I'm the one with ADHD - it's our 15th wedding anniversary tomorrow (18 yrs together), and at the end of July he started acting out of character (right after he went to visit family and then friends in his old town).
Since then, he has been secretive etc and then disappeared off to his Mum's on his days off- this was when I suspected he was cheating so asked him outright if he would be seeing a certain "friend" - he lied, said no and went to his "mum's". The following morning at 4:45am he got two missed calls to his mobile (which is connected to our Alexa) from his "friend". He got home and I questioned him about why she had called - he made out that he didn't know she had and I told him how I knew! He admitted he'd stayed there and said they'd only kissed - then said it's all my fault because I am (extremely) untidy and don't "put out" more than once a week! I asked what happens now and he said "probably divorce"? She'd called his phone as he'd lost it somewhere in her house and they were trying to find it.
Next day he wanted to draw a line under it but I cannot trust him as he is still texting her (and then deleting the messages - yes I'm a bad wife and I checked)!
I cannot afford to leave or pay him off and for the sake of our son (who is already upset by the tension), I want to keep the peace. But after more than a decade of being belittled and gaslighted by him, I had already given up hence the chaos and lack of enthusiasm for intimacy.
I found the audiobook that accompanies this blog and we have both started listening to it (separately). He said "it is very interesting but you can't use it as an excuse"!!
I came to the relationship with everything - House, money, furniture and now it seems that I will leave with nothing but our child and dog (son has already told me he "has lost all respect for Dad and when he leaves we must keep the dog". Our child turned twelve four days before hubby cheated (and six days after starting high school).
I am so angry but have to fake being enthusiastic for our son's sake and for everyone else. I've told my boss and a couple of friends but not family or anyone else.
They ALL agree that there will have been more than "just kissing" and I'm not naive enough to believe him. I just don't see how we can move forward from this - I've had inklings before which funnily enough is when I started losing interest and when menopause kicked in early which exacerbated what we now know to be ADHD.
Sorry for my long winded rant, I just needed to get it out there!
I am So Sorry
Submitted by BeyondConfused on
Recently Diagnosed, I am so sorry that you had to experience this! My ex-husband also had an affair. And he blamed it on me. I was not aware that I had ADHD at the time, I didn't start suspecting that until I ended up with an ADHD partner. And then I got my diagnosis this month. And my absentmindedness, excessive talking, and struggle to keep on top of chores or have them done quickly, used to drive him crazy. But, that doesn't excuse an affair. Your husband knowingly lied to you and knowingly decided to have an affair. If he is still texting her but now deleting the messages, it doesn't sound like he is interested in stopping, especially with his divorce comment.
You say you came to the marriage with the house and everything else. And this is what I'm wondering. What if you two were to sell the house and split its profit? I mean, it would suck, but would that not give you money to help you find somewhere else? I know you haven't told your family yet, but do you have family nearby? If you sell your place and can't find somewhere to live right away, is there any family member who would let you and your son stay with them for a while?
I'm just trying to offer some suggestions. I remember feeling hopeless and overwhelmed by the concept of leaving my ex-husband. Yet once I started the process and broke it into small chunks, and dealt with it one day at a time, it was manageable. And the best part was that once I was on my own again, life felt so much better. Yes it was harder in some ways, but I had my own space again. I didn't have someone criticizing me or complaining about how disorganized or forgetful I was. I didn't have to share a bed with someone who snored, and I didn't have to worry about what he did and didn't like when I was making food.
I understand wanting to keep the peace, but that can take a tremendous toll on your mental health. I am currently with someone else that I strongly debated staying with to keep the peace. But I can see the strain it is having on our kids. And I also don't want to model this kind of relationship to my children. Especially, my daughters. I want them to know that it is OK to leave a relationship if it is no longer working. You don't have to try to keep the peace when your partner isn't treating you with love and respect. Yes, working on a marriage can be beneficial. But it takes two to make a marriage work and if your husband is going to keep talking to his friend and acting like this, you don't deserve that. It sounds like he has put you through a lot over the years. Whatever you decide to do at the end of the day is your decision, but I want to emphasize that it is ok to walk away. If your son has lost all respect for your husband, he will probably be happy if you decide to leave. Because even if you fake enthusiasm, he will still pick up on the underlying tension.
I feel for you, and I hope you are feeling a bit better after getting all of this out there.
Thanks x
Submitted by Recently Diagno... on
Thank you x we are working the the adhd relation audiobook and both disucssing parts.
Ive stopped checking his phone because, really, its not helping my mental health and I've said to him that if the show was on the other foot, he would absolutely not agree with me texting another person. He has been "better" since we started listening to the book but I'm taking it with a pinch of salt.
We shall see what happens but I am now less naive and considering ALL of my options. Thank you for the advice and information.
Our son has seemed more relaxed in the past couple of days and the tension from all has eased slightly.
I do have my parents and brother locally so there is a spare room available should I need it but for the time being, we will see how things go until I have the escape fund built up (as a plan b).
practical matters
Submitted by honestly on
I'm sorry; this sounds horrible. It seems like your husband has a transactional attitude to the relationship, or af least that's what he communicates - rather than a loving, nurturing one, and that's always going to cause the relationship to be vulnerable. In my experience, people do sometimes have affairs in order to force their partner to act on a situation they themselves won't work to fix or to bring to closure. They make you do the emotional heavy lifting. It's a coward's way of ending things.
In relation to your practical concerns regarding divorce- there is no reason to assume you will lose everything. In the UK (I'm assuming you are UK based cos that reads like English English) the divorcing couple have to come to an agreement about financial matters. A 50-50 split is not a legal requirement, though it is the baseline - it's up to the two of you to come up with a division of assets that you will both accept and consider fair given your circumstances (including perhaps access to his pension if he has been earning more while your career took a backseat as a mum). You may not be able to come to an agreement, of course, but an argument can certainly be made for you to keep certain assets. If you are to have custody of the child it is also perfectly normal for you to keep the house - sometimes permanently, sometimes until the child is 18. I have known both these things to happen with different friends. One friend kept the house permanently but he got all the savings and she got no access to his pension; another got the house till the kids left home then sold up and downsized. And that's alongside the difference in contribution you mentioned. You can make an argument about that. He wouldn't be obliged to accept it, but he would at the very least be obliged to pay child support until the child is 18.
So, practically, it doesn't have to be as bleak as you imagine. I would strongly recommend you consult a lawyer if you do move towards divorce. Seek recommendations as some are more proactive and helpful than others. They can mediate as well as support your legal rights, and help you strategize.
I wish you all the best. It does very much sound like you would be happier without him. Especially as you get to keep your son and the dog. X