It occurred to me, ever since I've been to this forum its primarily been women talking about their husband's with ADHD. ( it didn't just occur to me but, I'm revisiting that again ).
When I'm taking inventory of all the common issues brought up here, the main one is about the non-ADHD spouse having to do more work with a greater load ( cognitive load ) than their ADHD counter part.
If you apply that to what I'm about to say...you're not going to hear me. If you think I'm not taking responsibility and am not aware of my symptoms and what I've been doing...then what I about to say will get easily dismissed.
Something else is going on here...or at least....it's being set up but not intentionally. ( and no its not rigged ! Lol )
By all accounts, either by me or by my SO...we are not experiencing an inequity in the work load or our household job duties. It seems fair to me, but I've asked her repeatedly it fair for her? Even the entire concept of parent child was at least in part...discussed. And I've asked on numerous occasions is there anything more I can do? And the answer is no. In fact, I have started just doing things before she asks and look for anything I can do to take the load off ger. She pretty much says she doesn't want help and I get appreciation fron her all the time for anything I do.
Yet, she many times comes across like "I work so hard here". Even on her days off she jumps out of bed and starts working immediately and really doesn't like it when I slowly get moving on our days off. She even mentioned the other day when we actually slept in how good that felt. I told her she should do it more often and not feel like she needs to jump out of bed like a starting gun went off. I mentioned also....her son ( only child ) is now 30 so ...it been years since she's needed to get up and get him going for the day. In other words, there's no need anymore.
It appears to me ( this just a speculation on my part ) that this something else is guilt. And there's a bit of a martyr thing going on if I'm not mistaken? The currency with her appears to be guilt not so much shame?
Still working on this...but that's what it feels like.
J
PS And in no way am I implying or inferring this has anything to do with anyone on this forum. I'm solely directly my comments and thoughts towards my SO. Just trying to figure out what's happening in my environment only. And again, for anyone who hasn't been following my SO and I, we both have ADHD.
Being able to relax
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Hello J,
Sometimes an environment seems to shape a person in ways that might be invisible to themselves.
For me, it was impossible to ever relax around my ex husband. It wasn't that he willfully avoided housework or anything like that. It was just the difference in our respective natural impulses. He seldom felt the need to start something, take on challenges, think of ways to enjoy himself or the family, or reach out to other people. Every Saturday morning, I awoke in distress, because I knew this day too would pass flat and sad if I didn't think of a way to entertain and activate the family. And I wanted a rich full life.
I don't think this is the case with you and your SO. Just came to think of it as an example of how dynamics between partners can affect a sense of urgency. There is a delicate balance between one's energy and the other's.
I was always restless as if missing out on life, always stressed out, and with a constant lump in my throat of decade-old sadness. That was me, and it almost made sense to me those were my primary impulses and emotions.
Instead, now it's very clear that isn't me.
I'm sure the dissonance between partners have a thousand nuances. We are so vulnerable in our relationships. We are so dependent on getting the right cues. In intimacy, too.
I marvel at the people I know who've enjoyed strong marriages for decades. They can possibly allow themselves to lose some parts of themselves (like being practical, or keeping in touch with some dear ones, or specific talents or dreams) because the marriage carries them instead. But to us who haven't been so fortunate, the shape we have to take to fit into our marriage is deforming and painful.
When people on the forum voice their unhappiness, I always remember how the marriage made me feel a certain way, how I was always in a certain landscape, and nothing I did could really change the view.
I seem to always see your relationship in a soft pleasant light, J. It does sound like you two are happy. Or am I missing something important?
I'm very happy....
Submitted by J on
To have found someone who shares so much in common with me. I feel we are the best of friends and as I said before, I really like her. I'd rather be around her than just about anyone else much of the time And because of this, I treat her according. We don't argue...we don't fight. For most things concerned, and in most areas ...we are very compatible.
And even more recently....I've stopped pursuing her and giving her plenty of space as she's asked for. I respected her boundaries...and sure enough, she turned around almost immediately and started softening a bit...even coming closer recently. As long as I don't push, she seems just fine. We are compatible in almost every way except how we attach to each other. We are literally polar opposites on the same playing field. We are so a like it scary. And we really aren't polar opposites, we are like two positive magnets pushing against each other...pushing each other away when it comes to our needs for affection and intimacy. Neither is wrong but in this case...I have to be the one to compromise. Even in that...were actually the same. (+ ).
She's comfortable as long as I give her lots of space and accept the type of affection she offers. I asked her about sex recently...only asking if we are ever going to have it again? She said.....maybe. How I feel about that is...maybe means no. If you have to think about it...then it's no. And I won't cheat...so I'm going to have to live without. I can't count on maybe or being on the fence. I can live with yes or no....but I can't live with maybe.
Anyway....it feels a little like when I was first told I'm an extrovert, intruding on my ex-wifes boundaries ( she was an introvert ) And like it is currently...the extrovert has to be the one to pull back to some imaginary line that only the introvert knows?
It feels the same...I have to hold back and seemingly, do without in order for there to be peace. And honestly, I'm feeling a little resentful at the moment.
So I'm with this person who is exactly what I was hoping to find in a partner...except the part about the two positive magnets that are keeping us apart, in the one way that I was not expecting to find. Am I disappointed? Yeah, a little bit. But these are all things that fall under "my personal problem". She has no problem with the status quo. And since it's my problem, not hers....it's something in my control to do something about. I'm just getting past these feelings at the moment.
That may be the only thing you're missing. So I guess, I should feel pretty fortunate all things considered....compared to the many stories I hear on this forum.