new. hi!
I've been skimming over the threads. noticed that most assist the non-ADDer spouse with their anger issues and "dealing" with us ADDers.
Do you have any suggestions on how us ADDers can deal with the anger and resentment that we have after years of not receiving the support we truly needed from our significant others?
**background**
Been with SO for close to 9 years. The beginning of our relationship, when confronted with an "issue" that was presented to SO out of left field was met with anger, frustration and venomous insults. Issue after issue, anger-frustration-insults.... would appear. Belittling. Put downs. Impatience. Piling and piling. Year after year the same cycle. On the brink of divorce numerous amounts of times.
SO would bring up what needed to change in "order to calm the beast" in them. Without meds I sought ways of "changing" and/or improving my life. Battling with the 'demons' and distractions in my head to perceiver and swim, not sink. I refused to allow SO to make me feel small and worthless. However, no matter how hard I tried SO never seemed satisfied. And I lost the will, the drive to be the positive person I was so well known for being. I was slumping myself into a deep depression and saw now way out of it.
Then, Kid A was born. I felt so alive for the first time in a VERY long time. And yet more frustration, anger and what I now would call, torment followed. My end wasn't being met. I felt as though my every move was being watched. I felt as though I was being punished for being so happy around Kid A.... and not reciprocating that unconditional love for SO (but I usually thought to myself... how can you love someone that makes you feel so incapable of great things?). I was failing to be a "detailed" parent. Failing at seeing SO's point about certain things, such as hygiene and basic cares and necessities for Kid A and for myself. Failing at being a 'perfect partner'.
I would mess up financially. BIG mistake, for two reasons... 1) I made the 'mess', but 2) I wouldn't tell SO for fear of the reaction and when my mistake was revealed it was doubly worse.... b/c SO felt that if I'd just been informative the problem may have been fixed before it had gotten so huge.
Over the years to come we battled. Over the smallest things. and some pretty major things, and yet we'd constantly ask each other "why are you still here?". It all boiled down to the love we once had when we first met. And how we each held onto that love in our own way.
Kid B born a few years later.... and this time around I was ready! I made sure to be prepared for the kids. Made myself schedules, totally focused on getting the kids the attention and the time, food, and rest they needed. But then.... I became so hyper-focused on them and me not screwing this up, that SO felt left out. And my communication began to wilt, petal by petal... like a rose that had not been watered for weeks.
On the brink of madness (and after more 'abusive' outbursts toward one another), I sought counseling for the two of us. Marriage counseling. Fun!
We learned personality wise we're opposites. We learned that I was not comfortable opening up to SO at all! And we learned that I needed to get on medication for my ADD.
The first day was like heaven. I felt a ray of sunshine beaming down on me from above. Someone must have shined that light on me at least 75% of that day, b/c I was elated and felt like I used to feel.... that I concur the world! "Bring it on!" I thought to myself. And then the anxiety set in. The expectations that SO would have since I had new found 'clarity'.
**background ends**
I am now a proud, organized, independent, confident, and fully-functioning adult. I've managed to find ways to make my life easier. Managed to get my kids organized and under routines. My house... oh let me just say... it feels good to know that if someone can't find anything they come and ask me and I know just where it is. I always wanted to be that parent.
And yet even though I feel completely successful with my daily life, my marriage has been swept under the rug. It's been on the back burner. Too long. And SO's anger is RAGE. And my reactions are completely defensive and venomous. We are NOT proud of what we have done with one another in that we have chosen to be this way toward each other.
I've been battling in my head all the anger that SO had toward me over the years. All the circumstances that caused the rage, anger and frustration. The many times I shouted or thought "I HATE YOU".... the many times I just wanted to be free to be myself.
I want to forgive SO. I have, over these past few months, learned to forgive myself. And I want to forgive my spouse for all the mean, hurtful things that were said. For all the ways that SO made me feel small and under appreciated. But when I meditate and try to bring the love into my heart.... I am still so full of anger toward them. How do I get rid of all of that anger I have toward that person, after they have forgiven me for so much I've done to them?
Your thoughts? Suggestions? Questions?
"Fact of the matter is, folks, everything is a non-issue until someone decides otherwise. And that means you can now chill" ~the universe
well...
Submitted by tornadoscott on
First congratulations on the organization and taking control.
