OK, like so many other people I've read my fair share of books, blogs, forums and discussions and what I don't often come across is places where people present an issue or challenge or situation and others suggest real specific strategies to handle, adapt to or overcome the issue. I'd like this topic to do that. Let's have people present a situation that has happened or a behavior that they exhibit and lets have others share some specific strategies or techniques that could create a different, more desirable outcome...sound good?
Here's my first one...
My biggest issue is the quickness with which I tend to turn a debate, discussion or criticism into an argument. Whether or not this is for stimulation I'm not sure. What are some ways that I can identify when I am nearing a breaking point, take that important step back and respond and continue into a productive conversation in a loving and caring way with my partner?
I'll give an example situation:
It was beautiful outside so my girlfriend and I decided to go for a walk one evening at around 11:30 pm. As we were walking there were several occasions where I was walking ahead of her. After the third or fourth time that this had happened she stopped what she had been talking about and asked why I can't walk with her.
My reaction: I'm not trying to walk ahead of you, I'm taller and I naturally walk a bit faster so sometimes I can't help it.
Her reaction: You need to be more aware of how fast you are walking because we are walking together and you walking ahead of me doesn't show me you're interested in doing that.
From this point on we got in a fight about walking speed, respect, awareness, communication, height and it's relation to walking speed, the ability for taller people to comfortably walk slower than their normal pace, connection, caring and rudeness. The only thing we didn't argue about was the middle-eastern peace process.
OK. So after the fact I realize that she wasn't angry or upset with me because I have longer legs and I walk faster, she was upset because me walking ahead of her made her feel unimportant. She felt as if I wasn't making an effort to connect with her and stay aware of where she was and that I thus started walking too fast. I don't think she was being mean or unreasonable and I understand how she felt. The fact of the matter was that I was spacing out and not paying attention to where she was and I was walking ahead of her. I wasn't doing it on purpose but I was still doing it.
This may seem like a silly topic and a argument that shouldn't be an argument and I agree. How do I work to see her side and feelings in the very beginning? What can I do each time to make sure I understand what the true issue is? What systems can I put into place to help me remind myself understand what she is trying to communicate and then realize in the moment that this isn't a personal attack on me?
What are some specific techniques or strategies? Anyone have any ideas?
Try Holding Hands
Submitted by Hoping4More on
This happens with my wife and I a lot. I used to get upset just like your wife, after the third or fourth time saying something. But I found something that works. Try holding hands or linking arms. Then it's impossible to drift apart.
Pugnacity is very common in
Submitted by heartswap on
Pugnacity is very common in ADD because t is VERY stimulating to be in an argument. I used to do it a lot, I'd fight about everything and nothing.
My offering in solution is to make sure you're getting the attention/stimulation you need. (I'd start fights more frequently when I felt ignored and began asking for attention instead) So really try to be aware of when you're starting fights and what's going on otherwise. Also, before you start getting defensive, really try to think about what you really want to say and try to calm down before you talk. I think it's based in our impulsiveness as to why we just jump in head on, completely defensive. I've ended an argument when I realized my point was entirely ridiculous.
Your wife need to understand
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
Your wife need to understand the connection between feet and brain is a little off and to try not to take it personally. You need to get into the habit of making sure you are beside her.
I like the idea of holding hands and linking arms. Also, how about you guys agree on some reminder, something non hurtful and gently funny. "Woah there big guy, you're leaving me in the dust!"
Then you need to not make excuses but apologize and make a small gesture of affection. "Sorry hun!" *kiss*
My hubby is a fast walker so he gets the stroller, the dog or the shopping cart. That slows him down!
Thanks!
Submitted by tornadoscott on
Awesome thoughts folks and some great tips. The hand holding is a no-brainer but it happened to be 90 degrees and 100% humidity that night so my clammy hands got no love... =)
The use of humor is something that I think would really work, I mean I love to laugh so I'm hoping we can incorporate a light-hearted line that helps me notice when I'm getting a bit too serious. I suppose I could strap on some additional weight but I'm worried about developing a very disproportional musculature. I did however offer to explore leg shortening procedures but she indicated that she likes my height in almost every other situation especially grabbing off of the top shelf in the kitchen.
Sometimes I feel the buildup to an argument and a little tightening in the chest and am able to head things off. I realize people can't avoid disagreeing sometimes and arguing but I want to be respectful and in complete control whenever those occur. I just have to practice and try harder. It'll be worth it though.
Really though, I appreciate the tips and want to keep the ball rolling. Anyone else have a situation or behavior they need some tips on correcting? Share away!
