Submitted by Jenni on 07/20/2010.
Hi fellow non-ADHDers,
I'm in a long term relationship with someone who is ADHD. We live together and considering marriage, but our relationship has similar problems to the ones I've been reading about on here: his irresponsibility with money and bills, being so consumed with his band that he forgets to do chores (or he's too busy to do his chores every day which results in bugs). I'm a teacher studying to be a counselor so I know about the strengths and weaknesses of an ADHD person, but my patience is starting to fade and I'm tired, depressed, and downright hateful sometimes to him. I'm starting to question whether or not I should marry him. If you guys could turn back time and marry your ADHD spouses again, would you?
Thanks!
Difficult question
Submitted by tarjavj on
My story is one of the non successful ones, so it is up to you how valuable you find my advice. I must say that if I would have known and understood all the trouble and problems most likely I would have not married him. But then, I did not know that my husband was adhd when I married him and he did not show very severe symptoms until the responsibility truly hit, meaning kids and mortgage loan. On the other hand, without him I would not have my wonderful daughters. But all in all as a relationship, it is very hard and consuming and most likely you will be the one considered crazy and difficult as others do not see what is going on at home. My ex is very charming and nobody but me and maybe our daughters will ever understand how our life together really was. All I can say that there are easier paths than this one...
Marrying someone with ADHD
Submitted by inthemiddlemom on
My husband was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 5 years old. By the time I married my husband, I'd been an elementary/middle school teacher for 9 years. I thought I knew what ADHD was in the classroom; I didn't know what it was like to LIVE with someone who has ADHD. I was very organized as a teacher, but living with someone who has ADHD has put my organizational skills into hyperdrive. Both of my children have ADD, I'm 60 pounds heavier due to the stress [I was thin when I married], I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc. and I'm only 40 years old. My mother who raised 5 children, is 100 pounds overweight, and who's 34 years older than me has less health issues. My mother-in-law always comments about "how hard my husband works" but is oblivious to how little her son helps with household tasks, daycare [always my responsibility], arranging schedules, staying on top of our childrens' school assignments, etc. I graduated summa cum laude from college & earned a master's degree in educational administration with high honors, but there's no way I can pursue being a school administrator given the reality of managing our family's ADHD condition. Honestly, if I knew then what I know now, I would never have married. In many ways, I'm a single mom who happens to be married.
Tired of Being Husband's Mom
Submitted by woodrose62 on
I feel like a single Mom also. The difference is that the only child I have is my husband. I can empathize with your comments about weight gain and health issues. One of the hardest things for me is to cope with the exhaustion of living with someone who has abdicated most responsibility for any day to day responsibility for home maintenance, chores, paperwork etc. This is not a 'marriage' in the partnership sense of the word. And where does ADD cross over form inability to focus and do things to lack of effort in trying to find tools to help counteract some of the symptoms? My husband was officially diagnosed 15 years ago and sometimes it feels like the diagnosis has become a license for him to give up and stop trying. And yes, if I knew then I would not have married either......................
He needs to agree that he needs to work on it.
Submitted by sapphyre on
You've asked a very hard question. With marriage, often come children, we wouldn't want to say we wouldn't want our children?
Would I rather be with a nasty abusive man that didn't love me? No. Would I prefer someone who could think about things before they happen? Yes.
The problem marriages seem to be those where one spouse assumes the other is there to take care of them, and refuses discussion, and belittles the partner. If your partner admits his ADHD causes problems and is willing to work with you on them, that's a good sign. If he refuses discussion and therapy or pre-marriage counselling, that's a bad sign.
Hope this helps.
