Guys...I'm struggling with managing my own reactions and behaviours when it comes to my husband's dopamine rushes. He gets the dopamine rush, buys the 'thing' and then it's discarded in a pile (like, literal pile) in our house or backyard or whatever. Or he makes the grand gesture or declaration that he's going to do something and we ALL have to get in line. Or some times, the purchase doesn't even MAKE it to the pile... it's still in the fecking box/wrapper sitting there for MONTHS if not YEARS. And the projects! The dopamine projects are everywhere in my home. I want a peaceful, reasonably clean home and I haven't been able to use my kitchen table but for 1 week out of the year practically and there are pending projects EVERYWHERE.
I'd love to say that we've chatted about it and it's just something we have to live with but he doesn't acknowledge it and bringing it up even is a fight or the defensive shield goes up or whatever. it's just overwhelming and horrible to live with and in. And the example it sets for our son is crappy too.
It feels as if I do the 'radical acceptance' on it, that I'm just rolling over and letting it be. But I want it cleaned up. Or finished. Or sold. Or addressed even and just either use it or get it out of the house!
But in all seriousness, I know that I can only control MY actions and words and all that but this is really affecting me. I'm not sure how/what to deal with it. I dont' want to live like this to be honest. I know this. But have no idea where to even start.
You need boundaries
Submitted by adhd32 on
Realistically he isn't going to become organized but the clutter does not have to be everywhere. Acknowledge his tendency and set some rules for his hoard. If he has a space in your home consider having him containing his things there. If something ends up in the livingroom, dump it in his room. Consider a clean up day where everyone pitches in to get things organized inside and out. Clear a space for yourself that is off limits to him so you can feel calm somewhere in your home. Throw out the clutter that is lying around like junk mail and empty boxes, bits and pieces of God knows what. Tell him you can no longer live in the hoard and you are willing to help him clean, finish projects, or sell items on marketplace. If he refuses to cooperate you have to decide if you want this for the rest of your life because this hoarding tendency is not going to change. .
Hoarding
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi Off the Roller,
I have a close relative who has always lived like this. I remember as a child, not being allowed to open certain doors in her apartment (including an entire bedroom) for fear that items would fall out and cause injury.
Today, she's in her 80's and it has progressed to a situation like what you would see on TV (hoarders).
I bring this up because through working with her and trying to help, it's become clear to me that all of her stuff is actually unfinished projects. The garbage needs to be kept in case she needs anything out of it for her projects. Twist ties might be good for organizing, as an example. She sees potential in every object, and of course she acquires project specific materials too. It would take her another lifetime to complete all of these projects.
It sounds like your husband is in an earlier stage of the same issue. I'm so sorry. It really is heartbreaking to see and I can't imagine living with it. It's disrupted our family and caused huge stress illnesses for some of us who feel responsible to help.
I think adhd32's advice was exactly right: boundaries, clean areas (a separate apartment for you maybe?), and acceptance that this is unlikely to get better. Another thing that helped for my relative, at least for a while, was antidepressants and therapy.
I feel for you.