About two years ago, i started dating a woman who was in the process of getting the diagnose of adhd. The dating process was sometimes difficult because we didn’t see each other that much. She was, most of the time, too busy in her mind and overwhelmed with everything. After a year of dating we got official. We still didn’t see each other that much, but once a week was a big step up. She was still struggling but we had it good together. The last two months were more difficult. She was more agitated and overwhelmed at times. This also got to me. Sometimes I thought I wasn’t good enough and I talked myself down because of it. Just six days before she broke up with me, she told me how happy she was with me. That she loved me and was happy I was still with her even when she wasn’t that nice anymore the last period. She was saying that I was too good for her and I deserved better. After this I was devastated, because I was feeling that I wasn’t good enough and I told her this. We got into a discussion and in the beginning she was understanding but then she turned around and said that she didn’t know what to do anymore and was having doubts. After a few days we met and she was broken. She was so overwhelmed with everything and said that she didn’t want to give us up, but couldn’t do it anymore. She was having troubles just to function in everyday life and tasks. Since we have broken up we haven’t seen each other, sometimes a conversation through text. And that has been a rollercoaster. Sometimes she tells that we’ll have to see what the future holds for us and seems to be open to trying again in the future. But sometimes she gives warnings like that she doesn’t want to give me false hope, that we can’t be sure that we’re coming back together. And that she first have to do her therapy and wants me te be able to move on. So she never really closes the door, but at times she seems to be overwhelmed, or panicking over the situation. For me it’s difficult because I want to give it a chance in the future, knowing that even then we can’t be sure that it will work out. But I’m willing to give it a shot. Any tips or whatsoever are more than welcome because I simply cannot get a grasp of this situation. I feel powerless and I’m afraid of losing the love of my life indefinitely.
I don’t know how to deal with this.
Submitted by Davy on 09/21/2024.
It Isn't You
Submitted by adhd32 on
Move on to better things. What you are seeing is the way she really is day to day. ADDers typically lose interest in new things after a while hence all the unfinished projects and plans that never materialize. Two years have past for your relationship and the shine has worn off for her. This is typical for ADDers. You were the new shiny object that has now lost it's charm. If she isn't working on herself, things will not change. Read posts on this forum to get an idea of what 5 or 10 years together looks like. You cannot control anyone but yourself. Take a step back and leave her alone. You may discover, when you are on your own again, how dysfunctional your current relationship is.
Thank you for your words!
Submitted by Davy on
Thank you for your words!
I'm taking my distance now, sometimes she reaches out to me and most of the time it's a nice conversation.
She's going into therapy soon because she wants to work on it. She also says that she doesn't forget about me and has still hope (but doesn't want to give me false hope) that maybe if she's stable enough or the therapy has ended successfully that maybe we can work it out.
So for me it's difficult to let it go, I also hope that we can work it out. But not at any cost or damage to myself. I'm still figuring out what's the right thing to do. I know that for now I'm keeping my distance from her and do things that are good for me.
Overwhelm is hard
Submitted by Swedish coast on
So sorry your love is affected by overwhelm.
It can be very hard to live with. I used to dismiss my ADD ex-husband's worries that he wouldn't manage things. I trusted in his talents and intelligence and couldn't imagine how dysfunctional he was, and how those traits would become more and more accentuated with time. His diagnosis would take many years to be known to us. Meanwhile, we both had a hard time coping with the symptoms, and in hindsight I would have done better if I'd believed him at the start.
My spontaneous thought at what you describe is: Please believe her. She, unlike you, who are in love and not affected yourself, has understood something which will possibly have a heavy influence on her life and ability in the future.
Your loved one is the one who can most accurately predict what's possible for her.
Thank you for your kind words
Submitted by Davy on
Thank you for your kind words.
hopefully when she has her therapy, she can deal with it better, for herself. Because she deserves to be happy and knowing how to handle the difficulties she has.
I'm going to give her the space and time that she needs. Meanwhile I'm going to focus on myself. And who knows, maybe in the future we can talk about it face to face and maybe it results in something good and better. But that's a maybe and if so, for later.