I've thought a lot about forgiveness and I can walk into Barnes & Noble tomorrow and find 10 books with 10 different perspectives on how deal with anger and resentment and what the best way might be to seek or offer forgiveness. I've come to the conclusion that I can and will forgive but only after I understand why something happened and feel that the person truly regrets what happened and genuinely wants my forgiveness. I'm sure many people have heard of Dr. Randy Pausch. He was the college professor that had pancreatic cancer and gave "The Last Lecture". I wonder how I would see the world if I knew my time in it was running out. Would I hold onto anger and frustration or would I let it go? More importantly would I dwell on the past knowing that I was wasting some of the precious time I had left? People do some incredibly hurtful and terrible things, but in the end, if the goal is to love one's partner and live a happy life with them I think I would owe it to myself and to my partner to find a way to forgive. I often ask myself... "Scott, if you found out tomorrow that she was dying would that anger be as important tomorrow as it seems to be today?". My answer is always no.
Any other thoughts?
simple....
Submitted by dori on
yet profound.
"I wonder how I would see the world if I knew my time in it was running out. Would I hold onto anger and frustration or would I let it go?"
i wouldn't hold onto that anger either.
we are not living under the same roof right now. i've had a lot of time to reflect and do a whole bunch of intrapersonal contemplation. and the thingd that i'm saddened by through this whole thing, scott.... are that i'm happy and at peace when he's not in the house. and sad that i can't bring myself to allow him the chance to come and be included in that happiness; to show me that he is truly remorseful and willing himself, to let things go.
Anger
Submitted by AVC on
I'm nearly 47, married 7 years, one 4 year old boy and was diagnosed with ADHD about 3 years ago. I recently started on Vyvanse in April of this year. I've continued to see a mental health professional every week for about two months now. I had been on other meds for this previously but the prescription would always run out and I'd have to make another appointment to get a new prescription. I also take a prescription for depression but I don't recall the med name at this moment.
My wife took our son and moved into her parents house 4 months ago calling it 'separation'. She planned it all out ahead of time, the only one shocked by it was me. She gave me a separation agreement where she wants sole custody which I feel that I can't sign and give up my rights as my son's father. She has a lawyer and I can't afford a retainer for one. My wife in conversations over the past year - plus, has said that she is "so angry" with me over all of the issues, which I think comes down to mostly money and financial issues. I have acknowledged her anger but I've often asked her when does anger just become 'a grudge' ? It she seems she'd rather hold onto her anger to (seemingly) validate what has happened to us now. I have asked for forgiveness from her. I have apologized and accepted responsibility for what has brought us to this point.
She took some kind of mood prescription medication starting last August and she went to see a therapist for three sessions (she said) through her employee assistance program, but it "just wasn't for her". She has not gone to any couples/family/marriage counseling even though I have asked her to several times. I still feel that I love her (for some reason), I am still attracted to her, . . . I still feel/know that she is a good person. I don't understand how she can do what she has done. I have acknowledged my issues and problems and am trying to work them through but she just doesn't 'see' it. She has now said that there won't be any reconciliation for us and that she 'knows' I'm never going to "change". I feel like what is the point of therapy and medication if I am not going to be together with my family. My daily life was normal, MY normal, up until just a few years ago when all of this started with my wife, a teacher, diagnosing and suggesting that I start therapy and medication.
Everyone "around us" - friends, neighbors, relatives have just seemed so accepting of our situation as like: well that's just the way it is for them (meaning me, my wife and son) now. I want/wish someone to STAND UP for US, as a family, and to encourage US to work to find a solution instead of staying on the path that we are surely on now.
Does anyone have any ideas for me, for us? Any comment on what I've written?
Well...
Submitted by tornadoscott on
Trying to figure out whether or not there is something salvageable left in a relationship is a very difficult undertaking. I've asked myself that question many, many times. I'd definitely consider rethinking my relationship with my ex because I think that a wonderful relationship existed under the surface and never really got a chance to flourish. From the partner's perspective they have to assume that they will be entering into the same situation that they had been in before. So how do you convince or convey that the direction of the relationship is going to be different?
I think that the best approach is to really take advantage of the time apart to nail down the issues that exist in yourself and understand what those issues brought into the relationship. I guess when you are able to truly understand everything that has happened and have undertaken the tough climb of addressing those issues it will offer some of the signs that show the potential for a different relationship.
My ex always told me that "Actions speak louder than words...". I offered plenty of words throughout our relationship and not so many action, which is why I'm in the position that I'm in. I have no idea if we could ever reconnect but I'm certain that she would have to see some very positive actions first.
The Last Lecture
Submitted by AVC on
tornadoscott, thanks for your reply just moments ago. I went to you-tube after I finished my posting. I watched The Last Lecture for the first time even though I've been aware of its existence since it has been around. I stopped and started it as I made and ate my lunch. I finished it and went to check e-mail and had notice of your reply above. Parts of it really hit home with me and I'd like to share it with my wife because I don't think that she has seen it either, although I think that she, like me, is aware of it from news reports and other people referring to it, but has never seen it. I am afraid though that she would view it with a jaundiced vision and not get anything from it, or not want to gain any insight from it.