Whether to marry
Submitted by beenthere on
Hi Jenni,
I divorced my ADHD husband after 14 years of marriage (19 years together) and two children. If I had to do it over again, I would have heeded the signs and had the strength to end the relationship before marriage. When you have children, it is easy to say "I can't say I wouldn't have married him, because I have my two great kids." And I DO have my two great kids...the most amazing, fabulous children, who are my pride and joy. And their dad is a really good dad--attentive, responsible, a good provider, and a loving father. However....I am new to this site and so struck by how many wives describe the "parenting" role that the non-ADHD spouse ends up in. Life with an ADHD spouse was hard before children...lost wallets, missed appointments, endless changing of jobs, being oblivious to social cues, unable to handle money, and on and on. But once children entered our lives, it's like he relished the fact that I would now take care of HIM, too. Once you become the parent in a ADHD relationship (by default, trust me!), it completely erodes the "adult connection" you have to your spouse. I managed the house, the bills, the vacations, school decisions, life decisions, not because I wanted to be in charge, but because once you have children, someone needs to be in charge. He wasn't someone I could rely on, or trust, or go to for advice...he just couldn't follow through with anything. He couldn't remember the things that we had agreed to do (or to not do) and so I was often left holding the bag, feeling like an idiot for believing that "this time" he would follow through. I had to be the one who was reliable, responsible, trustworthy...but there was no give and take. Our once good sex life became something I avoided because I no longer felt connected at all. Like many posters on this site, these issues were "private"... other people thought he was a great husband, but that's because I spent every moment struggling to help him keep it together. Yes, I became angry and resentful, which is not my nature at all. I truly became someone I didn't recognize or especially like, while my husband was perfectly happy in our marriage, just the way it was, because I was taking care of life for him. I am now in a fabulous and healthy and happy, adult relationship with a non-ADHD man. I am a completely different person--I am ME again! It is such a relief to be in a partnership with an equal mate--it is a true blessing for me. My ex and I are doing a great job of co-parenting--our divorce has been respectful (he still doesn't understand WHY we are divorced...he dropped out of counseling because he didn't think he had a problem) and our kids are doing well. I don't dislike him, I'm not angry...but I am glad it's over and it's not a path I would recommend to anyone else. Wishing you the best as you discern this very important decision in your life...
a qualified yes
Submitted by arwen on
Jenni, if you had asked me this five years ago, the answer would have been no. But today the answer is qualified yes.
My husband was not diagnosed until 15 years ago, in his early 40's. His ADHD (non-hyperactive) is of the type that abates in puberty and re-emerges in midlife, so when we met and married in his early 20's, he exhibited very few ADHD behaviors. When his ADHD began to re-emerge, I couldn't understand what was going on. We had two young children by then, and I struggled to make things work, primarily for their benefit. Once he was diagnosed, he began taking meds and going to counseling (and we did some joint counseling as well), and these things helped significantly. Unfortunately, we didn't know he also has Seasonal Affective Disorder, which was also worsening as he aged, and which impacted on his ADHD. We got onto a seasonal see-saw, and even though we finally figured the problem out, we were having trouble dealing with it. Finally five years ago, I just couldn't deal with it anymore and we were separated. But we both cared about each other a lot and wanted to make things work if we could, so we tried again. His counselor offered some helpful new ideas, and with a lot of hard work we were able to not just salvage our marriage, but it's now better than it was 20 years ago. (But it required a huge amount of work on *both* our parts -- we *both* had to be willing to make significant changes in our behaviors and attitudes.)
I also want to say that I have never met anyone else who I felt I would be happier be married to than my husband. Although we are very different in many ways, we value the same things and are on the same "wavelength" about what really matters in life. The most important thing to me about my husband is his sense of humor -- I've often joked (but it's really true, too) that the key reason I married him is that he was the only man I ever met who fit in to my nutty family and understood our humor. I might have been less stressed with another man, but I doubt I would have had as much happiness, either.
But, what I think is critical to say to you about all this is that I would have married my husband if I'd known how to deal with his ADHD the way I do now, only if *he* knew how to deal with his ADHD the way *he* does now. If I'd had my knowledge and he hadn't had his, it would NOT have worked any better. I certainly wouldn't be willing to repeat the 15 years of misery (5 before his diagnosis, 10 after) that we went through in order to get where we are now. That misery is NOT offset, or justified, or even mitigated, by the happiness we have now. On the other hand, I'm not sure that all of what we know now could have been learned from reading and listening to others as opposed to direct experience -- it may be that a certain small of amount of misery is unavoidable -- but I certainly would have been willing to accept a small amount of misery in order to marry my ADHD spouse.
