Trigger warning: I'm in a lot of pain and seething in anger. I'm looking for a vent and hopefully if someone can share their experience and I can feel less alone. That's all - this is not an attack on all ADHDers or even just one (like my spouse) but I am really done with what ADHD symptoms have done to my life in all its many shapes and forms.
.... guys, I'm struggling. Big time. I'm so angry, resentful and all sorts of fired up emotions that I couldn't tell you what is what at the time. I look at my spouse and I'm angry and rightfully worried that I've crossed into contempt and resentment in levels that I dont' know even if I could begin to explain to him, he listens and works on it, could even HE come back from. I've done too much and pushed myself too far and and trying to claw my way back (by setting boundaries or something) but it just doesn't seem to be helping. I feel like I'm treading water and my spouse is throwing stones at me, but I have so much water in my mouth I can't tell him to stop. I'm running a marathon and he's slamming me with steel chairs but it's in the face so I can't communicate that hitting me with a steel chair isn't helping my marathon running time that is important to me.
I've rendered myself voiceless and I have no idea how to even start to talk, scream, cry, shout - anything to get my voice back.
I don't think my spouse ever intended to cause this much hurt and harm, but my god, I really don't like him at all. I want him to go away - I don't care where, but just go. It feels like having some quiet from him and his s**t is the literal only thing that will help me - despite me having therapy booked for tomorrow. I'm exhasted from this, I've dropped so many plates (responsibilities) and things that had to be dropped, prayed that the plate was rubber and that I could pick it back up. But he picks up NOTHING. He does NOTHING. I'm tired of asking and I'm tired of hearing 'could you just do me this favour??', 'could you just do me this solid?..." EVERY DAY but when I ask - it's a No. Flat out. No. How the hell do we non-ADHDers (or over functioning for some of us) even being to use the word NO? I really mean this. I have NO IDEA how to use the word No because I don't believe my using the word NO is taken seriously. It hasn't before, why would now be any different?
I'm relatively healthy and look after myself, but I've got this belly that I'd like to blame on late night snacking but if I'm perfectly honest, it's a stress belly. Becauwse of what I'm dealing with and how much I'm doing that is too much for me. My body is asking for me to stop, say No, rest, etc. But what about when you don't even want to be asked to help your spouse? Your spouses actions on the daily are an actual trigger in your heart EVERY DAY???? Your spouses words are a trigger every day??? What do I even DO with that information that I know? What can I do?!?!?! It rests on the fact that my emotions and well being are based off of someone else doing something - which I know in my brain doesn't work, but by god... my heart feels like if he would just: [insert action here] things would be better.
I can't tell if I'm about to have a breakdown, I've already had one and this is the outcome, or if I need a timeout or what. Or if I need to send my spouse on a time out or break or something. I literally have no idea. I hate what ADHD has done to me - and I don't think I even have it. ANd I'm frustrated that my spouse is not doing his part in all this. That's the crux of it. I'm angry, hurt and resetful because I dont' believe my spouse is pulling his own weight in this relationship/marriage. It's been like this for 4 years. I've had enough. But I don't know what to do with this information except what I'd LIKE to do is blow up at him and tell him so many mean things that I know will absolutely crush him... because then I would feel better that he has an OUNCE of feeling the pain that he has caused me with his lack of. But inside, I'm a good person and I know I couldn't do that to him because I wouuld regret that terribly.
When he speaks, I think he sounds ridiculous. I don't know him anymore and I don't understand him. I don't understand where he comes from or what his reasoning is behind something. i don't trust him. I dont' feel safe with him emotionally. And to be fully honest, I'm not sure I want to work on any of those things. I just want him to go away for a while OR him to step up and start the conversation again about our marriage. I'm tired of this being on me, day in and day out. Every effing day. The responsibilities and weight of all it has just crushed my shoulders.
I don't know even where to beging to address this. I don't know how to address this. I'm in therapy -0 an awesome therapist and I'm TIRED of spending my money talking about my spouse and his impact on me in my safe space. His unmanaged ADHD, anxiety and depression TAKES UP SO MUCH SPACE and it has upset me and angered me to my own health detriment - how to I even begin to take back space?
Do I need a break from him? The relationship? I have no idea. We haven't even gone to couselling.
Your soul is screaming to be free
Submitted by sickandtired on
I feel so much empathy for you. I felt the same way about my adhd ex. His helplessness and anger was unending, and he ruined our relationship. I started feeling overwhelmed with his constant rages and I started therapy just like you did. The only thing that made me feel better was to get him out of my life. Permanently. I was 60 when I threw him out of my house, and it was the best thing I ever did for my health and happiness. I tried "taking a break" from him a few times before the end, but my soul never felt truly free until I got him and his hoard of junk totally out of my life. It was such a relief for me to not have to clean up his messes again. It was also a huge relief not to have to dread the next thing he would mess up in his life. You can't fix him. He is never going to do things the way you would want him to do them. You are hoping for a fantasy to become reality. You have to ask yourself exactly WHY you are staying, because you seem stuck to me. Please look at your situation differently, because you are still hoping for him to change, but the change you need has to come from you. He's incapable of becoming the person you need and you can't do anything that will improve his behavior... you can only change yours. When I realized I could choose to live in misery with him or choose to get out it set me free. I got out and I have absolutely no regrets.
You need space
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Off the Roller, I suffer with you.
I came there too, to the place where there's no trust, where he is ridiculous, and you feel he is destroying your life day by day.
I think you and he need to move apart temporarily to have any chance of saving this marriage. You need out of the daily friction.
I moved away from my ex for four months. It took another six months together until I found myself at the non-negotiable end.
Separation gives you time to calm down and live by yourself. It gives skills that are useful if you decide on divorce. But it's also a powerful way of showing your husband things must change.
My ADD husband didn't manage to change anything even with the distress he felt about possible divorce. He lived those last months in the hellhole that was our home after his attempts at relationship repair had petered out. He seemed to forget the disastrous state of our relationship. I regret that I let him for so long and made his life comfortable while I suffered. I could never, ever forget how bad things were, day or night.
My ex has said I have no right to complain since I'm privileged. Spoiled by having had a happy childhood and generally (not being npf, not being chronically depressed, not being permanently anguished). He thinks the pain he's caused me is nothing in comparison to his own. So it doesn't count.
Please save yourself from this.
Space Consiouness Off the Roller
Submitted by J on
"All human suffering comes from non acceptance of what is"
The idea of space is key for me because of my ADHD brain. It's constantly full, all the time, with racing thoughts that will not stop. I cannot control my thoughts, but I can transcend them to a different realm or dimension. This is what Eckart Tolle teaches. This has been my path to escape my own thoughts and suffering....only to say: He speaks my language.
I emplore you to give this video a listen, as he explains this concept better than I ever could.
YouTube: How to Find Space Around What IS Happening, 20 Minute Meditation with Echart Tolle
Sick and tired is 100% correct
Submitted by adhd32 on
You have to leave permanently. You must accept that your spouse is not and will never transform into a fully functioning caring partner. Wishing and hoping and giving second and twentieth chances for him to function will not change the outcome. Nothing in your life will change unless you stop looking at him to change. NOTHING. You must make the big move right out of his life. Codependency may be the reason you have stayed miserable so long but once you take back your power and give him back all of his responsibilities and move on, you will see a positive change in your life. You MUST accept that you cannot change him. Think about your kids, they see everything.
How many decades are you willing to live like this?
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
That is the question. If you think four years has taken a heavy toll on you what do you expect thirty years will do? It is horrible; it is real. It won't 'go away'. Ever.