Submitted by J on 09/21/2024.
This might be a long post, so for now, I'll just jot down a few thoughts. This is my personal journey to healing. It's the only way to do what I need to do, in order for "us" to make it.
5 stages of grieving
"There is a road, no simple highway
Between the dawn and the dark of night
And if you go, no one may follow
That path is for your steps alone."
Robert Hunter
I'm beginning to see the light.
J
For the first time possibly...
Submitted by J on
I'm just now discovering what these lyrics are saying. I've heard them many times before, but I'm just now understanding what they really mean.
"If my words did glow with the gold of sunshine
And my tunes were played on the harp unstrung
Would you hear my voice come through the music?
Would you hold it near as it were your own?
It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken
Perhaps they're better left unsung
I don't know, don't really care
Let there be songs to fill the air
Ripple in still water
When there is no pebble tossed
Nor wind to blow
Reach out your hand, if your cup be empty
If your cup is full, may it be again
Let it be known there is a fountain
That was not made by the hands of men
There is a road, no simple highway
Between the dawn and the dark of night
And if you go, no one may follow
That path is for your steps alone
Ripple in still water
When there is no pebble tossed
Nor wind to blow
You who choose to lead must follow
But if you fall you fall alone
If you should stand then who's to guide you?
If I knew the way I would take you home"
Coming Full Circle - Fear and Anger
Submitted by J on
After thinking about this for a while, I realized why I initially came back here again; Fear and anger are the reasons why, at the heart of the matter.
a) I was afraid of never getting sex again
b) I was becoming increasingly angry ( resentful) for being criticized and belittled ( talked down to as a child...in essence...being talked to in a disrespectful manner. )
If you forget about all the reasons why, and many, rightfully so, it still all boils down to those two things....that's all that's left at the end of the day.
Further, those two things are what's driving both my SO and myself in and endless loop of continuously re-activating an already highly active amygdala...the cause of our fight and flight response. The end result are fear and anger...which are highly motivating emotions that tend to put things "into action"....either positively or negatively depending on.
So based on what I just said ..one might conclude that these two things need to be addressed before anything else can happen... the amygdala, being the culprit behind all these things....at the source.
So now what?
Based on my horse analogy ( flight animal ) their fear can only be reduced if they trust you. It's as simple as that. If you're all fearful and or angry...they're going to be fearful and distrusting, and feel like they've got to run.
I thought about my SO and her eminent fear of global catastrophe and impending sense of doom. On a primitive level....that's the fear of dying going global inside her. I also considered her strict religious background which, inherently, exacerbates the fear of death and a painful one for eternity ( burning in writhing agony forever or until destroyed in utter anialation if you've been bad ) He knows when you've been sleeping...he knows when you're awake....he knows when you've been bad or good.......
That crap is put into little kids heads from the get go. What a fiendishly diabolical thing to do to a little kid!!! That shit stays in there forever!! Ugh!
Anyway. I also thought about my psychedelic experience where I had a vision of God's love and blissful ecstasy...not even wanting to go back to this realm again and return to this life. The end result was not having a fear of death anymore. Which I don't. That changed everything because the fear was gone ever since. At the very heart of the matter.
And RSD....what is that all about? Fear. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment....just plain fear....again, at the very core of your very existence.
And what about insecure attachments? Fear and insecurity. And then....anger to put you into action to keep you safe from pain. In essence, to avoid emotional pain...the thing you've experienced in your past. Either fight or flight....to get away.
So, considering all of this, there's only one thing left to do. Learn to live with fear and become smarter than it. Knowledge is power.
There's a book written by Don Schollander, who won 4 gold medals in the 62 Rome Olympics in swimming entitled: Deep Water. In it, he describes changing your relationship with pain....making it your ally instead of your enemy. Once you can mentally do this, it allows you to transcend pain and push through it. In essence...you outsmart pain. Ironically, my old swim coach actually trained Don Scollander for a time. I imagine, some of his influence had something to do with Schollander's success.
In my mind, transcending fear works the same way. Going through the wall of pain and fear to reach the other side. Learning to live with it...not get rid of it.
If walls were made to keep people out...then going through the wall ( punching a hole in it )....not avoiding it or trying to go around it...is the only way to do it. Meeting it head on.
I'm thinking of ways to apply this to both my SO and I. We've both got similar ( if not exactly ) things going on. I'm trying to think of ways now, to bring her along with me through the hole in the wall (together ) that I've created for us....with no fear, and no regrets. Go big....or go home.
J
PS ....Bringing Distrust to the Relationship
Submitted by J on
I also wanted to mention....while my SO was bringing things from her past into our relationship....I was also doing the same. Rooting out anger is one thing....rooting out distrust is a different animal. Distrust is rooted in fear...and fear and anger are common bed fellows.. distrust being the by-product.
As I was saying. That shit has got to go...in the toilet where it belongs!
J