Been quiet on here lately as I have found myself in the void. That void of not wanting to 'rock the boat' by bringing up issues and trying to solve them... but knowing deep down that I'm living in a way that I don't want to. Today was a bad day for my spouse - mentally. He's been through a lot in the last 6 weeks but I'm finding it increasingly more frustrating as we get back to old patterns because he's not willing to snap out of it and start to look at what he's doing, how he's processing and how things (like his ADHD and depression and anxiety) are showing up and affecting not only him, but the rest of us that live in this house.
And I'm finding myself in a state of weird calm. As the Non in this, it's like my list of To-Dos and responsibilities has not only NOT changed at all, some days its 10x more and other days it's still relentless because I can rely/expect/hope/ask/beg/plead/fight/cry for NOTHING from his end. Even today, I asked for something very simple and he just couldn't do it. And I really needed it done. I needed to be able to give him something - anything - that he could do to help out and do his part because I'm already doing so much! And he couldn't do it, not because of a medical condition, but because his brain just wouldn't let him. It's just so frustrating. And I KNOW I don't want to live like this. But I have NO IDEA how to even go about starting to get it to change.
And I've been doing and continue to do the work on myself - and I know that whatever happens on the 'other side': I'll be fine. I'll survive and thrive like I have always done. But at this point, I kinda just want to be on the other side now and it feels relentless and on my shoulders to even get us to the other side. I'm tired of dragging him along. Even when its willingly. How do I even start to change this??
And I guess that's where my question comes in: lately, I've been feeling like I'm floating in a void. Just an empty void. And I'm making plans for myself and my son, we are going about life. But I feel like there's so much more to life than this. Just this ignoring, quiet, shushing existance. I want more and deserve more. But I have no idea how to take those steps to more. Bu I know I want it - maybe not enough at this point?
I've found my spouses mix of the ADHD-anxiety-depression (that's the big one in this case) & dyslexia is this continous storm that just keeps moving along, .like a twister but never leaving. It's always there. I've learned to move and live around it and in it and with it.
I dunno. Just some thoughts and wasn't sure if others have felt the same and how did you come out of it?
I've been here
Submitted by adhd32 on
What is he doing about his condition? If nothing, tell him what you wrote here. Tell him you are considering moving on unless he gets serious about his mental health. You are not his caregiver. His mental health and other issues are his to work on. Sometimes the possibility of an ADDer's support system going away will spark something in them to get help. Sometimes not. Think about what message you are sending to your child when you overfunction and hubby does nothing. Don't rationalize the reasons why he can't pull his weight in the relationship. The bottom line is you are sinking and he is poking holes in the boat. You didn't create his issues, you cannot fix his issues, you can only change yourself.
ADHD, depression and anxiety
Submitted by Swedish coast on
This triple difficulty is what I've faced too in my ex. It's debilitating.
I got the impression he couldn't really change anything. He was aware, well aware, of the crisis in our relationship, how unhappy I was. Yet knowledge made no difference. He spent all his free time in our home. Still he managed to ignore and avoid the very obvious problems.
I'm to this day not sure if it was pure incapacity, or partly arrogance. After divorce he pretends he has no psychiatric issues. That is to recreate his self-esteem, I'm sure.
The void you describe is an image catching very accurately the craziness of upholding a marriage and parenthood on your own. By your work, your family looks normal from the outside. Only your close friends, and maybe not even they, can understand what's happening to you. If it's like for me, there was an unreal feeling, a calm one, about living this craziness day in day out with no one protesting.
The thing is, it's possible to be there for years with no acknowledgement from outside. Divorce is a lonely path to take. If you're lucky, you have a couple of people who support your decision. Society tells us married people should work diligently to keep the family together. And there is no visible exception for psychiatric illness. Nobody tells us there is, anyway. Certainly not the husband's caregivers.
I was lucky. My relatives that live close by actively disliked my ex when they learned about our troubles. Instead of conveying I should support my ex because he was ill, they thought he pulled me down and I needed to get rid of him to thrive. It was rather a bold stance to take. I'm forever thankful for it.
And there was the doctor who heard me describe this man wasting my life and said: you need to get out. You need to do it for your children. Never mind what may be lost financially etcetera. I could hear he was fed up with women like me talking about houses they didn't want to lose. Just get out, he said. A two-room apartment in a not so hot part of town is also a place to live.
When I meet this doctor occasionally in town, I look at him with wonder. He made me decide. I announced it the next day.
Dear Off the Roller, I'm well aware the intense pain I've told about in countless posts this last year is not encouraging for anyone contemplating divorce. But it's changing. I'm calmer, happier, stronger. I wouldn't for the world want to have divorce undone. It's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. It just takes time to adjust and grieve. And my children thrive.
My spontaneous thought is it'd be easier with one child than three. You can do this. I know you are strong.
Same here
Submitted by Catterfly on
You describe what I also felt for a long time so eloquently. The deciding factor for me to leave (2 months ago now!) was the realization that not only was he likely incapable of change in some key areas, he was also choosing not to in areas that were under his control.
Bottom line: it would never get better and I had to choose a better life for myself.
Ironically he's done much better since I left. He's finally communicating, putting in effort around the house I'm no longer in, and remembering the promises he made to the kids. I think it's probably that he's been shocked into hyper focus, and am not counting on any of these improvements to stay. But they're helping me to at least be less worried about the kids when they're with him.
Off the roller, these things take time and the decision can't be rushed, but I think you've already made yours.
I choose life.