I figured you would be the perfect person to ask for advice. I've been married to my ADHD husband for 2 years and dated for 3. He also suffers from depression and anxiety. The years together consisted of a lack of compassion, communication, and self control. I feel like its been a good amount of mental and emotional abuse but he will instead say its normal and that I'm weak...so with that said, I tend to doubt myself and my decisions.
My question is, am I wrong not to have faith in him that he will change? Am I wrong that I want someone to truly love me and be nice to me? I understand I married him knowing he had ADHD BUT what bothers me is that he takes everything out on me. I feel like you can be depressed or angry...even crazy but you don't have to hurt someone you love. He's very disrespectful towards me and its been abusive. I've stuck by his side thru all the craziness. I have a big decision to make on whether I will stay in this marriage but honestly I don't want to waste any more time. I feel like I will never forgive myself for giving him another chance and have him treat me the way he did. I have no kids yet so that's why I feel like I should walk away. This is my second divorce...I'm 32...I tend to give people chances that don't deserve chances. So I sit here, thinking love would conquer all and I could make him a better person. I've learned that all the love and affection I tried to give(that was constantly rejected) won't help him. I'm worried that I will be stigmatized because this is a second marriage. I guess I'm scared of being judged. Also, did I do enough to help him? I would by books and write him emails of things to read on the internet about his condition. I even found his doctor. There is only so much I can do.
It was his idea to move out of the house. He pretty much abandoned me. Initially he wanted to move out because he hated me, hated marriage and I made his life miserable (as an FYI, he was depressed, anxious and angry when I met him...I figured one day he may turn on me like he did with everyone else in his life and my time has come). My husband forgets things easily and is so convinced he used to be happy. So now he moved out but things have changed and now he tells me he moved out to better himself and that he didn't mean all those things. I can't handle the rollercoaster and iI feel like there is only so much I can handle.
I just don't want to make another mistake. I need guidance and I really did love him and do love him. I just don't want someone being mean to me anymore when I deserve love and respect. My problem right now is that when I think about giving him a chance, he snaps on me. He still can't control his anger nor will he let me speak. With that said, he will mimic me and put me down.
I probably answered my own question but advice from others would be helpful. It's tough going thru this alone. Right now I'm confused, sad, weak and I just want to live a happy, healthy life. He says I'm giving up on him and never loved him but when do I love myself?
hmmmm
Submitted by tornadoscott on
Wow. From the sounds of things you have been quite a resource and support structure for your husband. Like I said in another post on here, the greatest gift I have ever received as an adult with ADHD is to meet someone who understands my struggles yet loves me in spite of them.
As much as I am an advocate for people working hard on their relationships, the non-ADHD person can't be working harder to address issues than their ADHD partner. From your post it sounds like this has taken a huge toll on you and you probably feel tons of resentment for working so hard to help someone that treats you the way he does. Ultimately you will need to do what is best for you, nobody deserves to be treated the way that you have described.
Your husband will have to find the strength and courage someday to face his issues, unfortunately for him you may not be around. ADHD doesn't just go away, and its a royal pain in the a$$ but it can be overcome with lots and lots of hard work.
What do you think is the best choice for you to make?
If you have any questions for me just ask...I'm a pretty open book and since most of us adult ADHD-ers are pretty similar (in our way of thinking and behavior) I might have some answers that make some sense... =)
I appreciate your reply.
Submitted by hope09 on
I appreciate your reply. It's very helpful and offers clarity into my situation. I doubt myself too often and think..."am I the one who is crazy".
You know I saw him today and I still love him very much but I can't go on a hope and dream. The reality is he has a lot of issues that I can't help him with. I would take improvement but that's a huge risk. I'm so worried about having children with him because of his anger, impulse and lack of control. I would die if he yelled at them the way he yells at me. If I can't handle it what child could?
For me, its been difficult to separate what's the disease and what's abuse but all I see is this vicious, toxic combination that leaves me damaged. I feel like the best choice for me is to love him and keep him in my life but not as my husband. He is not dependable and I wish I can say I can live without the support but I can't. I need to have a bit more emotional/mental support. More then he can offer. Just kills me because I really do love him but I need to love myself. It's so hard. I hate being here and I don't wish this upon anyone.
Does your ADHD make me mean to people or give you a different perception of reality? I don't think my desperation to understand the disease and my husband will ever stop. I try to change to cope with it but nothing I can do seems to help and unfortunately its changing me for the worse.
been there
Submitted by orangecat on
Wow sounds like the relationship i was in for 13 yrs. Things were great for the first 7 years or so. Then we had additional stress from bankruptcy, moving, job loss, etc. He was always so bright and funny and absolutely ADHD. Then things began to be my fault. He was sick of me. He began berating me constantly. I coped - I ignored him, fought back, did what he said, what EVER it took. His behavior got worse and worse. Eventually we split for good, and things have never been better. I thought it was more depression, but reading this site, i can absolutely see how much ADHD affected our relationship
you're welcome....
