My husband left just over a year ago and I haven't known why. I've finally stumbled upon the ADHD in marriage information and it tells our story, except that he was the one who left. He is terrified of feeling trapped and controlled and at the moment is utterly disinterested in looking at reconcilation. We have met up a couple of times recently and have talked for several hours, from my point of view getting on very well and having quite a nice time despite the weird situation. Logically he seems to recognise that I haven't been a horrible controlling harpy but emotionally he is scared, shut down and still in the 'child' role of the parent/child relationship. I want to suggest that we explore the idea of being friends and maybe do some fun stuff together so I can become associated with nice things (and dopamine) rather than just being the boring one who looks after the finances. Any suggestions about how to go about makint this suggestion in an ADHD friendly way? I'm really struggling to put myself in his shoes to see what sort of thing might work.
Help me understand as the non-ADHD spouse
Submitted by soloequestrian on 09/07/2024.
I'm sorry this isn't an
Submitted by honestly on
I'm sorry this isn't an answer to your question, but rather another question. What do you want to get out of this situation? I think it would be really helpful to reflect on this a little. Could you ever get what you hope for from this relationship, even if you reconciled? I worry that by trying to woo him back, however generous and loving your impulse may be, you might simply be opening yourself up to further pain.
Thanks for your reply
Submitted by soloequestrian on
We managed nearly 20 years with (probable) undiagnosed ADHD. It would explain the majority of the not-so-good bits. If we are able to manage those better the relationship has potential to be great - most of it was good anyway. I'd like the opportunity to explore that and if it's not going to work then to separate in a thoughtful way, hopefully maintaining some sort of friendship, not with bafflement and radio silence.
(I wrote an answer earlier
Submitted by soloequestrian on
(I wrote an answer earlier and it disappeared?) We've managed pretty well for around 20 years and the bits that were not so good I can see in hindsight may well have been heavily influenced by ADHD. If this is the issue and we can manage it I think we have a good chance of having something special.
You are not afraid
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It seems you're not afraid. That makes it easy for you to remember all the good times in your relationship. I did this too, with an ADD partner who felt I had been awful, by pointing out his weaknesses and shattering his confidence. I loved him, I could never imagine what would happen.
As having spent less than a year in recovery from a nasty divorce from this person, I can only softly hum a warning. You might not feel any danger yet, you are loving, capable and confident. But an ADHD partner who feels you challenge their self esteem might rip you to pieces rather than lose that self esteem.
I'm not sure why I would need
Submitted by soloequestrian on
I'm not sure why I would need to challenge his self esteem?
Since you write
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Since you write he's scared, shut down, terrified. It looks a lot like a dynamic where he feels criticized and it hurts his self-esteem. In my experience it's not the intentions of the non-ADHD partner that determine if the ADHD partner feels challenged like this. It's perhaps just that a non partner with an undiagnosed ADHD spouse will have non expectations. Expectations that are only what you ask of yourself. These expectations may feel threatening to an ADHD spouse, since they're impossible for them.
Once you've lived together 20 years without a diagnose, it may be very hard to turn things around and change patterns. In my case, it didn't help that I tried to change expectations after he was diagnosed. My husband knew what I really wanted and expected, from 20 years' experience. I kept on hurting him just as much or worse than before. Not that I wanted to.
Of course I know very little of your circumstances. But you reaching out, unafraid, and him recoiling, terrified, is to me a sign you've (unintentionally) hurt him, and probably his self esteem.