Hi all - im a male/44 - possible ADHD 17 years been married to a female/44 with diagnosis for ADHD. This weekend she told me she wants a divorce and i am in crises and need help.
We have always had a fiery relationship, much of this was to do with my own unresolved trauma from childhood things and possible Autism and ADHD. I was extremely selfish as a young man and really treated her badly, not actual abuse but definelty significiant unkindness.
Over the years we have had numerous blow out arguments - ones where rage is so powerful that you cant even breath. She has left me twice over the years but then come back
We then produced a beautiful daughter 7 years ago.
The last time she left - i realized that much of my own issues were due to my trauma so i resolved to tackle this through professional therapy. I have been doing this for around 18 months now. I have made tremendous strides, i have become kind, attentive, concentrated on making connection and the last six months have been amazing, on one instance even leading to initiation of intimacy from her (never happened in previous years). The rage arguments have larley ceased (one in last 12 months) i am better both mentally/ health wise and have developed a growth mindset.
I love my family intensely and don't want to lose them.
In the last 3 months i started to research the issues that ADHD had on adults. However work got in the way and a period of heavy work travel meant i only started.
Then this weekend she sent me an email listing that she wanted a divorce, i was floored - especially after all the work and effort.
It was very matter of fact, she had a call with a solicitor and had been talking to friends and had written teh email some weeks prior. The only section where she gave a reason is here:
"Just do not love you in the way you deserve to be loved. You are perfect for someone else, you have a lot to offer and deserve to be loved and treated well, but I’m not that person, not anymore.
The next thing for you should be real and full of love, respect and mutual appreciation, something I can no longer offer you. I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore.
I want you to be happy, but it’s not with me, I am confident after the initial shock that you will move on and find someone to make you smile again."
She suspected i would be angry with her (i am not) but then closed the email.
We then had a talk a couple of days ago about it. I don't want to break up the family and explained the impact on our daughter and fiances, i explained that i think that a MOST of our previous argument history was due to un diagnosed and untreated ADHD.
Now the part of significant interest ot me is this. She admits she holds resentment to me for all the things done to her over the early period in our lives. She is right and i was horrible - 2020 being the last of this. When i explained that this was historic she will say that to her it feels like it happened yesterday. She also by her own admission has a tendency to ignore all the good that i do and focus on the bad.
From what i have researched, getting therapy and medication for ADHD can help with this - it will allow her to hopefully see the real me and try to resolve some of her resentment and trauma. She suffers from noise sensitivity and distraction too.
I have my part to play in this too, trauma nad my own adhd need help - but i think i am more dominant Autusim than ADHD and need another 12 months i think.
I really feel like through help she resolve the resentment but for the time being she is adamant on divorcing me. She has moved into my dauhgters bedroom and we are still mostly a family - but it has only been 6 days. She hasnt filed for divorce yet but wants to soon.
I feel like on previous seperations, they were a cry for help., this time feels different.
Would anybody have any advice for me please - i am desperate.
I’m sorry
Submitted by honestly on
This sounds awful for you. I have just a couple of thoughts, as someone closer to your wife's situation than yours, though I don't have ADHD. Firstly 'Negativity Bias' is a common human trait; it's psychologically 'normal' to be more affected by negative experiences than positive ones. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negativity_bias - so it's not unusual that your wife can't immediately get past some very negative experiences in your shared past. The second thought is that she will have written what she felt able to communicate with you, whilst expecting rage; that's almost certainly not everything that's affecting her. If you have a history of blowing up at her then you can't dismiss the possibility that she is scared. Thirdly, if you are to make progress as a couple, rather than splitting, she has to want that. Not just see that it is financially better, or that an argument could be made that it's better for your daughter (it isn't, necessarily, if there is a lot of conflict). From my own experience I know that being told you have to put in more work for a relationship that is not making you happy is utterly soul destroying. If she wants it, she will work for it. I hope that helps. I'm sorry for you, and for her.
Thanks
Submitted by vienna123 on
Thanks for the reply - i really do appreciate it. The negativity is noted and does indeed occur for all people. In this case however i do believe it is much more linked to ADHD than previously suspected. Why? Simply due to the fact that the rages from her are so powerful, objectively very diproportiaonte to the wrong that i caused. Furthermore nearly all events are really past event - some 15 plus years ago. Now i am adamant to know that this does in no way diminish that hurt. its very real and present for her.
In the past my view has been that i cant control her but can control myself and be better - i can hand on hear say that the wife i had 15 years ago would be shocked at who i am now. The time devoted to self develpment/therapy/fitness has been immense.
I think you are right with reference to finance/dauhgter - in hindsight this was worthy only for a short discussion and likley has no effect on her decision.
The problem lies in that anything good i do is overshadowed by this resentment and i simply dont know what else to do.
I genuinly see a good life for us together but it does take two
Thanks for your reply - i
Submitted by vienna123 on
Thanks for your reply - i really appreciate it. I do see the point of negativity bias - it plays a big part in many peoples lives. I think the key difference here is that the level of anger diplayed about events - some of which are 15 years ago - bear little relation to the actual act.