Submitted by tornadoscott on
I'm glad that you were able to pull something from my post.
I wouldn't say that ADHD in and of itself makes people mean or angry but it certainly plays a part in those behaviors. For me it can be extremely difficult to get into a heated discussion or even an argument because my listening skills and self-control deteriorate. This is the issue that I have the most difficulty with and the behavior that I am focusing all my effort toward correcting. I'm starting with working on my listening skills because I think if I can listen and understand what's being said to me I will be able to formulate an appropriate response.
Most people with ADHD temper this behavior around other people and in situations where the other side will not tolerate the behavior but our loved ones receive this treatment because we often know that they will just deal with it.
They other part to realize is the reason for this loss in control, where it often comes from, and what happens after the fact. Many times we ADHD-ers get angry, frustrated and vicious because we feel we are being attacked. In life we have become used to criticism being the finger pointing out our ADHD and things that we often feel powerless to change. We get angry, defensive and rude and fight to show how something isn't "our fault" even if that isn't what is being talked about. I think it also important to understand what happens after one of these episodes. For me the feelings of sadness, embarrassment, disappointment, regret, desire and guilt consume me and further build the "you can't ever fix this" feeling inside of me. I've often hated who I was during arguments and felt so idiotic for arguing about the topics I have chosen to argue about. It's hard to handle sometimes because I realize what I feel probably doesn't touch what my partner experiences.
On the positive side of things I think people can change and they can overcome ADHD, it takes mountains of work and dedication but it is entirely possible. I know I will do it, for myself and for those dear to me I will put in the work because I can't let ADHD take that much from me. You will probably have to ask yourself some tough questions. Are you in love with your husband or are you in love with what he could be? Do you realistically think he will work to change? If you believe he can are you willing to forgive him for his past mistakes?
Those are tough questions and may take some thought to answer truthfully. Let me know if I can do anything else to help or answer any more questions. I do write a bit about some of my experiences at myfastmind.wordpress.com maybe your husband might want to read some of what I've written, it might give him a preview of what's to come or he can ask me some questions himself, maybe it would help for him to talk to someone that's got the same hills to climb.
Either way good luck.
Thank you!!! I'll be sending
Submitted by hope09 on
Thank you!!! I'll be sending him your blog!!!
Nail on my ADD Head, tornadoscott...
Submitted by YYZ on
hope09...
I am sorry for what you have been going through...
I began my research into my ADD by reading "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy". I am really happy to have found this website and have benefited from the many posts I have read. I really respect the Non-ADDer's for their posts and more importantly trying to gain some knowledge of ADD.
tornadoscott...
"Attacked" is what used to shut me down. This used to send me into a mental state that I cannot quite describe, but I will try.
Here is an example:
I had always thought the things I did were just poor character, impulsive and selfish actions and why I had such an ability to forget to do the one thing asked of me on my way home from work, just Stupid...
How many times after being "Why/How" did you forget to do "Insert Task Here"?!?, and I bark back "Do you think I forgot on purpose, because this conversation is "So" fun?!?...
So many thoughts at the same time. I cannot believe I have caused such anger to get attacked, seemingly without warning, because ADDer's live in the Now. I cannot think of the right thing to say because of all the mental noise, and if I say anything, history proves it will not come out the way I mean it to illustrate my thoughts. Self hatred is what I feel because of such anger towards me. My wife could only think my silence meant I did not care, or had any thoughts about her subject of the outburst, or I must agree with her point because I did not challenge the outburst. How many nights we went to bed angry, then the next day comes...
The next day is worse, because I have to figure out some way to break the "Ice" without being blown-off for initiating communications though a pathetic small-talk approach. I need a calm conversation to have a chance at adult talk. Sometimes the first post blow-up communication is via email or text at work the next day. Someone has recently posted about what a good idea it is to do this because the ADDer can put the thoughts down and make sure everything is explained adequately and the Non-ADDer can do the same. I totally believe this to be true. My wife used to say Text or Email was too impersonal. I feel we accomplish far more during these electronic conversations.
The meds really help me though the day, but unfortunately most confrontations in a marriage happen at night, after work, and the meds are all but out of the system, so the ADD begins coming back into play as the night wears on. If I take meds later in the day I will have issues going to sleep.
I am still fighting the old coping mechanisms, but feel like I am improving steadily.
Best wishes...
I feel my blood boiling when
Submitted by hope09 on
I feel my blood boiling when I typically try to have patience. It's tough staying sane when your partner is NOT registering things in his mind. I get the frontal lobe thing, I do.
