Hi everyone. I'm getting more and more unhappy in my marriage. My husband has ADHD and bad RSD. The RSD is causing regular problems in our relationship. I understand how ADHD and the RSD affect him and that it's part of it but I'm finding it more and more difficult to handle. At times he is blatantly rude and horrible.
He drinks regularly which doesn't help as it affects his moods. He regularly takes offence at very normal things I do which would not affect anyone else. If I treated him the way he does me he would not put up with it. He apologised sometimes and I accept the apology but it's having a big impact and I now enjoy spending time alone more than spending time with him. He talks and talks and it's all about how he feels, what's he's been doing, what he wants to do, what his current ailments are etc. and doesn't really show a lot of interest in my feelings. We have good times, don't get me wrong but the ADHD / RSD makes him aggressive and rude and he gives me the silent treatment constantly for days on end. I'm walking on eggshells trying not to say the wrong thing. He tells me daily he loves and how lucky he is. But we seem to be wanting to do different social things. He likes to drink/watch tv and I like to go out walking, reading, shopping and don't want to sit in a pub all day. What can I do to try and improve things? He likes me to be with him all the time but I'm finding this difficult as I need a break.
same boat here
Submitted by honestly on
We should totally hang out! I recently realised that the memories me and my husband have made as a couple are mostly of box sets we've watched together. I find my joy elsewhere and have for years. Outdoorsy stuff with friends or wider family or my kids or by myself. I'd take myself off to read more often, but he tends to get offended, but he accepts it if I have a long bath with a book, so I do that quite often. I had been very, very lonely in my marriage. Accepting that it was not going to bring me happiness or companionship has been a job of work but I am through it now. For me that means separation. I'm two decades in; idk how far along you are. You might get somewhere if he'll try medication and therapy. But idk. I'd definitely advise you to prioritise you. X
Yes we should hang out! It
Submitted by Starlight123 on
Yes we should hang out! It all sounds pretty similar. I feel for you. I'm about 10 years in. We can't seem to get through a day without me saying something that upsets him. And I do try and constantly help him. It's a very difficult condition for him as well, the ADHD and RSD. I'm sorry you've got to the stage of separation. That must be a sad situation for you.
Yes this resonates
Submitted by Catterfly on
Last year I designed a trip for my husband and I to the east coast. I booked a hotel overlooking a historic harbour, with a cute town to explore, amazing hiking trails and views, and of course the fish restaurants!
There was a moment where he told me he didn't want to go exploring, instead wanted to watch TV in the room. I left him and went down to the roaring fireplace in the lobby, overlooking the harbour. Curled up and read a book.
For the rest of the trip, I felt like he was following me around. People would give us directions to things, and he wouldn't even listen. It was like having a toddler following me. No engagement.
This is all to say that the biggest issue is the lack of engagement. The person is here, but not "here" and not participating . It's heart-wrenching and crazy-inducing.
By the way, a book and my bathtub have also been my refuge, also because that's all I'm allowed.
And yes, after 17 years of marriage I've also decided that enough is enough. Change will never happen. As I write this I'm in my mother's garden, where I've brought our two children for refuge from his RSD for an indefinite amount of time while he and I try to work out selling the house and moving into two separate places.
My husband will never seek to understand, or change. I truly hope that yours will (and this forum can help), and/or that you find the answer you're looking for.
I'm sorry that you've had
Submitted by Starlight123 on
I'm sorry that you've had such a tough time. It's very brave that you're decided enough is enough and are going to build a new life. It's good you're looking after yourself. Time for you.
Thank you, Starlight123. I
Submitted by Catterfly on
Thank you, Starlight123. I appreciate your support.
yes me too
Submitted by honestly on
So familiar, Catterfly!
We were on holiday in France recently; he speaks French, is a massive francophile, insists on holidays there every year (not so big a deal since we are in UK) wants us to move there, and it is the only destination he has any interest in at all or will bother organising stuff for.
But even then, he wasn't really there. He drank heavily every day, even though the kids asked him to cut down (I make no comments; it doesn't help) While the kids and I swam in the sea, or explored, he either snored on the beach, or in the appartment, or stared at a screen. He also picked fights with the kids. So many little squabbles over something and nothing. Bad temper for no reason. I had to manage all the business of the appartment keys (tricky and stiff locks) and meals and cooking and shopping and getting around. Not because I wanted to, but because he just stepped away and didn't act. And throughout, for any interaction with any French person, in a café or a shop or dealing with travel or the rental property, even little chats in the street, he did not once take the lead. I'd be waiting for him to switch on, to use his famous French - he corrects mine all the time - and he just wouldn't. So I'd have to either manage it all myself, or actively ask him to participate. He's just totally switched off, automatically expecting me to do it all.
I'd genuinely have been better off if I'd just gone with the kids. It would have been no more challenging linguistically and emotionally so much easier. And if I'd just gone with the kids I could've gone somewhere else.
Which is what I'll do next summer.
Not taking the lead
Submitted by Swedish coast on
This not taking the lead is a disturbing behavior I've experienced too. I was in late pregnancy when my ex noticeably started to hide behind me. There were some unpleasant discussions to be had with craftsmen about something wrongly installed. Later there were negotiations with companies. And he hid behind his wife, forcing me to defend the family's interests. Every time.
I'll actually never forgive him for this.
Put yourself first
Submitted by Peacefull111 on
I've been there in the past with my ex. What I would advice is to always put yourself first as they have a hard time putting others needs before their own. Make time for you and have been strict boundaries about what you want and do not want. It's going to be so important for you to be a little selfish and prioritize you. And also just being aware if things are navigating into trouble zones like addiction issues or a bad relationship and being honest with yourself checking in to make sure you're happy. This is your life so make sure you're always doing well.
Thank you! That's what I need
Submitted by Starlight123 on
Thank you! That's what I need, a little bit of looking after myself. You're absolutely right. Going to be difficult to get it though.
Mother may I?
Submitted by adhd32 on
My H will do the same. Pushes me through the door first if he isn't comfortable entering a new place. Waits for me to step up when things are unraveling. Makes uncalled for comments when tensions are high while trying to resolve business issues like overcharging or flight mix up. His contributions are underwhelming and unhelpful. It is almost like he is a child waiting for momma to come in and save the day. I admit that I have told him to man up when he left me hanging. Difficult to have respect for him sometimes when he won't take the lead.