After divorce ten months ago I've had several friends come visit. Mostly one good friend at a time, but also small family gatherings, and the occasional friend's family with children.
It's been enjoyable, and I've mostly managed it. But socializing now knocks me out instead of filling me up. I don't want to admit it, but it's a fact. And the children, who aren't used to company after all the years of their father's depression and anxiety, are socially withdrawn which means I must work harder and sometimes feel awkward and overwhelmed.
Hosting a bigger event is way out of reach. I don't belong to any group of people anymore, have no social habits in common, no choice of games or music. Even family gatherings have tapered out to nothing, especially since the pandemic. And naturally because I have no contact with the former extended family in law.
This weekend I declined an invitation to an outdoor event with several people because I couldn't bear taking the children, feeling responsible for making everything work for everybody. I was so tired, just slept instead.
I don't remember how to have fun at parties. I only know how to take responsibility. Drinking a little and relaxing is a remote memory. Dancing is unthinkable. Imagine I used to love big parties and socialized many nights a week. Imagine I used to be fun.
Has anybody else had their social life dismembered by their ADHD marriage? How did you regain your social energy? When did you start to feel like yourselves?
It Sounds like to Me....
Submitted by J on
you're depressed. I know that's stating the obvious but for me, there's one sure fire way to lift myself out of depression and that's through and daily excersise routine. It's far more effective than antidepressants or any other form of medication.
In fact, since I started back on Adderall/Wellbutrin...I've lost 10lbs. Ten more pounds and I'll be back to my ideal body weight and I already feel better.
Just today, I started my exercise routine using a rowing machine. I just got up and did it, I made the decision that today was the day.
As a former competitive athlete, I can give you my two bits on getting back into shape from absolute nothing:
-pick something you can do Easily...everyday. If it's too much effort to get there, dress for, have to plan, or it's a hassle in anyway....you won't keep doing it. Make it as easy as possible.
-pick something you like. If you don't like it, you won't do it
And here's the what I've been doing since I was six years old and it never fails. This is how to get past the initial hump that is the hardest part for everyone.
First day. Go as far and long as you can and let your body tell you when to stop. It doesn't matter if it's 20 minutes, 5 minutes or even 2 minutes. Just do that much and stop. That's your base line.
Then everyday...do that much and add a few minutes more. Doesn't matter how much, just more than the day before. Do this everyday, and don't stop. Just a little more every day.
That's it. That's the secret.
In one month....you'll notice a difference. In 90 days.....you'll be over the hump and be in shape to go on indefinitely.
Everything else you mentioned will follow suit. It becomes infectious and you won't be able to stop.
In fact, I just got up and told my SO without warning I was going to work out. Before I knew it, she came upstairs and joined me. That's how infectious it is!!
That's the best advise I could give anyone.
J
Thank you J
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It's good advice.
It's perhaps not depression, I do enjoy things profoundly in between bouts of pain and do a lot of mindfulness exercises. At work I like to joke and connect with dozens of co-workers and new clients every day. It's just this private sense of not belonging. It's been like this for more than a decade, thinning out. I put everything I had into the family. Now the family is broken.
Maybe it's like many of our forum friends have said wisely: it will take more time to restore life after divorce. Thank you for answering me.
Same
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I don't know if it helps, but I find I'm struggling socially now as well. I've maintained some of our "couple" friends, but those visits are rare. Like you, I'm not up to hosting events either... in fact I'm the black sheep of the family for refusing to host the annual holiday bash of 20 people despite it being my "turn." I think I am just still thoroughly depleted. No one understands since I'm years out of the relationship that I am STILL trying to slowly refill my own tank from years of running on empty. But it's true. And it's hard to fill it as a single, full time mom with a full time job. I don't have time for a full night's sleep or even to go to the one class per week I used to attend. When the choice is between a social event and a couple of hours for myself, I find I choose myself unless it's a must-attend family obligation. I'm watching this thread to see if anyone else has any advice for you!! :)
Sorry Melody
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Im sorry to hear you suffer this too. It does help when you describe it as being still depleted. It resounds. The meter is still so low. You and I parent for all we're worth, and work. I don't have time for my weekly class either, most of the time. Maybe it explains it all?
The social fatigue is a bit like the complete disinterest in having another romantic relationship. I feel no fish could need a bicycle less than I do.
You maybe have the key right there, in what you wrote about the weekly class? Maybe we need to stuff life with those classes, and other treats for us alone, fill ourselves up, before we can reappear socially and make sense to others, and before other people make sense to us?
It would rather be a relief to let go of the ambition of socializing for the time being.
Thank you for your wisdom, Melody, as always.
Yas.