From my experience, I would say that if your patience is fading and you are "tired, depressed, and downright hateful sometimes", you do not have your hands around this problem enough to have any clear idea whether marriage to this man could be miserable or happy -- or your partner is not ready to make the changes necessary. My suggestion is to take your time, see a counselor together (one who is *experienced* in dealing with ADHD couples, if at all possible, even if that means driving an hour or two to find one), and read as much as you can on this site to learn from the accumulated experiences. Good luck!
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
The answers vary as much as people do.
Submitted by wagnerism on
Every answer you get will have bias. Only you can make that decision for yourself.
Marriage is a pact you make with one person. Breaking that pact affects adults. You only have years of your life to lose when you take the risk. Having kids brings both the challenges and consequences to an amazingly new level.
I did not have the privilege of knowing ADHD was in our future before we married and had children. I'm contemplating divorce, so I would not do it again.
There are no guarantees and you have not made any commitments yet. Make your agreement to marry depend on both of you successfully living with his ADHD for a significant period of time. It takes two to be successful.
To get married without trying beforehand would be foolish because you already are impatient/tired/depressed/hateful. I guarantee you that it will get much worse if not addressed. If you successfully address it, you at least know that you two are capable if/when you hit problems later down the road. I couldn't go into that without testing it first.
Absolutely would marry him again
Submitted by Aspen on
today or in fact any day during our entire battle with ADD. One thing I want to make clear though is I am dealing with a husband who has inattentive ADD. He does NOT have hyperactivity with it, so therefore his impulsiveness is pretty much entirely of the spending variety and we've gotten that under control together. And while his finances were not cared for correctly, he was debt free (something I insisted on for both of us) and once we got together, he's been irresponsible, but never overdrawn an account or anything. And he's been willing to learn about proper care of finances and to come to an agreement together on our financial goals--a very important thing in marriage in my opinion.
You mentioned your fiance has ADHD which if he does have the *H* factor, I'd think VERY carefully about it as those seem to be the people who struggle the most and who seem to have the mates who are the angriest & most frustrated.
We were married about 4 years when we had a year of fighting and frustration and anger with each other that I believe now was caused by ADD baggage on both of our parts. I was hurt and resentful that he wasn't treating me the same as in our early days of marriage, that he hyperfocused on things like computer games and seemed to lack a true sense of priority, and that he was TERRIBLE at doing the chores he'd agreed to do at home. He was angry and hurt that this woman who'd been starry eyed with love for him for years now seemed unaccepting and pointed out failures and seldom celebrated the successes.
My husband is not severely ADD, but not understanding what it was and it being untreated was wreaking havoc with our satisfaction with each other, and as I took on more and more of a parental role, our intimate life really suffered. In hindsight it is easy to understand who all this happened, but at the time we were just at a loss as to why "working harder" and "getting angrier" didn't seem to be fixing the problem and it seemed to be worsening. He took the initiative to figure out what was wrong with him as he was sure something was, he went and got a diagnosis, and we both researched ADD heavily...........and then he seemed to do next to nothing other than take meds.
This started the anger cycle again where we had mostly been starting with a clean slate, but after his "mourning period" and after he got in with a good coach, it has been mostly forward progress. It stalls at times or seems to go REALLLY slow at times, but it eventually picks back up again.
I think the key is both of you realizing that getting the symptoms under control matters, that you are both committed to working on it, and that there is a ton of love and respect for the partner as you go through this. I get loud when I get mad and he HATES an even slightly raised voice. I've learned to try to moderate my tone and he has learned that when I don't, he can let it go. He is FORGETFUL with a capital FORGETFUL.....seriously......and his sense of priority will likely always be a work in progress. Pointing things out bluntly only caused fights. Now we find a way to talk about it when we can talk about it calmly and empathize with each other. It makes me mad to hear about what he "intended" considering it did not get done, but I've learned to let that go and he insists on showing himself in the best possible light. And I've learned that it is GOOD that he intended to do what was asked......how awful would it be if he screwed it up on purpose??......and since I want him to look at me in the best possible light too, esp when I screw up, I try to give him the same courtesy.
