I wanted to share something that happened yesterday. I'm in the midst of doing a deep dive into the topics of: control, anxiety, fear, sex abuse, RSD, avoidant behavior and abuse in general including the cycle of abuse and how they all work together and are interrelated. I'm still in the middle of learning more about these things and finding I'm learning as much about myself as I am my SO.
A minor event happened yesterday where my SO did something that hurt my feeling. She mocked me over something trivial. But what's interesting now, more than ever, is my ability to recognized my feelings and emotions in real time. I didn't get angry, I only felt hurt and sadness but I did say something to her about it. I reacted yes, but in a very controlled manner. This, I felt was a successful exchange on my part telling her something that hurt me even if I may have not have said it perfectly. And yes, I even chose to say something instead of over reacting. I guess that's responding not reacting?
The other part of this was her reaction which was anger that I pointed out something she did that hurt my feelings. But then, she told me I was angry which that's not at all what I was feeling. I simply replied " I'm not angry, I'm hurt, but I can see you're angry. Why are you angry?" I also told her "this is not a good way to start the day" and then said "what are you angry about? " Her reply was about everything on her mind except, what had just happened. I told her I'm sorry she's feeling that way and hoped she had a good day at work. We both left for the day, and the day went without a problem and no hard feelings.
Anyway, this isn't about the incident. This is about how I'm feeling. After all my reading up on these things and making many new discoveries...I'm feeling a great compassion for her and myself.
I also realized exactly what hurt. She was putting me down which is exactly what you don't want from your trusted partner. It not building you up but putting you down.
There's so much more I can say here but there's also something else I've done right without knowing exactly why.
Every day, without fail, when she's getting ready and commenting how fat she is, how ugly her hair is and generally speaking, putting her self down...
I respond every day on how beautiful she is, how nice she looks and compliment her about her choice of clothes telling how well she's put together.
I do this every day without fail. And she's responded a number of times saying how good I am for her.
My comments are genuine and sincere. I really mean them because it's exactly how I feel.
In essence, I'm building her up.
This is also why it hurts. It's the opposite of what she did yesterday but the end result is not anger. It only makes me sad.
But a big part of this also has to do with compassion. The compassion I feel for her.
I realized more than ever before, I know exactly what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it. I've made great strides in this area I feel. It also gives me the ability to act on these feelings in a productive way as I did.
I'm calling this a success....for me in particular.
I also noticed and am realizing more....her inability to receive the love I'm offering her at times. As if, it has no affect on her. This is also telling.
J
Occams Razor
Submitted by J on
For the record, I've made some assumptions about my SO based on what I know. When someone can't answer you, or haven't told you things about themselves that possibly even they aren't aware of.... all that's left is what you know, what you've been told and what you've experiencesd.
I've had to remove myself and my personal feelings to take a more objective look at the things right in front my eyes from my own observations. The most obvious common denominator that I noticed is her fear. If I apply the lens of fear to everything I know, it paints a different story from what I originally assumed.
"People with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) may act inflexibly toward others due to a need to control their surroundings. This can lead them to being seen as bossy, making others becoming hostile towards them, which can reinforce their beliefs about others.
Some other symptoms of PTSD include:
Irritability and anger: People with PTSD may have angry outbursts or be irritable with little or no provocation. These outbursts can be verbal or physical.
Reckless or self-destructive behavior: People with PTSD may engage in reckless or self-destructive behavior.
Hypervigilance: People with PTSD may be hypervigilant.
Exaggerated startle response: People with PTSD may have an exaggerated startle response.
Problems with concentration: People with PTSD may have problems with concentration.
Sleep disturbance: People with PTSD may have difficulty falling or staying asleep, or have restless sleep."
Nearly everything on this list I've personally witnessed.
Pop Quiz
If you're dealing with a person who's having a PTSD panic attack, in fight or flight mode, and irrationally offends you and makes you angry, should you:
A) Yell at them and say, WTH is wrong with you!?
B) Order them to calm down or else.
C) Shame them, call them a fool and threaten to tell everyone they know including your entire family.
D) Show them compassion and understanding knowing how they got this way.
I'm gonna sit here for a while and contemplate a better course of action than the one I been using.
Except this last one perhaps....which effectively neutralized the situation.
Impending Sense of Doom
Submitted by J on
My SO describes feeling an impending sense of doom. At times in my life, I've felt the same way. Literally, just the other day she asked me: "do I feel that something bad is about to happen? Like the world is about to come to an end? " I said no I don't....but suddenly remembered me have similar thoughts but not on such a global scale.
She watches a lot of NDE videos on YouTube specifically paying attention to the ones that predict the future and especially the ones that say things about global catastrophe. I'm not necessarily buying that from my own psychedelic out of body experience, which is very similar ( almost exactly sometimes) to people who've had NDE's. Some align closely to my experience....some seem made up and focus on predicting the future.
Anyway. Impending sense of doom as I looked up is a symptom of PTSD.
Which also makes me wonder about myself also having had these feelings before. I'm turning the PTSD lens upon myself now. I believe there's something there.
J
When I don’t exercise
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Impending sense of doom is what invariably happens to me whenever there isn't enough exercise and too much time spent indoors... I feel it's quite unspecific. But sure, I suppose it could also be a symptom of something.