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
You said it yourself. We only know how to take responsibility and - you forgot a major component - be disappointed by outcomes that are totally out of our control but that we have to 'pick up and take on' from our ADHD SOs. So that meant that over the course of your life together, you learned that when you socialised, as your partners ADHD symptoms got worse (or technically, maybe they just started shining through more and more), the symptoms would impact you in a negative way in that social situation...so your body/mind learned to say 'not next time' when another one came around. And then slowly, you realised that you turned down more and more opportunities to socialise in any capacity because of what might happen. But you (and I mean the perverbially WE - as in me too!) at some point realised it was easier to go along with the SO's grumpiness/argumentiveness/push back on the social activity that was pending than try to attend on your own. And all the sudden...years have passed on this and you don't know how you got there but you know that having fun at parties is a thing of the past because you couldn't have fun at parties.... you had to be on guard for what might be said, done or anything. Or for me, it was that my SO's anxiety played up or he got trigged by someone and BAM - we ALL have to leave the event suddenly. It was so jarring and I'm sure the same for you - time and time again.
Unfortuantely, this learned behaviour (ours) doesn't go away because you've been divorced for 10 months. Your nervous system has no idea how to operate in social settings if you dont' have your SO to worry about.
Something I learned while going through grief for 2 years when someone extremely close to me died and my spouse (ADHD) just crumbled... but for me, if it felt scary or I didn't want to - I did it anyway. Even for 5 min. I did it. I wouldn't give myself an 'out' until I did the thing for a portion of time; I attended the event, I walked to the coffee, I planned the party, etc. Only then when I took the steps towards the thing did I allow myself an out. Believe me, I wanted to run, hide, whatever... but that's your body trying to push you back to the familiar of the chaos of what your partner was doing/did/going to do during any event. Your body expected it and became familiar to it and now you ahve to retrain it.
My social energy only began to regain one I DID THE THING. You gotta 'Nike-it' - Just Do It.
I too used to be incredible fun and full of energy and connection and all of it. I feel a shell of myself. And because I've been pushing myself to just do 'it' for the last few years - and for me the 'it' was going out and making connections and community without my SO because frankly, he just wasn't able. But I was. I always was able and chose not to for fear of how it would upset my SO. But I did it.
And let me tell, it SUCKS in the beginning. It really does. Maybe don't go planning a massive party or go to the night clue - those steps are too big for you right now. You are only 10 months out. Rome wasn't built in a day. Take those baby steps.
My best example of a baby step is that I wanted to WANT TO have a big birthday party recently. I really did. Buyt the thought of planning it, haveing poeple over and the stress it would cause my husband was too much... so I thought: maybe just stay home and celebrate myself on my own?? But then I realised, I'd be on my birthday, alone, and not by my own accord. F*** (edited) that. Why should you have to suffer anymore from the stress of someone else has inflicted on you??!??!?! So I called my local pub and reserved a space for some girlfriends and I to meet up. I told tons of my friends and just said 'f***(edited) it, whoever shows up, great and if they dont', then tha's ok too. At least I got out of the house'. And I did it. Truly. It was a fun night and low key and yo know what, I felt my heart unthaw just a little bit more.
So my advice is: totally normal to feel how you are feeling. Take baby steps back towards connection with others. And when you start to feel yourself get scared.....Do the scary thing anyway.
Yes
Submitted by Swedish coast on
You can't know how well that describes my past, the fear of social negative experiences with the ex. It's exactly as you suggest.
Not only did all the social fun disappear with time in the marriage, but also the relationships with relatives, everything. I had to get rid of all except a few dear close family members of mine, one of his relatives, and a couple of childhood friends of his - the only people he was comfortable with. Like you, I have endless experiences of him panicking before events, being opaque and quiet and oblivious around people - even so much some people started to mock me, seeing my vulnerability - and disconnecting with others in every instance. We never made new friends in the last ten years. I never got to see his co-workers, or anyone else. He introduced me to no one.
Ive always tried to make Friday and Saturday family dinners for us nice - with thoughtful dishes, candles, flowers. He ate and was quiet and retreated to his computer. Christmas and birthdays were all about trying to get through the day. I don't know how many times I've tried to create a little magic, and he's ruined it.
So yes, ten months out it can't be expected of this brain to feel differently. You are so right.
And doing - yes, that's what I'm trying. I guess even it there are no immediate rewards really, we should just go on doing it, shouldn't we?
Thank you Off the Roller, I'm so grateful for your reply.
Ok, so am dancing
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Actually just stepped off the dance floor, soaking. Have been having poetic strange conversations with unknown colleagues all night.
All right. So I haven't forgotten how to enjoy myself fully, and be entirely relaxed, and playful with strangers.
It's funny how every moment is so true in itself, and seems to point forward to infinity. A week ago I could never have pictured this. I haven't danced for years. But for instance a party can obviously change everything in a few hours.
Thank you all for spending time with me.