Use Melissa's Two Day Experiment to reduce arguments
Submitted by SheThinksImLazy on
The "walking ahead" was just an example, and your stated problem was starting arguments, so here's a good technique to work on that:
http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/two-day-experiment-your-adhd-relationship
Dinner
Submitted by nifferka on
Okay, here's one of our top stresses: Dinner. Half the time, I fail to get a real dinner ready before the kids are too tired to eat and my husband is too hungry to be polite. Our conditions are:
This is what we have tried already which is helping:
What usually happens? I forget to notice that we're having chicken, so it doesn't get defrosted. I experiment with something new in the afternoon and use up one of the vital ingredients for that night's meal. Beggars come to the door and I give them most of the fruit or bread in the house (happens a lot). I look up a variation of a recipe online and lose track of time. Or, most frequently, I completely forget that I am responsible for feeding my family until my DH gently asks, "So, when will dinner be ready?" He is tired of pasta, my last-minute fallback.
Any suggestions?
Let's see...
Submitted by tornadoscott on
I'm curious, where are you from?
It sounds like you got off to a really good start with the calendar and meal planning. It sounds like a great idea to get everyone participating.
So you've got the meals planned out but you find that things pop up during the day that take your mind off of the goal for dinner and you end up not being prepared to make the meal that you had intended.
Have you tried posting some notes on the refrigerator or the front door to remind yourself to check the recipe for that night's meal before making or giving anything away? You could also have your kids make up some tags out of colored paper that could be stuck to all of the ingredients for that night's meal. That way when you went to grab something you would be reminded that it was needed later.
As far as remembering dinner I guess that just takes a way to alert yourself, maybe an alarm clock set to 3:00 each day. When it goes off you defrost the chicken and get the other ingredients ready and organized.
Does anyone else have any ideas?
Re: Let's see...
Submitted by nifferka on
Thanks for the suggestions!
I think I could put a sticker or tag on ingredients to stop me using them up before they're needed. The kids could help me do that when we're putting the week's shopping away, and since they would find that fun, I'm sure they would remind me to do it every week after that until it became a habit for me. And I could ask my husband to call me at 3 each day to remind me to check that I have everything I need for dinner. He often calls around then, anyway, if he's leaving work early and has time to go to the bazaar.
P.S.--I'm from the states, but my husband and I are charity workers in Central Asia, in one of the poorest countries of the former Soviet Union.
Dinner
Submitted by Pink on
My husband has an ADHD and he doesn't work. I work ful time with 2 kids. The kids went to camp and he called me telling me that we will have a meat dish for dinner at 5 pm. I said fine.
I got home at 4:50 and waiting for the kids to come home from the camp. He come down and said I have to figure out what to do for dinner. I am going back up. I said you told me you were going to make a meat dish. No I didn't say that... when did I said that. what are you talking about.
He left at 5:30 the kids are home... he made a chicken but it was cold the kid didn't like it. I had to come up with another dinner. The house was a mess. He doesn't clean the house doesn't put the dish away in the dishwasher and turn it on. He leave everything for me. I have ask him to come up with a meal dinner and to make sure the kids will like it. He said I can't do that... I don't want to eat the same meal on monday every week.
I just do not understand why he wait until I get home to start the dinner with full of stress and agner.
Keep meals simple. Slice
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
Keep meals simple.
Slice cheese, bread (or crackers) raw veggies and fruit on a platter in the center of the table. Have an additional hot portion of the meal such as pasta, rice, soup, meat served on plates or in bowls.
Make soup and stew in large batches and freeze it in tupperware so you can toss it in a pot and have it ready to serve in half an hour.
Buy dried and canned foods in bulk and store so you don't run out so fast. Including dried fruit and veg.
Make dried food mixes of veggies, rice, pasta, and spices so you can also toss into a pot and make soup or a casserole.
Re: Keep meals simple
Submitted by nifferka on
The nibble platter is a very good idea, as it would buy me time while I get other stuff ready, and I work better when I have company in the kitchen. We always have dried fruit and nuts in the house. (It's part of the culture--people drop by unannounced, and immediately you give them tea and set out a plate of dried fruit, nuts, candy, and crackers, so my husband makes sure we're always prepared. We keep them in clear plastic buckets on a high shelf that I can't reach without a stool, because (1) they look pretty, (2) it's easy to tell when we're running low, and (3) it's too high for me to clutter up.)
I have tried to do the freezing soup thing, but I never seem to make enough, and my husband and daughter will keep on eating until it's gone. They will eat four bowlfuls each of anything but potato soup (after 3 my husband is full) in an hour, while we're waiting for my son to eat 3 spoonfuls. But I did think of a nice way to combine your suggestions about frozen soup and dried mixes. We don't get any dried veggies here, but when anything is in season it's so cheap you can't buy a small amount, so the extra either rots or gets frozen. So I could freeze, say, carrots and pumpkin with enough seasoning for a full pot of jerk pumpkin soup (a favorite, but measuring the spices takes forever), and label it "add two kettle-fulls of hot water and boil, add fusilli and get the table set." Frozen soup concentrate! (No canned soups here...)
