I am nearly done reading the book and finding it very insightful. My wife was recently diagnosed with ADHD and started meds. As the non-ADHD spouse, I am reading the book trying to place myself in those shoes.
While I clearly see her symptoms (disorganized, excessive spending, distractible, etc), she is also very much the book version of the non-ADHD spouse. She nags, belittles, rages at me, pushes all real responsibilities on me then tells me I contribute little or nothing, and is constantly asking me to do more. I never ask her to do anything and go out of my way to avoid triggering her anger.
I am the described easy going, fun loving, spontaneous, hard working, loving parent. I can certainly get distracted or have my attention pulled in too many directions, but I believe to a reasonable degree. I have not been evaluated for ADHD, it has never been recommended (except by her) and the screening questionnaires come up negative.
I am the sole bread winner, cover all bills and finances, am expected to cook every meal (separate meal for her to eat on her own typically), take kids to every birthday party / practice / sporting event, all kids are in school or day care and we have a cleaner come. I don't drink, play video games, go to the gym, or go out with the guys (no time). I 'walk on eggshells' constantly.
From what I read in the book, it seems like she is managing me like I'm the ADHD spouse and not the other way around. Could she be projecting her symptoms and frustrations on me to deal with her ADHD? Is this a known pattern?
I think you're correct...
Submitted by J on
about the projection. That does appear to be what your wife is doing from your description. In the book, the chapter on obstacle emotions deals with this. I've had to switch back and forth taking both roles because the two of us have ADHD which gets confusing.
As I listened to the book, I know one place I've used projection more than a few times in my past, and that is idealizing my romantic partner. It can be a rude awaking when you suddenly realize they aren't the projection you made them out to be in your mind. And that's not the fault of the other person either. But fault implies someone is to blame and that is not what's happening. It's a defensive mechanism to protect you from what you don't want to see or accept. In my case, it allowed me to not really see the person I was with because they weren't who "I" wanted them to be.
But this isn't necessarily just an ADHD thing. No one is immune to project as I understand it, It's what all humans do.
There was a lot of discussion on this forum in the past about non-ADHD partners feeling tricked or deceived....saying, he/she wasn't like this at the beginning and then they changed. I think that's another form of projection and idealizing their romantic partner. I heard that one myself ....being accused of changing.
I didn't change? I'm the same person I've always been with the exception of my ADHD symptoms. Those ladies hadn't lived with me yet...that was part of the problem.
Parent-child dynamics and gender issues
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Hi...
Sometimes the parent-child dynamic gets turned around when the woman has ADHD. I believe this is cultural - women in the U.S. in particular are trained, culturally, to feel they are 'in charge' of the home while men are often trained that they contribute in other ways, such as financially, and need to take less responsibility around the home. There is a good body of research on the cognitive load that women carry around organizing family and household and how that is not spread out evenly.
Your wife's attitude towards you in this might be inflamed by issues the two of you face in your relationship and/or by emotional dysregulation that can be a part of ADHD. It could also be that doing the HH tasks is quite difficult for her due to ADHD symptoms - she feels overburdened or overwhelmed and is taking that out on you.
You can approach this by taking a closer look at the chores each of you is doing vs. your strengths (as well as what's fun and not fun - you may be getting a lot of the kid time while she takes on other stuff). Use the Gottman Who Does What worksheet or my Chore Score Worksheet in the back of The ADHD Effect on Marriage and discuss it together. Try to engage her around this in a constructive, rather than defensive way.
In addition, some consulting or counseling might be useful. There are likely other resentments in there.
this sounds horrible
Submitted by honestly on
and it also sounds a bit like my experience.
When my husband was diagnosed with ADHD his response was similar - maybe YOU have ADHD. (I don't). Or you're terrible at dealing with ADHD (actually, I'm not) Or you're too demanding (I've only ever asked for normal things like basic hygiene, companionship, to be included in his priorities).
Try and talk (it's hard if they don't listen). If she's not on meds, aim for that. Are you familiar with the concept of DARVO? Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender? It sounds a wee bit like that's what you have going on there. It's emotionally abusive and you don't have to suck it up and you shouldn't be living on eggshells whilst doing way more than your share, but it is how these things so often seem to play out. You have my sympathies. It's horrible. You slog your guts out and are made to feel like you're the worst person but they will not let you go.
Look to friends and family. Take care of yourself.
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