Often when my ADHD husband gets stressed out, he will lash out and give a laundry list of reasons why he's stressed out, and each and every thing he lists seems to have a barbed comment about how I've failed/let him down in some way. I've told him how this behavior makes me feel, but he insists that if I can't repeat exactly the things he said that were offensive he "can't change the behavior." This really feels like a cop-out and refusing to take responsibility for the things he says. I'm struggling because when it's a long list he's rattling off (which feels like kitchen sinking) I don't know how I'm supposed to remember every single word he says like a tape recorder, I just know how it makes me feel. He refuses to see any good I do, whatsoever, and is always the victim in the scenario, and I am always the villain.
For instance, this evening I made dinner, packed up our kiddo's daycare snacks for tomorrow, made up the bed (our 22 month old is potty training and had an accident on our bed), and put away the food from dinner. There were a few dishes left (a pot, some toddler dishes, cutting board, and a couple spatulas) and a little lunch left to pack. Our dogs desperately needed a walk and were begging to go out, so I told him I was going to take them around the block (about a 20 min walk normally) and be right back to help with the rest of the bed time routine. He was giving our son a bath and he said "of course, no problem, and if you need to leave some dishes or lunch packed for tomorrow it's fine I can do it." I leave for 20 mins. When I came back he was stressed out and packing lunch for kiddo's daycare. I asked what still needed to be done for bedtime and what I could help with and he went into this tailspin about how "everything needs to be done," and I left all this stuff for him to do and he had to shoulder it all alone. (This was after he told me to go walk the dogs and I told him what was remaining) I was just going to let it slide but I think he could tell I was a little annoyed by this sudden 180, and was breathing down my neck to repeat the exact words he said that had offended me. He spiraled out and we ended up not solving the issue. He went for a long walk for hours and is sleeping in another room tonight.
It just feels so crazy to even be in a place like this, and this kind of thing happens more than I'd like to admit. I don't know how else to make him understand the things he says are hurtful and if he could even say them in a neutral way or act like we're a team to any degree things would be peachy.
Anyone else experience something like this?
He can’t cope
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm so sorry. This sounds like your husband is overwhelmed by the challenges of parenthood. He doesn't cope with it all presumably because of his ADHD.
His behavior towards you is probably just a reflection of his inner chaos. He may feel if he can control things through you, he has some control. It isn't a decent way to treat a spouse, though.
I suggest he gets some help for himself. Otherwise this environment will be impossible for you and you will suffer.
Please take care.
walking on eggshells
Submitted by quiet crescent on
Thanks for this. I think it's part of it, but this sort of thing has been going on for a while. Parenthood certainly hasn't helped. He does get overwhelmed easily. I'm really struggling to balance tip toeing around overwhelming him, but he says he also wants connection and to talk about deep, meaningful things. It feels a little like being quiet all the time but ready to have a deep, philosophical conversation about something at a moment's notice. When we weren't parents that was more manageable, but having a toddler who also demands your attention makes it extra difficult.
He's reading resources on ADHD and meditation but the pace is painfully slow. We're seeing a counselor, but he's not sure it's working or worth it. I feel like my only option is to just hang on tight and wait for him to get there in his own time.
yes
Submitted by honestly on
I've experienced the lashing out, and then the resistance to understanding that the behaviour was hurtful. Since he is so obsessed with you recalling everything verbatim, maybe sidestep this and make it clear it's about tone. The words themselves are (mostly) neutral, it's the tone that makes them hurtful. He has then to be on the lookout for this tone, not get you to supply a list of words.
But basically it seems to me he is doing what my OH has always done when we have a problem of his making - he's making you responsible for solving it. And that's the intractable issue.
A good suggestion. I've
Submitted by quiet crescent on
A good suggestion. I've called out his tone many times, but he tells me he can't work on "tone and vibes" as actionable feedback. I feel really stuck.
I’m sorry
Submitted by honestly on
I don't buy it. He could if he wanted to. The only thing that works with my ADHD spouse is him realising the consequences of not bothering are going to be less desirable making some kind of effort. Unfortunately it took me 20 years to work this out, by which time I am so utterly exhausted and disappointed that all I want from him is a separation. So IDK but maybe you can get him to see where this is going and that he won't like it when he gets there...?
not buying it
Submitted by quiet crescent on
Its weird because i sometimes don't buy it either, i don't understand how it isn't clear. It seems like it should be really easy to just treat someone you love with respect instead of treating them like an enemy. But then other times I wonder if it all goes back to impulse control and him just not realizing what he's doing
What sort of consequences do you suggest?
I have a suggestion
Submitted by J on
Hi Quiet Crescent. My ADHD SO has done something similar and it definitely has to do with stress. Her stress, which primarily comes from work. Her response to this was to start complaining and criticizing me. This could go on for several days.
What I did was wait and not say anything at first. I waited until the complaining and criticizing stopped and she was not in that mode. She criticized me once more about being needy by simply asking something from her. She was also complaining about the cats being needy. She was really complaining a lot about everyone wanting something from her.
