My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for six years. When we first met, I was a fixer who liked to rescue people; we definitely complimented each other. Over the years, I've done my own mental and emotional work to heal and grow; I don't try to fix or rescue people anymore and continue on my journey of personal growth. My husband did two tours in Iraq and has mild PTSD. For years, I chalked up his explosive anger to PTSD and his forgetfulness to an undiagnosed TBI (he refuses to get tested). He was diagnosed and treated (Adderall) for ADHD two years ago when he started graduate school. I didn't realize how ADHD affected relationships; I've always thought of ADHD as a focus/concentration problem. Six weeks ago, I came across Melissa's work and realized that his ADHD better explains his symptoms than PTSD. Since then, I talked to him about how his ADHD was affecting our marriage and how unhappy I am. He agreed that we needed to work on our relationship and he needed to address his ADHD symptoms. We started by buying a copy of Melissa's book and listening to the same book on Audible during a weekend getaway (we only got through half of the book). After arriving home from that getaway, he has done nothing else to help/treat his ADHD. I think he assumes that since we don't fight (I avoid conflict with him because I can't tolerate his angry explosions), everything is good in our relationship, but it's not. He says he will finish Melissa's book, but instead, he spends hours and hours on the couch most days scrolling Facebook or watching TV. I've asked him to find a psychiatric provider in our area who specializes in ADHD, but he hasn't (I found one in five minutes). I've asked him to look at several apps to help him, and us as a couple, complete household tasks, but he won't. I suggested Melissa's couples seminar, but he showed no interest. We haven't had sex in over five years, and when I bring it up, he blames me. He graduates his program in May 2025 and I've decided to divorce him if things don't change. I love him, but I can't and won't live like this. I'm going to suggest Melissa's couples seminar that will begin sometime in 2025 as a last-ditch effort to turn things around. If he blows that off, I don't know what else to do.
My ADHD Spouse Won't Get Help
Submitted by cvb21xdrt on 10/13/2024.
Questions
Submitted by J on
Hi cvb21xdrt,
As I read through this post, I have a handful of questions to ask. Since this is a post in the "Support for the ADHD Partner" and even though I have ADHD, so does my partner. I guess that qualifies my as an ADHD partner too? If you don't mind?
If I hear you correctly, you've listed a number of issues ( or symptoms ) that sound like deal breakers, as you've expressed you are close to divorce if you see no improvement from your spouse?
Since I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to talk about medications, I'm wondering which, of the symptoms mentioned, are the most problematic or the ones you cannot live with? And since your afraid to talk to him about these things, I'm wondering if answering these concerns or questions with me would be helpful. I know that suppressing anger for myself only creates resentment and more anger and does not make anything go away. This will also be helpful to me, to state: what it is, that's bothering you most since my ADHD SO, is also conflict avoident and she says my anger is something she can't tolerate, in fact, this is the target symptom I will be talking about when trying to determine the best combination of meds I should be taking. I'm suggesting a psychiatrist ( for myself ) in order to do this or, as you mentioned, an ADHD specialist if that's possible from my Medicare providers.
The other questions I have are:
How are you determining what is ADHD and what is something else? I'm asking because you mentioned PTSD and brain injury. How can you tell if his emotional labilty is from ADHD, PTSD, Brain injury or all or any combination of the three? Are you considering OCD
What is it about his short term memory that is the hardest thing to deal with and what part most affects you? My SO mentions this...but she has issues of her own with short term memory.
As I understand in context, he's in some kind of program and he graduates in May of next year? That's the deadline he needs to address all these things and study and graduate all at the same time, as I understand you? How do you expect him to split his attention between school and prioritizing you and your relationship ( and the stress this will create ) and accomplish this goal that you've determined for him? And does he know about this deadline? Is this an arbitrary deadline you've chosen or have you both agreed on it together?
How does no sex affect you? I know it affects me greatly and creates a host of issues for me that I'm now having to deal with.
Lastly, does it feel like your going towards something...or moving away from something? And if either: what are you moving towards and/or what are you moving away from?
I'm asking this because I'm definitely moving towards my SO staying together and doing everything in my power to do so. I'm moving forward or towards something, abd and not trying to get away from anything. All my energy is going in one direction as much as I can.
I've narrowed down that my anger is the one thing she cannot tolerate in me, while her ( ADHD ) anger is not my biggest concern. Because this is a subjective thing, her ADHD meltdowns appear differently than mine. Her's don't frighten me or traumatized me. She's even hit or kicked me on a couple of occasions but I'm totally not afraid of her. It more of a single hit or kick that I can barely feel. It's not even a blip as far as how it affects me, so subjectly, it's not a deal breaker for me. She also doesn't yell or rage ...more just raises her voice. I'd say I'm the same noe ( not raging ) but I do raise my voice and perseverate and pace. I tend to repeat myself when I get angry. She finds this intolerable...especially the repeating myself.
Here's a couple things I read about women's ADHD meltdowns:
Emotional outbursts: Yelling, crying, rage, and anger ( no yelling...but crying and anger )
Irritability: Being easily annoyed by others. ( she does this in spades...every where she goes but especially driving )
Restlessness: Fidgeting and being unable to sit still
Withdrawal: Withdrawing from others and isolating themselves. ( she does this )
Self-harm: Engaging in self-harming behaviors
Binge eating or drinking: Consuming large amounts of food or alcohol.
