Submitted by suekhopf@gmail.com on 08/31/2024.
I have no idea what I've done. I'm the one with ADHD. My spouse gets frustrated with me and condescending with a tone. I can't do much of anything right from what I can tell. It makes me sad and teary. In the past, when I've tried to set boundaries and/or talk about it, he gets upset and asks me for examples. And he brushes them off as me being overly sensitive. So he's dismissive. He hurts my feelings. And he's certain it's me, not him. I feel like I'm being punished for something and I don't know what for. I'm out of ideas and options. So I just shut down. Which makes it worse.
Misunderstanding
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm sorry. This must be so upsetting.
In my experience, so much in an ADHD-non relationship is about expectations clashing, and a fundamental inability of both partners to understand the other's perspective.
We are all vulnerable in our relationships. Even more so when there is no common idea of what our life together is or should be.
I think education - on ADHD, and using Melissa's world of knowledge about what it does to our relationships - is the key to moving forward. Our troubles all seem archetypical. We share so many experiences.
It's sad that it leaves us so hurt, so often.
Something That's seems to work....
Submitted by J on
With my SO, not chasing after her when I feel pushed away seems to work. Asking her questions if she's ready to talk instead of me demanding we talk right now is also helping. Allowing her to come to me when she's ready, on her terms, appears to be what works best. She's even said so using these words: "just allow it to happen"...which I interpret as, I will when I'm ready. She definitely doesn't like to feel pressured or pushed.
ADHD conversation loop! Help it’s “Groundhog Day “
Submitted by Elleleen45 on
Hello, I am the non-ADHD partner in our relationship. I've gotten to the point where I've just become so frustrated that I'm just agitated and annoyed with him. We will literally have the same conversation about the "topic at hand" a minimum of 10 times. And the conversation each time starts off like it's the first time we've discussed this issue! It makes me feel like he's not retaining or remembering any part of the conversation we just had yesterday, or even earlier the same day. He says if I really loved him, I would just understand that's part of his process and not get so annoyed , I said it's hard for me to have a conversation with someone who comes across not retaining any information and I'm constantly repeating the same thing over and over again like I'm stuck in that movie "Groundhog Day.". I've made suggestions like maybe word your sentence differently like "I was thinking about the conversation we've been having About the insurance company" Instead of every day starting the sentence with "so I'm thinking we should look at changing insurance companies". The secondary part is I find that in the course of a few months when we talk, it is always the same four topics. It's like if those are the four topics on his mind that is the four topics that we will talk about I don't feel like I'm part of a conversation or enjoying even visiting my own husband, sometimes I just like a sounding board which after while numbs a person. Or, when I try and introduced different topics or say hey, let's talk about something else. He becomes upset and and accuses me of having no interest in talking about what's on his mind or what's important to him and I'm in a rush to move onto the next subject when we have literally talked about the same topics to the point where I Don't even want to visit and enjoy a coffee with my own husband.
We have been married a long time, but now that our kids have grown, I quite honestly feel like I can't do this anymore. I am for some reason always the bad guy. We always have to follow what's best for him and it's very difficult to have him understand a non-ADHD side. So more and more my frustration, and honestly lack of patience is leading to a lot of arguments and an unhappy relationship
if anyone out there has a similar story they could share or other non-ADHD partners that maybe have some kind of tool or strategy that has worked in their relationships. Or even if you found ending the marriage best for everyone, I would love to hear about it
A little
Submitted by Swedish coast on
The theme you describe hasn't been a part of my marriage to an ADD partner, but I've seen it in a relative.
This dear person has very little ability to adjust to others. Every impulse, every topic, is on their mercy. If they get restless, and they incessantly get restless, they may disappear with no explanation or hint of when or if they're returning. This is exhausting, especially if you are trying to be a pleasant host.
It's understandable that you're fed up with adjusting for him with no reciprocation. I have no advice. The only tool I had when the marriage went sour was enjoying myself elsewhere, with friends and activities not including him. It wasn't enough to save the marriage, but it made me a lot happier.
Best of luck to you.
Interesting That You Say This Elleleen45
Submitted by J on
Just a side note first: I work with a guy who does this so I know it's very annoying. I can still remember things I've said on this very forum 8 years ago, and know when I'm repeating myself. I do it here, because I don't assume I'm saying it to the same audience. But if you picked out a story or train of thought from before...I'd be able to recognize it and say yes or no.....I've said this story before.
Anyway, this guy at work tells the exact same story over and over in every excruciating detail as if I've never heard it before. To the point, I could finish each one now...and use the same exact words before he says them since I've heard them so many times.
All I do with him is remind him that I heard it like: "oh yeah, I remember you saying that". Or " oh, is this the one where x does this thing to z? I remember you telling me this story"....showing him that I already know.
As yes, it is processing and becoming stuck without an answer or resolution. I do it here on this forum, because the folks here are kind enough to allow me to do it, and put up with me while I do. But I absolutely don't do it with my SO who also has ADHD like me. In other words, I'm aware that I'm doing it here and remember when I've done it before ( here ) and I don't completely repeat every word like a tape loop. Or at least try not to.
With the guy at work, sometimes, since I've heard the story so many times and actually know the answer or see the problem he's having....I just give him the answer or offer a solution or a different perspective than the one he's on. That also seems helpful and he never seems to get angry. He will keep at it though....as if it never happened using the exact same words including the intro to the story.
These stories do all have one thing in common. Someone usually did something to him or caused some offense to him. That appears to be the running theme.
This Morning With my SO....
Submitted by J on
I did something different. I was trying to have a touchy conversation dealing with an event that happened the other night where she became extremely angry. So angry, she was shaking. She started telling herself out loud..." calm down, calm down" as she was not yelling but her body language was screaming !
I really wanted to know what she was so angry about even though she couldn't tell me exactly. She could say why she was angry....but she could'nt tell me what caused this extreme reaction?
So I reframed this question...as not a question, by saying: Sometimes when you get angry, I feel helpless to do anything. Like the other night ( reminded her of it ) and told her "I wish I knew what I could do to help you in these moments, because you looked so upset and it pains me to see you this way"
And she opened right up and told me exactly what was causing her to be angry which was "you're always leaving things on and I have to come behind you and turn them off."
This told me exactly what I wanted to hear.
a) it never was about the "thing" she told me that made her THAT mad.
b) the event which had to do with the TV being left on and her having a near melt down even though, it has a screen saver and can be left on indefinitely. She erroneously believed it would burn into the screen and permanently damaged it. It's a newer TV, that has safe guards against that.
But that's not the point. She was actually angry with something else bothering her which was me leaving lights on or missing door locks at night which she's very concerned with....and....her having to double check me to make sure they're turned off. In other words...trust.
This also has to do with the parent child dynamic which exactly why I was trying to probe her a little deeper. And, I got all the information I needed and confirmation of exactly what I was looking to find.
Now, I really know what's bugging her the most....and, exactly what I can do to stop doing the real thing she was angry about, instead of, only the one thing she said in the moment.
I also used a learning conversation to get more info out of her to help keep us on track.
This also, was very successful.