Have any of you non-ADHD partners who've been badly hurt by ADHD, reached a point of forgiveness?
I would want to close this crater of pain when the first year of divorce is coming round. It's not so much about him or overseeing with his actions. Mostly, I want to be different.
It isn't over. I had a major adrenalin rush as late as a week ago because of my ex husband's long-standing, as it turned out, mistake concerning the children. His symptoms and lack of communication are still tugging at my nerves as we try to coparent via texts. He thinks he's friendly and has no idea of what he's done to me, he ignores evidence of it. I'm hurt, stressed out, have deception trauma according to the therapist.
Still, I want to find forgiveness and peace. I want to be able to show up for the children where my ex is without a migraine stopping me. I would like to make our family - because we are still a family - something I don't regret. I want to comfort old friends and extended family and tell them the divorce was necessary, but now we've put it behind us and work so well together for the children. I want to be grateful for my life, not shattered and accusing. As yet, I'm not close to this goal. I am a mess.
It's not in my personality to keep emotions locked up. Neither am I good at pretending things are different than they are. So forgiveness and acceptance must be true.
When there is no trust anymore, and you are completely estranged from your former love, how do you still write new chapters about love and trust? How do you show your children a decent and mature way to handle a crisis? How do you forgive, even if you don't see any excuse for what's been done to you?
What did you do?
an unpopular opinion on forgiveness
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
First, I want to say that I'm so sorry. I can read/hear your pain and want and need of internal peace and it feels like it should be in grasp but it's just out of reach. I've been following your story. I know you've been following mine and while I know you are in a very different place in your journey, my first thought is that it's only been a year. IN fact, if i'm reading it correctly, it's not even a full year and there are kids and having to co-parent and this will all affect how its processed and how you will move forward. My aunt went through a horrific divorce last year and it's been 18 months or so and she's starting to only now live her best life and her kids are grown adults so it was so much easier (her words, not mine) to help her move on bc once they sorted the final 'connection' of their taxes, she blocked him on everything and has no need to speak to him. I don't think this is the case for you - you have kids that need looking after and unfortunately you will have to work with him for the foreseeable future on their health (keeping in mind that you really can't control what happens with him or what he does with them, etc, you can only hold YOUR boundaries)
Ok with that being said, I'm going to flag what I'm about to put that this might cause a few people to come at me:
But..why do you have to forgive him? Like, really? Why? Why does he deserve your forgiveness right now? Especially if he isn't saying sorry and isn't remorseful, why not go and try to live your best life and get treatment/comfort for what he's put you through and you just go and forget about forgiving him (bc it sounds like he's not deserving of it anyways)????
ANd I'm not trying to be flippant at all, or argumentative, but Dr Ramani had an AMAZING talk on this and why she didn't/doesn't forgive and why it's overrated - andt his was to a white man podcaster (Huberman I think? Or someone like that) who used to preach about forgivness and not letting it eat you up inside and it's bad for your health.
Yes, resentment, anger and all those hard, heavy emotions, when they sit in your belly and don't get addressed, cause severe health issues - but you forgiving someone shouldn't be the dependant on that. My vote is to focus on yourself, the kids and living YOUR best life - whatever that may be and giving YOURSELF grace and forgiveness and in time...maybe you will forgive him, maybe not. But it won't matter, bc you will have what you wanted all along: peace.
totally my 2 cents
totally agree!
Submitted by honestly on
You don't have to forgive him, but maybe you need to come to your own peace, for your own sake. And that will take time. Regarding his ignorant attitude to your pain - that sounds just like a friend's (non ADHD) ex who eroded their marriage with day to day selfishness and then torpedoed it with an affair, and now behaves as though everything is perfectly reasonable and they can all be grownups about his new partner and their new 'blended family', when in fact his kids are truamatised and his ex wife's life is shattered. IMHO, we don't have to be grownups about some things.
What you said about your kids - I wouldn't worry- you are probably showing them this yourself, however fractious things might be at the moment. My son, a young adult, just described trying to resolve disputes with his father as like 'arguing with a squirrel'. The kids do understand, they do see, and if they don't already, they will soon, when they are older.
My husband just exposed the whole family to poison, just a couple of weeks ago. He had put down insecticide, told no-one, then let us clean it up unprotected, not knowing what it was. So I totally sympathise with your issue re health. Weirdly, I'm not even angry even more. This is just who he is.
I think there's actually quite a lot to be said for acceptance and resignation, for your own sake. You won't get what you want from him, and you will hurt yourself by trying.
I'd honestly try some meditation/ yoga practice. You can find your peace; you don't have to extend forgiveness to him. Xx
Thank you so much
Submitted by Swedish coast on
You're right. He will never provide me with anything I need. It's too late for that kind of thing.
The insecticide incident makes my hair stand on end. It's just dreadful!
Thank you so much for taking time to answer. It means a lot to me.
I agree with honestly and Off the Roller
Submitted by Catterfly on
You don't have to forgive him at all. You just have to find a way to not seethe when you have to be with him for the kids.
I left my husband about three weeks ago, so can certainly relate. I'm trying to rechannel all of that seething energy into activities for me. Yoga, a hike (which I'm doing by myself now!), boxing (so cathartic when done with other middle aged women), a hair cut, etc. Tomorrow I'm planning to stick a lawn chair into the creek and sit there and read for a while. Simple silly things even seem to work, as long as I can look forward to them for a bit.
I'm spending a lot of time dreaming about my place without his decorating influence (aka ADHD clutter). And I can see moving toward revenge weight loss or something in the future, if I need to level up. :)
I also should give credit to anti-depressant medication, which actually allowed me to take a step back and assess what was going on in our marriage, decide that it truly wasn't me, and take the big step to leave and put my health first.
You've done that hard work already, Swedish, so I hope the rewards and relief start to come quickly for you now.
In the meantime, you're not alone.
Inspiration
Submitted by Swedish coast on
That's good news, Catterfly. I find inspiration in your example.
Today is a happy day - I had great satisfaction at work, then went outdoors for a lovely afternoon and now there'll be a long walk with a friend.
Rewards are so funny, they seem to have little to do with what we accomplish and even less with effort. They just happen out of the blue when circumstances are right.
I'm so grateful for your answer.
Off the Roller
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I appreciate it. It's true, he doesn't deserve forgiveness, neither has he asked for it.
I think the desirable end in this is painless contact. Now, I can't bear to see him because his casual attitude hurts me like a red hot iron, and so does the clumsiness of the friend we still share and who spoke a lot with him first during divorce and got the picture everything was amicable, and so elephanted into her first talk with me post divorce and crushed me completely.
The pain!
I won't ever be casual around this. But with time, hopefully, new things in my life will blot out the memories.
Thank you Off the Roller for voicing your opinion.