Muscle tension: Clenched fists or excessive tension in the body. ( she'll slam her clenched fist on a table or car dashboard or me as I mentioned )
Frustration: Feeling overwhelmed by frustration, especially when faced with challenges or perceived failures. ( which translates into anger )
I've always been a thrower...from very early age. Or breaking inanimate object. I don't hit people but I have yelled at the top of my lungs.
Anyway. This is not my main concern because it has the least affect on me. This isn't my deal breaker because it's only surfaced a few times.
My possible deal breaker, as I've moved past the no sex for the time being ( if not indefinitely ). I've basically concluded that being heard of speaking up and trying to negotiate is not a conflict free scenario. There's always going to be some coming from her but as I've said...it doesn't frighten me and I'm not afraid of her.
What affects me most is her controlling behavior from her anxiety and OCD ( including that anger)...which she only recently admitted to and actually told me about ( OCD ). This line however gets murky as she's explained it has to do with chaos. The feeling of chaos and overwhelm when things are not in order and her house ( environment) is not "chaos free".
That's a different kind of anger for a different reason. It's why I asked if his anger was from the three things you mentioned and how can you tell? I can't always tell either but at least I've narrowed it down some. She's taking meds specifically aimed at anxiety because of it. It'll be interesting to see what the doctors come up with for me.
The last thing I've been reading up on is the concept of the shadow feminine and the shadow masculine energy and behavior. In a very uncanny way, the shadow feminine explains my SO almost to a T. It's a very elusive and subtle thing. Very hidden so to speak. That may actually be the "thing" that has the greatest affect on me. So, if I had to choose...I might choose the no sex and the shadow feminine energy as the two that I'm having the hardest time dealing with.
Thank you for your well
Submitted by cvb21xdrt on
Thank you for your well-meaning response. I knew that posting a paragraph would not adequately explain the past 11 years, and I'm okay with that. I came to this forum to vent and find support (e.g., normalize my experience). I wish you the best in your journey.
He doesn’t try
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm so sorry. This sounds hard.
You describe how the relationship makes you unhappy and he doesn't try to change this.
I understand completely that you consider leaving. To me it doesn't seem to matter which diagnoses are involved, or why he's not making the effort (disability, lack of priorities, inattentiveness, depression, inertia?) You can't have a better relationship if he doesn't optimize his treatment, choose you over the computer and try to create a good life for the two of you.
I've had much the same experiences and had to leave for this reason. My impression was the ADD ex partner was unaware of how his choices affected me, he was too tired and overwhelmed to actively pursue anything and retreated to bed/laptop given half a chance. He must even towards the end have imagined this was sustainable, while I felt I'd been at the end of my tether for years already.
I think it's possible for an ADHD person to oversee the running out of patience in their partner, despite being told over and over disaster is near. Mine did nothing even when all relationship alarms were blaring.
It's sad, and incomprehensible, insulting, and also something I found I couldn't affect in any way. The only way forward was leaving him.
Thank you for sharing your
Submitted by cvb21xdrt on
Thank you for sharing your experience and normalizing mine. This has been such a lonely journey, and I haven't talked to family or friends because I don't want to isolate him from our support network. I suppose that is why I came to this forum...to vent and share. Thank you!!
The hard line
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi there,
You've described so many of our relationships. I left mine two months ago, after 17 years of marriage and 20 years together. I'm glad you're starting to ask these types of questions much earlier.
I spent years trying to fix things myself, but finally came to the conclusion that there's a hard line: will he or won't he engage to work on himself and take responsibility for his ADHD?
Like you, I gave my spouse all the tools and support I could find, including Melissa's course. He wouldn't engage in anything and refused to accept that his ADHD could have affected me or our kids.
Now I can walk away knowing that I did everything I could, and I feel good about that decision.
My heart is breaking
Submitted by BlueHeron388 on
As I sit here by the lake trying to find calm and look for answers in this forum I feel so helpless to save my relationship. Much like this post, I've been the caretaker while he fluster and flounces about figuring his stuff out at my expense. Financially, emotionally, mentally. We haven't had aww in o er three of our 8 year relationship. He acts like I'm the bad guy in his life constantly'criticizing' him. I can't bring up any topic that is even a little bit sensitive without being interrupted mid-sentence with him flying off the handle bc I chose the wrong words or he thinks he knows what I'm going to say. When I object to being interrupted he lectures me with words like criticism, narcissist, manipulation - he won't directly call me those words but he puts me in that role. The irony is that he's actually the victim of a narcissistic abusive business partner and is an alcoholic that quit drinking 2 yrs ago - on his own - and has unwittingly taken in those characteristics. He won't go to a proper counsellor bc he says he researches and reads all perspectives online and that's good enough. He thinks he knows what people are thinking and what their motives are and he's always blustering about it. I'm too exhausted to go through it all. I've done everything I can think of to please him and make him happy but he never is. Now I'm out 10 k my mental health is suffering and I'm having physical issues like ulcer.
he stormed out for the third time in a week and I'm not letting him back. I love him but it's killing me.
Good luck to you all.
if you have any advice or magic wand. I'm all ears