I'm finally starting to get it...and understanding how this attachment theory actually works. Understanding my own and how I became this way and being able to recognize others ( attachment style) and how they work together....either good or bad. Actually, there's no good or bad, just what it is.
The big picture, that I just now finally realized ( more fully ) and more clearly....starts with my parents of course and extends to my immediate family: my mom had an anxious possibly anxious-avoidant style.....and my dad was dismissive avoidant. This seems almost obvious to me now. And my sisters are both anxious-avoidant and anxious preoccupied/secure respectively.
And I'm just a little of both ( anxious or avoidant ) depending on who I'm with. But of course. A little of my dad and a lot more of my mom....the one who I spent more time around and was definitely the primary care giver.
And now, here I am....with another dismissive avoidant ( oh yeah, there's been others...two more at least ) who just trigger the hell out of me left and right at times, which brings out my own insecurities. ( insecure attachments )Many of her behaviors resembling my dad's.
After doing some of my own research....I'm looking at these attachment styles as stand alone features and not trying to include anything else into this mix. For me, it's too easy to start letting my imagination run wild so in an effort to stop that....I'm more focused on this for now.
And the very best thing I can do for now, is focus on myself and making sure I'm as secure as I can. Being secure in myself, is probably the best thing I can do to ensure that my SO and I stand a chance together. I know I can't do this all alone, but I've still got some work to do on my end which has already shown results.
The better I get....the better we get. That much I know for sure because I've seen the results already.
I even figured our the attachment style of my SO's ex-husband.....the longest relationship she's had ( 15 years ). He's also a dismissive avoidant.....and their schedules and personal habits meant tons of space and time away from each other. Ironically, she felt much like I do now ( with her ) much of the time. He almost stopped having sex with her after only 4 months married, which ultimately ( at the end ) lead her to cheat which also fits the profile. I found that really interesting. More proof that two insecure attachments don't work well together, even if they're alike and seemingly more compatible.
Like I said....I'm starting to get it now more than ever. Knowledge is power....and thus kind of power is a good thing.
J
PS I'd love to tell this to my SO some day but for now, that'll just come across as "needy". At least, that's what it feels like for her. Better to let that ride until another day or maybe not at all....the more secure I get.
Overview
Submitted by J on
I've done so much work on figuring this stuff out, I thought it would be reticent of me not to share the entire story. Hoping this doesn't trigger some of the moms out there ( not my intention ) but it is what it is. This is my attitude as well. You can't always go back and fix your mistakes, but you can use this information to help do something different and learn from.
In the 3rd person, as objectively as I can...the rest of this story in reality and more on how this all works.
Anxious mom and dismissive dad have two girls two years apart. All part of "the plan ". Dismissive dad is early in his career and has time to spend with daughter number one. He's happy to have her, first child, everything is cool. Anxious mom does what Anxious moms do. Devoted to being the best mom she can.
Daughter two comes along and anxious mom gets more anxious. Still doing her thing, dismissive dad is getting more and more involved in his career. He's a workaholic....not around as much for daughter number two but daughter two has daughter one to bond with. Anxious mom worries a lot about unforseen dangers and health issues that "might" happen to her kids.
All is well, according to the plan.
Nine years later....oops.....anxious mom gets pregnant and dismissive dad is already not thrilled. Things that don't go by plan are not in his programming. He's now, really involved in his work and the last thing he needs is to go through "that" again. Anxious mom is overjoyed but is now hyperfocused on daughter one and two shuttling them to dance and other activities common for girls of that age. This extra little kiddo is now "in tow" and along for the ride. Anxious mom is now more than ever, becoming increasingly anxious and worried....she still has this "thing" about her kids getting sick and or dying. She's a helicopter mom for her girls.....and part time helicopter mom for her son which her son does not appreciate! Things get worse for son as the daughters start leaving home. All that Anxious anxiety is now turned toward the son because of this "thing" she has about her kids getting sick and dying. Son is now increasingly getting agitated because she projecting all of this anxious energy on him now more than ever!
Anyway. That's how it happemed at least for me.
What brought this to mind was thinking about animals especially horses. Horses are flight animals and they sense the energy of others. They're programmed to sense danger and are always ready to run. It's in their nature.
If you approach a horse with a lot of pent up anxiety or anger....they can sense that, and start to get twitchy. And their twitchyness will start to make ( some ) people afraid ....especially those who don't like animals all that much. And when you're afraid, they become afraid and start to twitch even more. And when they get wild eye....something is about happen and it usually isn't going to be good. And you, the person who is now twitching and your fear is ramping up a notch....is likely just about to get kicked! And maybe you do.....just confirming what you were afraid was going to happen....somewhat bringing that on to yourself.
I really like animals. I don't have problems with animals. I like them, they like me. It's easy. And so it goes.
J