I know I keep bringing up OCD in connection to my SO and I realize I have no expertise on this subject. I really don't know how to differentiate the nuances and comorbitity of all the possible combinations of things that a person could have as well as ADHD. Or for that matter, all the overlaps and shared symptoms and which thing is which. I simply don't know.
But I do talk to her and ask questions about what I observe when there's no conflict and emotions are low. I'm simply curious so I can better understand.
We don't seem to have any conflict concerning household chores in fact, she never complains that Im not doing enough around the house, however, I do get the sense that she's tired or feels overworked and feels stressed when having to work and take care of the house. I also don't get the sense that she's secretly wishing I'd do more but she's afraid to talk to me or ask ( conflict avoidant ). On the contrary, I'M the one bringing it up and trying to do more; Offering to help and and checking in continuously to make sure I'm doing my share. The answer is always the same: "no, I'd rather do it myself". I also don't get any sense that I'm not doing it well enough or doing a sloppy job. If need be, I can turn on my own perfectionism and do a really great job.
So what's this issue? She doesn't really want to do all of it, but at the same time, she can't relinquish these things ( control ) to anyone else for some ( seemingly ) unknown reason?
So I ask: why don't you let me help you?
Me: I'd be glad to help you run the vacuum and do the floors.
Her: No, I'd rather do it myself
Me: okay, but why ? Do I not do a good job?
Her: It's not that, it's that, if I can feel any particles of dirt, dust, flecks of stuff on the bottoms of my feet, it drives me crazy and I like to go barefoot in the house
That's the answer. It's a sensory issue. The floors have to be so sanitary clean and micro-particle free...that if she can "feel" anything on her bare feet, it's not suitable for her. And I just don't go to that extreme. My basis for clean floors has more to do with "visually" clean...not "touch" clean.
And the counter tops, stove tops, furniture tops or any surface has to meet the "feel" test. This goes one step beyond the "white glove" test since that is still a visual inspection.
Another example that has actually hurt my feelings at times which I'm now starting to understand that I shouldn't take this too personally. This just happened a few days ago but saying, it happens all the time very predictably. This has to do with smells.
I'll go to kiss her and will say something nice or complimentary ( or anything positive ) as a show of affection. Her immediate response will be: " did you brush your teeth, your breathe stinks"
And my answer is: "yes, I just brushed my teeth."
If you can imagine, this may not make you feel very good? Especially immediately right after showing a nice gesture of affection? And it's not, "I love you too...and...by the way ( FYI ) your breath is a little stinky". It's more like ( in disgust )...like "ick, yuck...your breathe stinks!...I'm so repulsed " instantly after that kind of exchange.
I'm beginning to understand this better...this has very little to do with me and more to do with an extreme sensory reaction that has to do with smell and touch. To the point, it's so extreme...because the reaction inside her is extreme even to every day smells and touch sensations that normally ( by most people standards) would probably not bother them much? I don't have this kind of sensory issues and someone's breathe or odor in a mild form doesn't bother me a bit. I don't even think twice about it or give it a second thought. It simply doesn't bother me.
This appears to me, as a pervasive issue that extends to everything where ever she goes to a lesser degree...but extremely so, inside the house or her personal space or environment. Her controlling behavior appears more limited to this kind of thing.
And with me, it appears when I'm doing something that appears to her...that may be doing something that's going to create this kind of extreme sensory reaction. So, it's either, to prevent this from happening or...to stop this reaction while it's happening?
So when it comes to the kiss....the reaction has already happened which is why the "yuck...it smells so bad ! " response even after I've brushed my teeth immediately before the kiss. Things like smells are so intense for her, that even the slightest of odor no matter how faint...cause this extreme reaction.
I'm calling this an extreme sensory reaction but...I don't really know what the cause is? Is this ADHD, OCD or a combination of both. Or neither one?
I don't know. But I'm learning not to take it personally.
But also saying....it makes it difficult to help someone clean, when only they know what's good enough for them based on how it feels or smells ( for them )
Not uncommon behaviors....
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm really worn out on labels for people....Although I do understand the working of the mind causes people to think and act differently...So it boils down to justification....What is a person going to do or say w/ no convictions to feel or care what the effects of those words or actions do to others....
As for as the cleaning piece, I have heard about this seemingly over the top desire for perfection, although it's not really part of my or my wife's make up on a regular basis...I'm more of a pickup behind myself, wipe up guy, who don't leave messes....And she is a messy slob that will live a in pig sti until she starts shame cleaning because company is coming (adult children and spouses at holidays, we have little to no company due to her hoarding)...But she want touch a floor, I do those...
As for as the abrupt comments about kissing, breathe issues etc....Mine does that also...I think rudeness of this type is common for certain minds....Non filtered comments are normal, so I have to see it for what it is (not mine to own) and not allow it to effect me if possible....It's not about teeth brushing, most adults brush their teeth two or three times a day...I brush my teeth much more faithfully than my wife...It's just that many minds have very little ability to not say what they think, no matter how bad it sounds...Any time a person feels the liberty (no convictions not to) to do, say, demand, to take part in, or not take part in, anything in life...(even martial vow obligations) they want...It's just another product of there mind type....Or heart condition, Say it how ever you will....This is where conflict usually starts....No one wants to accept behaviors that are disrespectful, even when the mind has no ability to be respectful...So we argue, point out, etc....But, like I say....when justification is present....Due to blindness, indifference, or pure self centeredness we are better off to keep our peace, and accept the facts being lived out before us...That we can't change unless we are willing to change us....Acceptance...Ignore...Move on...
c
I agree C
Submitted by J on
The thing about labeling is it starts moving down the road towards depersonalization which is a dangerous path to follow. It generalizes people into catagories which can fall into the dehumanizing trap. It's what the Nazis did with the Jews. Once you go that far, you can do or treat anyone anyway you like and justify it because they're not even human. Just an object to with as you like. It's a slippery slope for sure.
It is helpful however, to know the person you're with especially if your aim is to help get along. Knowing the do's and don't both, for your benefit and theirs.
For me, having to do with my post...the only important thing was to differentiate between her doing it for an issue she's having, or is it directed at me and my person. In the case of the teeth brushing, it wasn't about that at all. It has to do with her odor sensitivity which she shows everywhere else too. This helps me not take it personally and put that to rest. It's really the only reason to do it as far as I'm concerned.