary ! Lol
Anyway, loud doesn't really bother me either. And I'm not sensitive to light, or sounds, or much of anything like that. What really starts to get on my nerves is the way in which people speak. Specifically, regional affectations like Southern California Valley Girl is one that really bugs me. Actually, affectations in general can really get on my nerves. And one gentleman I work with says "Like" so often, repetitively in his speech pattern, it begins to drive me crazy. "Like, you know, this thing, like, know what I mean? And stuff " He says "and stuff" repetitively after a great majority of his sentences. And "know what I mean? ". I'm so compelled to answer him every time he says it. Lol
I don't know if it's the repetitiveness that's doing it but it gets so irritating after a while that I begin to not like him, but I actually do like him a lot, but I don't like that thing he does. I'm getting more use to it but I find that really annoying.
But, my SO's daughter in law does this thing with her voice that I really, really can't stand. I hear other people doing it but this one is super annoying. I have a strong negative reaction to it every time I hear it. So much so, I get fixated on the thing that's annoying me and can't even hear what she's saying at times. There's also a woman on a painting show my SO watches and she does the same thing. She watches lots of these shows and this one women is the only one I can't stand. And it's also due to her speech pattern and affectation. She's also says " know what I mean" and says "okay" at the beginning and end of every sentence. And she smacks her lips together before she starts a sentence. I get so side tracked to these little things I can barely stand listening to her.
And I'm pretty sure, I don't do the things I'm talking about so I don't know why this is?
And , I don't think I'm alone here as I found a funny video on this very thing. This same thing that my SO's daughter in law does.
I'll see if I can include the video only to say, this is my weird pet peeve and annoyance. My personal problem to be sure. Other people don't seem to mind including my SO with her daughter in law so I really don't have an answer?
*This video makes me laugh out loud. Lol
(edited) Vocal Fry on YouTube
PS Both my SO's son and daughter in law have ADHD
I agree J
Submitted by c ur self on
I think the setting makes all the difference...Two adhd minds (especially friends) in a relaxed setting where there is no expectations, and no invasion of each of their protected calm spaces, they will really enjoy the interaction many times...
Of Course, it's not as simple as that....
Submitted by J on
with your intimate partner when both people have ADHD. I'm learning as I go here and it's definitely a learning experience C. And that protected space thing is more difficult when the entire house is one person's protected space! It's hard not to intrude when you live inside that same space.
There's a lot I can say here about what I've learned in relation to some of the experiences others have had ( in their comments) but a few things I know so far.
First, I really like my SO. I like her as a person, I like to be around her, I like her weirdness and funny antics, her sense of humor, shes smart and whity, I smile more often than not when she's around. I could make a long list of things I really like about her so just to say...I like her very much. Of course I love her too, but liking her is equally important in my mind. It's part of the glue that holds us together and a big one at that. I cannot imagine not having her in my life and a huge part of that is how much I like her! Part of that also is that we get along easily with very little conflict. And that part is easy too. It just comes naturally when you really like someone.
The conflicts are definitely ADHD related. I recognize that also. This falls into the category of "things she does" not who she is as a person. That much I'm very clear on.
The biggest difference between us right now is not that she mirrors me so much in our behavior or vise versa. Or that I don't like it when I see too much in her in myself. On the contrary, I'm in the process of recognizing those things in her compared to myself because we both have different ways of doing the same thing. And as I just discovered....even our neurosis are the same! Lol At least in part.
No, the biggest difference I see ( aside from sex drive ) is me, having spent the time learning about ADHD, therapy and doing the work to make these discoveries. She's taking meds...but she's not doing anything to educate herself and I can't do that part for her.
It would be much easier if I could just say: hey, your doing that thing. And she'd immediately know what I talking about because she'd be able to recognize it in herself and know what it is. I can see it in myself and her and she always can't. That's the biggest problem we face together at the moment.
Right now, I have to tread lightly and do some tap dancing which is not always my best suit or easy for me to do. Lol
I'm learning how to do that better as time goes on.
J
An Example of What I'm Saying
Submitted by J on
This one happened just the other day. We were getting ready to go somewhere, and in a frustrated moment my SO said, "You're one of the most impatient people I've ever met "
I had to really bite my tongue on that one because impatience is her middle name. I didn't ask, I didn't say anything...but I actually think what she see's more often is impulsiveness....like me, habitually starting to take my seat belt off while the car is still moving and barely in the driveway when she drives. Or starting to drive away and then put my seat belt on after I'm driving. A pet peeve of hers. This is probably a combination of both being impatience and impulsive but also, more just a habit stemming from these things Ive been doing for many years going way back.
And for the most part, I've broken this habit since she's been pointing it out. It really wasn't a hard one to break.
But....if this same situation were turned around and I said that....her reaction would be different than mine in my experience. More often than not, it would be met with defensiveness first, before anything else.
I think if she could recognize where she's impatient and also impulsive she'd probably drop the defensive part and get on with thinking of ways to do something about it.
Nothing seems to ever come from being defensive....everything stops dead in its tracks when ever that happens. Something I've noticed in the difference between the two of us yet we both have ADHD.
J
This is very common behavior between two like minded people...
Submitted by c ur self on
Like ADHD 32 say's it reminds them of their own behaviors which they love to be in denial of...Plus, it takes the spot light of their self absorbed mind....It's even worse for two narcissist....It's not your job to mange it....Step out of the middle, go enjoy yourself...I promise the more you focus on your own life, the more they will be forced to mange their own....Don't be the ear for negativity!.....Walk away!...If he tries to make you the bad guy for walking away, that's great, that mean's he's growing!
c