However I completely understand that in her view this hurt is massive, and she feels it intensley and as she said the other day - the events may be old but to her they feel like they happened yesterday.
I simply dont know how to resolve this. I feel like there is nothing i can physically do to make this resentment go away. I cant control her, so for the last two years i have made myself into a much better man, attentive, caring, unselfish.
This resentment is the single biggest issue that held is back. Im at the end of my tether.
I would appreciate any advice.
You’re right
Submitted by honestly on
I don't have your wife's rage, perhaps, but there are things that happened in my marriage years ago - 20 years ago in some instances - that I am not 'over'. I think that's because they are learning experiences. With each act of selfishness or thoughtlessness, laziness or egotism, my husband was showing me who he was. And I learned - slowly, stupidly slowly - that that was what to expect from him. So (to give one example) he shook me awake from my first nap after giving birth, when I was exhausted beyond belief, after I'd also driven him 400 miles because he doesn't drive, because my snoring was disturbing him. And that has never gone away. It laid itself down in my memory as what I was to expect from him. So however much he changes (and it isn't much) on a fundamental level I know this about him - he is man who will wake up an exhausted new mother who's just driven him for hours, because his convenience is more important than her sleep.
So yes, I suppose what I am saying is however you have changed since, what happened between you before may well have been laid down deep in her understanding of you. And we absolutely can't control when and how and if other people 'get over' these things.
I think Swedish's advice is excellent on gentleness. I am still trapped, unhappily, by my husband's stratagems, and still working hard to try and get out. It has only made me dislike him more, so that now I feel an intensity of loathing towards him that I would not have considered possible when I first asked for a divorce. It's certainly going to make amicable separation all the more difficult.
Thanks for your advice- i do
Submitted by vienna123 on
Thanks for your advice- i do understand the level of hurt that she must be experiencing. It isn't something one can just "get over". Your experience sounds awful. What a horrible thing to have gone through.
Accepting
Submitted by Swedish coast on
You write from intense pain, I'm so sorry this is happening.
I don't know the details of your long life together of course, so please bear with me if I misunderstand.
It seems to me your wife has decided on divorce. I think there is probably little to be done to change this. She has left twice and returned, but now she's decided.
I've divorced an ADD husband in the last year after decades together. I did it 18 months after his ADD diagnosis and optimized treatment. Among other things I took home the following:
ADHD medication has it's place, but it doesn't change who you are. It doesn't replace your perceptions, thoughts or feelings.
With diagnosis an ADHD person might become more resentful of a spouse who has for many years tried to make them conform to non-ADHD expectations. It's obvious those efforts were wrong all along.
So in conclusion I wouldn't expect your spouse to change her attitude to divorce with ADHD treatment. I don't think she's open to wait for change in you either.
This is one of the things where we can't change the outcome. We need to accept, as hard as it is, that the family will split. It's terrible, and might as for me take a year to slightly accept it, but there it is. We cannot change another person.
The only advice I can give is: let her go gently. Be kind. Treat her as well as you've valued her. Make a split that will give you both the best new start.
All the best to you.
Think in different terms
Submitted by adhd32 on
A common thing in therapy today is dealing with past trauma, as you are doing. What I think you are missing is that your past behavior toward your wife was traumatizing to her. In your mind you feel that because you are working on yourself now she should just move on and package up all of the hurt from the past 17 years because you feel it is historic. You have no right to tell her how to feel and no right to put a time limit on how or when she heals. She must work on the marital trauma at her own pace.. Many times it isn't one thing that the spouse remembers, it's the comments that cut so deep it is literally hard to breathe when recalling what was said by someone who is supposed to love and cherish them. The best apology is changed behavior so when promises to improve go unfulfilled the other spouse remains skeptical. Focus on improving yourself regardless of what happens with your marriage. You have a child. Work on you so you can be the best parent you can be.
Hi ADHD32. As previously
Submitted by vienna123 on
Hi ADHD32. As previously mentioned - i know its not as simple as moving on. The past trama is very real for her and i dont have a right to deny those feelings.
What i will say is that when i have changed so much since those time, apologied profusely and made mysefl vulnerable it becomes really diffficult when that isnt accepted.
We have a great life together - she will even say so - but this one issue has stopped her from seeing the changes. It feels unfair that forgiveness is not at all seen as a possible route forward.
Acceptance
Submitted by adhd32 on
You must accept that your behavior scarred your wife. You must accept that she is a whole person, apart from you, who is able to decide what is best for herself based on her experiences, past and present. You must accept that you cannot change anyone but yourself. You must accept that your life is not going back to what you had together even if she acknowledges all the work you are doing for yourself (which is commendable and will improve your life regardless of your marital situation).
As far as forgiveness goes, she may forgive you eventually, but your expectation that the results of that forgiveness will be what YOU want, is unrealistic. Like a gift, forgiveness is what the giver wants to give, not what the receiver wants to receive. Her forgiveness may be maintaining a civil relationship with you after she leaves so you daughter sees her parents getting along.