Thank you for the ideas!
Toe tapping
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
My nonADD sister and I are trying to have a relationship. The trouble is that she still holds onto a lot of pain and anger from being the organized child in a disorganized family.
The main issue for me is her lack of acceptance that my family is going to operate differently from her family (and also differently from our parents). She has been trying to keep her mouth shut, rather than critique or make suggestions (or just tell us what do to) but it seems instead of doing that, she has started toe tapping, sighing, shaking her head and rolling her eyes.
Case in point: I am going through the usual routine with helping my ADD son to get himself ready to go out. We are on time and not operating stressfully. He comes and asks me where something is and I tell him to check a spot. He comes back and says he can't find it. I tell him to try again and this time have a "big boy" look. He insists its not there, I assure him it is and send him to look again. He gets distracted on the way and has to be redirected.
The whole time she is rolling her eyes, tapping her toes, sighing and just in general making clear she disapproves or is annoyed. Anything ADD-ish drives her up the wall and she makes it very clear even if nonverbally.
Being pregnant and unmedicated (and somewhat sensitive to her disapproval) it makes me want to scratch her eyeballs out (I wouldn't of course), or alternately, lock myself in the bathroom and cry for three hours.
I'd like to ... do something. Explain to her how I am teaching my son to look for himself, even though she hates hearing about ADD? Ask her to leave the room if its bothering her? I don't know.
Similar sort of situation
Submitted by Nemone on
I had a similar sort of situation with my father in law actually, except that he actually made very rude remarks to me about me being a bad parent and that sort of thing. I mean I cried about this stuff because I was so angry. At the time I didn't think I might have ADHD but I've always felt very insecure about how I deal with things and known that I have a problem. The one thing I was trying hard for was my kids and I worked very hard to make sure that I always responded to them in a loving manner and did the things I told them I would do. I still try to always do what's best for them, my responsibilities toward the kids are the ones that I work hardest at. So it made me really angry to be called a bad parent and I might not have dealt with it in the best way, of course neither did he. I basically said that he couldn't come to visit us until he learned how to be polite in other peoples' houses and I really didn't let him come visit for like a whole year. He's realized that he also has problems since then and has started doing some meditation and things like that which allow him to be a bit more relaxed. When I finally let him come to visit again he didn't make a single rude comment even though I think he wanted to. I was very happy with how it went. Of course, I wouldn't recommend that for your sister unless she says horrible things and makes you cry but maybe you could talk with her. If she's showing that kind of disapproval when you're dealing with your children it's not healthy for them either, they might take it as them having done something wrong. I don't think it's healthy for you to hold it in either. If it makes you mad then say so. I know you're trying to rebuild your relationship but part of having a healthy relationship is letting someone know when what they are doing bothers you. If you hold it in you'll just get angrier until you explode and say something you don't want to. Next time if there's a time when your son leaves the room, or if you can make an excuse for him to leave the room, say something to her after he can't hear you anymore.
Isn't the internet great?
Submitted by tornadoscott on
"I" statements
Submitted by nifferka on
You could try the classic "When you... I feel... because" statements. You know, "When you roll your eyes and tap your toes, I feel unaccepted, because I think you disapprove of the way my family operates. And when you don't approve of the way my family operates, I feel angry and sad, because this is the best way we can function right now." Let her know that you appreciate her efforts to keep her criticisms to herself. You might also mention that since you're hormonal and unmedicated, your feelings are hurt easily right now. That doesn't mean that those same behaviors will be fine with you after the baby is weaned and you can go back on meds, but it's a little step.
Of course, she could have just been impatient about going out, and so was frustrated with the possibility (probability) of running late. People who are organized despite having grown up around chaos seem to be more sensitive to disorganization and tardiness than other organized people. Maybe it's because they had to fight for their little corner of tidiness.
Thank you The issue is that
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
Thank you
The issue is that we DO NOT run late, and we are organized. In our own way. We are teaching our children to cope with ADD and to still function effectively. Her issue is anything less than the way she likes things drives her up the wall, especialy anything ADD related. The day I used as an example we were ready to head out the door ten minutes before we needed to, were properly dressed and organized. We just went about achieving that in a non Neuro Typical manner.
I am a little afraid to speak to her about this as I fear a blow up and also because I am not sure exactly what to say. Maybe I will write her an email as I communicate much better in text than in person. But I think she may dismiss it as all she does is roll her eye etc and she doesn't actualy say anything.