I don't know anyone in my life more forgiving than my ADD partner. Maybe it is because he has to be forgiven for a lot, but who cares since he at least gives it back! I was supposed to meet him once at my brother's and I forgot that he wasn't going to have a way to get inside, so I got distracted chatting with friends and met him late. I realized I was running late, but I figured it didn't really matter, but I didn't realize HOW late I was running. Turns out he had to wait in his truck for me, in the middle of summer, for AN HOUR AND A HALF!!!! When I realized he was outside, my words were stumbling all over eachother trying to convey that I was sorry, and explain what happened, and that I didn't realize he wasn't inside visiting with my brother. I was almost crying I was so upset, and you know what this man did? He sat up on his truck seat (where he'd taken the opportunity to take a little nap) and said "relax honey, it is no big deal. I'm glad you had such a good time with your friends." ?????? I couldn't believe it, and I was ashamed to admit even to myself that if the positions were reversed I would have made it all about how little consideration he was showing for my time, needs and comfort. A LOT about forgiving can be learned from someone with ADD in my opinion.
Hope you make the best decision for you and for your relationship.
question
Submitted by beenthere on
Aspen,
Do you mind me asking if you have children? I understand if that's too personal a question. Your story (and husband!) reminds me so much of mine...and things were okay before children. I think a lot of people on this site realize that coping with a husband with ADD is more manageable without children in the mix.
No I do not mind the question at all
Submitted by Aspen on
and we have chosen not to have children. While our decision was made long before the ADD diagnosis was made & for diffeent reasons, knowing what I know now about the mental health issues in my husband's family (he has a bi polar parent and sister, several members being treated for anxiety, and rampant AD/HD) we'd likely make the same choice strictly on the basis of health risks alone.
I know that is not a necessarily popular decision, but none of these issues are ones I want any chance of passing along to a child. With that said, and agreeing fully that symptoms are much more manageable before children arrive into the mix, I am not terribly concerned about what would happen if I were to accidentally get pregnant. We have our nieces and nephews a LOT. My husband absolutely loves children and can relate to them so much more on their level than I have ever been able to do, and I love children and consider myself to be pretty good with them.
I know we'd have some new challenges, but since we have the diangosis, the willingness to work on the issue, and a decent (and improving regularly lately) cocktail of meds/coaching/communication in our lives, I would not be unduly concerned about the type of parent or parenting partner my husband would make. Our kids would definitely have a blast, and I suspect some of our other activities involving our volunteer work and our travelling would be curtailed enough that maybe taking on the extra work/cleaning burden without a tremendous amount of help would be doable.
I would have to say no
Submitted by Clarity on
My husband was diagnosed probably after 23 years or so of marriage and two kids. I have health issues due to the stress as well. Daily I am reminded that my life is nothing that I thought it would be. My kids are grown and have recently told me that they only known me to be a sad and frustrated or angry mom. They really don't understand the workings of ADD and along with others give me the feeling that I am to blame for not making things right. My husband will take medication but not counsel so it seems my reality is distorted somehow. He insists that he's fine and if I have a problem it's all mine. I'm misunderstood, exhausted and completely broke. I'm feeling trapped and at 50 now, I'm running out of options. I can only wonder what normal problems might be like with someone who is actually able to understand how to communicate and build a future with me. It's much harder than I expected especially now that I'm older and more tired. It might be better if he was willing to work on it but... sorry, I'm sure it's a tough decision.
No easy answer
Submitted by LizMarie on
The way I am feeling right now, my answer would be, no, I would not marry him. But that is not lightly said, because if I never married him I wouldn’t be blessed with my wonderful children. And it hasn’t always been bad…I think of all the wacky stories and situations (because of his ADHD) that we’ve shared. And who doesn’t sometimes love wild impulsivity? But it has deteriorated to the point where the bad far outweighs the good. And the thing I MOST regret is subjecting our children to the chaos of an ADD father and the anger of a non-ADD mother. Like you, Clarity, I am 50, exhausted, feel trapped, and feel like I’m running out of options. I can’t fix him, I can only fix myself.