I just had to write back and tell you what just happened because I question myself and my sanity. Like I said, I have a decision to make and I desperately want things to work but time and time again I'm challenged. Here is what happened today which I take as a sign to get the hell away from my ADHD husband...
In attempt to get me back (and in his mind help our relationship) my ADHD husband figures he should borrow money from his parents for us to move back into the city together. The problem with this: 1) We are in $50k of credit card debt. Which doesn't include the car and motorcycle payments. (Which he wanted and gave me hell over if he did not get it! I had no choice to give in so he would stop yelling at me!) 2) He can only afford to see his ADHD doc monthly. Ummmm his priority is supposed to be getting treatment. There are underlying issues that moving back together out of our parents house just won't fix! 3) The cost of living in the city! I can't even afford living home with my parents since the bills are building up! 4) He was looking for an apartment withOUT me when we lived with my parents because he said he hated marriage, me and my family. 5) He can barely give me money for the bills and I'm left working and taking on a ton of side jobs to get by!
My response to him, "thank you for the gesture but there is no f'ing way" (maybe I shouldn't have cursed but I'm shocked that he thinks this is a good idea). I'm not sweeping everything that has happened over the past 5 years under the carpet. He's been cruel and crazy majority of the time! When we lived by ourselves it was really rough, when we lived with my parents it was worse BUT regardless of where we lived the ADHD, anger, depression and anxiety follows. Whoever he is around the most he begins to hate. It's a fact. I've seen it and lived it!
He immediately got upset because he didn't like the tone in my voice. He got defensive and the anger started coming out. This is a sign to me he is NOT improving, am I wrong? His response was, "We don't ever get anywhere". That's his response to everything...hopeless and impatient. I am not allowed to disagree otherwise there is a fight. Am I wrong that he needs to earn my trust back, be compassionate and understanding NOT expect me to think this was the greatest idea since sliced bread. I'm not asking for things to be perfect but better.
I understand the energy put forth when someone with ADHD is trying so I feel bad for him. I want to love him, to trust him and not end this marriage but this is a sign isn't it? In the past 4 months he's seen his ADHD doc 5 times and is only taking Zoloft which doesn't really do anything. He is still smoking to control the ADHD which probably makes it worse so what do I do? I hate giving up but that's him trying? Him reacting the same is trying? Then he says he can't control himself and that I don't love him enough nor support him. This is breaking me. I'm so upset.
Love yourself first
Submitted by jules on
Hope09: you need to love yourself, and that can mean making difficult decisions.
So I sit here, thinking love would conquer all and I could make him a better person. You can never "make someone a better person". You could inspire someone to want to live a better life, but ultimately they need to make the changes themselves. I don't want to judge your husband since I don't know him, but based on what you have written, it doesn't sound like he wants to change.
I'm worried that I will be stigmatized because this is a second marriage. I guess I'm scared of being judged. I hear you on this one, I really do. Being concerned about "what other people will think" is a really big one for me to deal with, but I have been doing a lot of self-work and the bottom line is, no-one else will know the full extent of what you are going through, and only you will know what is right for you. So: at the end of the day, what other people think is irrelevant. Like I said, this is easier said than done, and I still battle with it, but what other people think is only thoughts, not facts.
Love yourself, first and foremost. In your life, YOU are the most important person. If you don't love yourself more than anyone else, you can't give of your best self in any other relationship.
I spent most of my seven year marriage dealing with an undiagnosed ADD husband. Much of that time I thought the problems were due to me. But then I started on a personal journey of introspection and work on myself, and through loving myself and realising that my husband did actually have serious issues, we got to the place of him getting a diagnosis and he is now medicated and is willing to make changes himself. It is early days, but I am a lot more hopeful for our marriage than I was even six months ago, just prior to diagnosis.
You can only support him so much - he has to be willing to make changes.
Sending you a hug, and wishing you much strength to believe in yourself and love yourself and do what is right for you.
Thank you so much! I've
Submitted by hope09 on
Thank you so much! I've realized that I'm moving on. It's not easy but I can't make him change or go on his words! I need to love myself more and you are right!
Conditional Love
Submitted by wagnerism on
You may doubt your realization (call that a "decision"!!!) to move on. You have many different feelings that you must address and any decision you make is going to go against some of them. Any choice you make will have some regret.
If in a moment of doubt you consider changing your mind, make your getting back together conditional. He has to put forth a great effort and have some success on his own BEFORE you can get involved. Do not compromise, as the ADHD focusing may shift once he has accomplished getting back in.
Words mean nothing, actions mean everything. No matter how much he does or does not argue about it, look at what he has actually accomplished.
Even if his intentions are truly sincere and you completely believe him, it is a matter of him getting to the point where he can follow through.
Please consider getting some counseling support for yourself if you have not yet already done so. You have been through a lot.