My wife has used the exact same phrasing to me of "Actions speak louder than words...". Where do they get this indoctrination that seems universal? Like you said also about rethinking the relationship with your ex, they have to assume that they will be entering into the same situation that they had been in before. That is exactly the same thing that I have heard but I believe that nothing would be the same if she would just 'look'. She has said that I'm not the same person she married and that she has felt that she is not the same person that she was either. I agree with that 100%, neither one of us is the same after the past three years of this hellish descent. So let us both 'pull up on the controls' and try to level off and look for a safe place to land and refuel. How is that for an analogy?
this is posted all over my house....
Submitted by dori on
Those times you grow frustrated, impatient and angry with the negativity of someone in your life.
Ask yourself….
How does this person treat you when you are in the same funk?
Is that person patient with you?
Is that person there for you?
Does that person pick you up with their kind words?
Or does that person treat you with frustration, anger and impatience?
Be mindful of those around you.
Remember how they’ve treated you, be patient and reciprocate the positive lift!!
If they treat you with negativity….
Be the change you want to see,
by being patient and give that person a positive lift!
change your focus. don't focus on the fact that you are not together. regardless of what happens, you have to remain positive throughout it all. i agree with what scott said. take this time to reflect on yourself and your contribution to the relationship and others around as a whole. my SO has asked me before, "why is it that you can treat others so nice be respectful, like at work, but you can't bring that home to me?"
and although i can't empathize with your situation, i can sympathize in many ways.
we have nothing but full support from friends and family. my folks have been supportive in allowing me the time i need to work through this on our own. although at times my mom's reaction to what SO has done (verbal abuse, raging outburts, breaking things, being 'less of a man' than they thought he was....) is that she thinks people don't change.
so on that note... it was my SO who once told me that your views on life are influenced by your upbringing. my husband comes from a family of people who avoid each other when a problem arises within the 'clan'. conflict avoidance to the 'nth' degree. but they are cordial and civil toward each other (which is why i could not ever understand his reactions toward me). and i also come from a very large family who avoids conflict, but we hold it all in, say 'everything is fine' and wind up lashing out at one another later.
one of the things that i had to focus on was the my reaction, when presented with something that i had done (over and over) and the individual was presenting me with their feelings. i was very much inclined to make it about me. get defensive. and not ever validate their feelings. as well as, not ever coming back to truly apologize and make it up.
start their. think about the interactions that you have throughout the day. think about how you treat those you feel are supportive and how you treat the ones who 'are not'.
i sometimes ask myself... if my life were a reality T.V. show would i still be watching, or would i have moved onto something else?
i know it's a silly thing to ask, but it reminds me that i have a 'legacy' of sorts to leave when i depart the earth... and i want mine to leave a feeling of joy.
you may want to tell her that you would like the opportunity to see your son on any scheduled day she chooses (AND MEAN IT, DON'T FLAKE). and that you feel as though you are going through life lessons that you will one day want to share with him. BUT that you cannot agree to him being completely out of your life. oh and when you have that conversation with her.... stay calm, be aware of her feelings and yours... and if she starts to get angry, heated or hurtful... tell her "i have called to calmly come up with a compromised solution with regards to both of us enjoying time with our boy. would it be better if i let you go and you call me back to continue this when you are a bit more prepared?".
don't continue the conversation if either one of you are bringing any type of anger, or frustration into it. good luck!
AVC to dori
Submitted by AVC on
We are set up on a schedule with my son, two evenings and one weekend day with options for holidays and special occasions. It would never be where he is completely out of my life, she hasn't said that, quite the opposite, thankfully, but I believe she does not want to have to share in making any decisions regarding him. I feel it is very much a 'control' issue for her. If she has complete control over our son then she can hold that over me as well. With them being at her parents house, four months now, I went from being able to see my son virtually anytime, without limit, to now six to ten hours a week!, sometimes slightly more. I certainly have feelings of betrayal from her family of; Of course they'll take her side, she IS their daughter and sister but I'm part of that family too! No one talks to me about our situation, as if there is a gag order. If they wanted to help with a discussion, an airing of ideas or anything, it seems they're not allowed to. Or...they really just don't care and I can't tell the difference. Maybe they're glad this is happening like: FINALLY! She has come to her senses. Is their silence approval?
Dori, we've had the conversation several times about the child custody issue as detailed in the proposed separation agreement and she says that that is one thing that she won't budge on. How do you 'negotiate' that? Because I feel the same way. I will not willingly give up on the issue of custody. She has the lawyer, not me. She has her parents money behind her, not me. She has the family and friends support system, not me. She has our son, not me. I'm sure that every day "under the same roof" with her somehow counts against me. The people that I've spoken to about it can't believe it when they hear it and across the board say that sole custody for her is without basis, unfounded, unreasonable.