Needy = needing from me. That was my clue.
I said right back: well, you might feel and little needy or insecure if someone criticized you for several days. I don't feel needy, I feel sad.
Her demeanor softened and she said: I didn't realize.
Since then, she's been much better.
I got her to hear me. I said it once...short and sweet and didn't say anything else.
This showed me that she was unaware that she was doing this so much and it wasn't intentional on her part. She had no idea she was doing it because she was preoccupied with everyone needing something from her. She told me what it was and I heard what she was saying.
Don't need from me.
This seemed to work....at least for me.
J
well yeah this is tricky
Submitted by honestly on
because the only thing that has made my OH even attempt to change his behaviour, rather than straight up blaming me for all that's wrong in his life and any problems we have as a couple (and we have only moved a few short steps in a positive direction anyway) was me telling him I wanted a divorce. He, it turned out, had been happy. He had thought I was. All his anger had been no big deal and he hadn't thought anything I had been saying about it was 'important'. So in truth I don't know what consequences I could suggest you put in front of your OH at this early stage of your partnership, and with a very young family, unless you're ready to go nuclear. But I do know how horrible and eroding of the self it is to be cast as The Bad Guy in your relationship, when all your efforts and intentions are caring, kind, and good. And at the same time stay steady for your kids. You have told him how it makes you feel, and his reaction is that you have to be better at enabling him to fix it. Him taking responsibility, rather than deflecting it onto you, would be a step. Maybe at a quieter time you could talk about that - that it is his responsibility, and that it matters, and that he has to do the work to change, not you, since these are his outbursts. My OH honestly did not think it mattered how he spoke to me. And that, at the core of it, is the problem. When he lets fly, all that matters is expressing himself. Not who's hurt as a consequence. And i guess it was when he realised he'll ultimately get hurt too by his behaviour that the dynamic stood a chance of change. I don't know if this is universal for ADHD or just the person I am dealing with. So I'm sorry I don't know what consequences to present other than the ultimate nuclear option, but I do know that it's not your responsibility to do better. It's his. And getting him to see that is a first step, perhaps, towards functionality. Solidarity to you. X
This resonates with me
Submitted by J on
Hi Honesty,
This sounds oh so familiar. So much of what you said here was exactly what happened to me. I don't really have an exact answer, on how to get someone with ADHD to hear you and actually understand how important it is that this stuff matters but, nothing really changed with me until I went to marriage counseling which still ultimately lead to divorce. During counseling, the therapist even told me he thought I had ADHD, and even then, I couldn't hear him. It wasn't until I started reading up on things and started questioning why ( it appeared ) multiple people completely unrelated to one another were telling me the same thing. It took all these people telling me the same things about myself before the light bulb turned on and I started looking things up online. It was then, I stumbled upon ADHD and started recognizing these same things people were saying to me ( including the therapist ) and put 2 + 2 together. I remember going back to the therapist and telling him I thought I had ADHD. He said, he already told me I did and I even argued a bit telling him no he didn't. He said yes he did, and he started pulling out his notes going back a few years to show me when.
And I said....really? You did?
And he said....yes, but you were too preoccupied, thinking about other things, at the time to hear me.
This happened after I was already divorced.
It took that much over several years before I actually heard everyone telling me the same things including a therapist who told me I had ADHD, before I even started reading and talking about it with my therapist about it. I was 45 at the time.
So outside of a sledge hammer upside my head ( figuratively) I'm not sure what the answer is here either?
So to answer your question, I think this is a thing with people who have ADHD, myself included.
I guess the good news in my story was, once I figured that much out, you couldn't keep me away from learning more about it, but it took that much to get me to that point.
I sincerely hope for your sake and the sake of your marriage, your husband finally gets the message.
J
PS My SO has also been divorced twice and had multiple relationships that ended failing. She's also been diagnosed and is medicated so with her, she's pretty much got the message too from those experiences. We both had virtually the same life experiences before we got together. Getting her to hear me ( in my last post ) is probably a little easier for me to do with her. The same goes for me in listening and hearing her.
thank you J
Submitted by honestly on
That's really interesting! Without meaning to be too reductive, it does sound like it's the past experience of the nuclear option that enabled both you and your SO to be reflective and responsive in your relationship with each other. Learning by hard experience, I suppose.
I Suppose Learning the Hard Way...
Submitted by J on
....is one way to learn, but if I had only known about my having ADHD earlier, I believe that things might have been different. I'm one of those who was actually overjoyed at first in finally getting an answer to all the questions I had about my life. I actually liked going to therapy and learning everything I could. So, for me, I'm guessing, I would have done the same thing no matter when it happened?
But I was very willing to do just about anything to not get divorced again ( a 2nd time ) and I very much wanted to stay married. It wasn't my decision to get divorced.
I was simply ignorant to anything that had to do with ADHD ans I knew virtually nothing. If, my ex-wife would have been willing to take the journey ahead that would have been my first choice.
I also believe, that we weren't a good match either. We had too many differences to make it work ADHD or not. That hurt was especially motivating to make sure it didn't happen again.