Thank you.
meh....
Submitted by dori on
dude, neither one of our families has ever heard OUR perspective on the situations at hand. and to be honest, they shouldn't. it's your marriage, it's your life and it's how you handle it that matters.
it's obvious that her family has a lot of influence over her, and ya know what? so be it. you can't change that, so DON'T FOCUS ON THAT.
focus on being positive. focus on taking control of YOUR life. the only one who has control over you is, YOU!
i once saw this movie called "the answer man". very abrupt ending, i thought... *total side track there* but all-in-all it had a great message. basically there's this guy who wrote this really empowering book called "Me and God". it was able to give readers the answers to questions that we all ask ourselves and also help give people a sense of hope and 'direction'. over the course of the movie, you come to find that this author was unable to find peace within his heart and find the answers he was seeking. he is meshed into the life of a man who was an alcohol abuser. inevitably the guy finds out he's the author of that book and works up an agreement to ask a question, in exchange for getting rid of books. and this is one exchange that truly 'hit home':
"Question: Why can't I do the things I want to do? There's so much I know I'm capable of that I never actually do. Why is that?
Answer: The trick is to realize that you're always doing what you want to do... always. Nobody's making you do anything. Once you get that, you see that you're free and that life is really just a series of choices. Nothing happens to you. You choose." ~the answer man (movie, 2009)
she may think that she has control of things, but that's her thing. that's an issue SHE has. unfortunately you can't change that. because you don't have control of how she thinks, and how she perceives things. one of the most difficult things that i've had to learn for myself is that i can't let the things i don't have control of bother, frustrate or antagonize me. i just need to have faith that some day, things will work out for the better and hold onto to that pleasant thought. positivity!! it works.
now, from this point forward the only thing that you should truly be focused on is you. work on you.
when you are with your son, live in that moment... relish and take in all you can. create those positive memories in his and your head. don't let her doubt in you, control how he perceives his dad. be pleasant when picking him up, be pleasant when dropping him off. you know that saying "don't let 'em see you sweat"? that applies here. don't talk to HER about how you are feeling. that is what the therapist if for. the only things you need to talk to her about right now are what times you need to be there for your son, and where to meet to pick him up.
you both need that space.
and place yourself in her shoes. i had to completely tell my mother that i couldn't tell her anything. and even when she would give me 'advice' i had to find out for myself what was good for ME! she needs to find that for herself. she has stuff to work on to. and by the sound of it, she's in as much of a state of denial at you are.
occupy your time with things. go on meetup.com and find groups to join that do things you are interested in. FIND YOURSELF again. find that strong, independent, confident person you know is in there!!!
find support groups on the ADHD association website. they have support groups for that. find support groups for seperation/divorce. those people may be able to give you insight that you can't see right now.
so...
1) FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE
2) FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE
3) FIND OUT WHAT YOU HAVE GIVEN TO THE SITUATION AND OWN IT!
4) FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE
5) FORGIVE YOURSELF
6) FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE
7) FORGIVE HER
8) FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE
9) FIND YOURSELF
10) FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE
i leave with this... every morning, either when you wake up, or as you open your front door to go out into the world... ask yourself:
"what does a thriving me look like?"
and go be that thriving person!
(((hugs!!)))
lightbulb over my head...
Submitted by AVC on
I just realized that I've been talking to a fish with the voice of Ellen Degenes. (sp?) How long before they measure me for that jacket with all of the straps?
>>GRIN!<<
:P
Submitted by dori on
"When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do? Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim."
hee hee
oh and scott....
Submitted by dori on
your words have truly helped my SO and I. for the first time in a while. we're flirting again. *insert big kool-aid smile here*
=)
Submitted by tornadoscott on
<3
Submitted by dori on
because in the end, material possessions don't matter. it's the people in your life, the things you can't buy and the memories you are so fond of, that do!
"and in the end, the love you get is equal to the love you make"~the beatles
i think i was stuck on trying to get SO to 'get that'. and in that same breath, trying to remind myself of that very same notion.
kudos, scott!
what is forgiveness
Submitted by brendab on
I've come to the conclusion that I can and will forgive but only after I understand why something happened and feel that the person truly regrets what happened and genuinely wants my forgiveness
tornadoscott,
I think most people would agree with this statement but could I ask you to think about forgiveness in a different way? First, unforgiveness is a huge burden to carry in your heart. It harms you far more than the transgressor.
If the transgressor does nothing and you never understand why it happened, you will continue to carry very damaging emotional baggage. It causes all kinds of physical, mental and emotional pain to YOU. So you have suffered the injustice from the other person and you continue to suffer because you think that holding the unforgiveness is somehow hurting them when they probably aren't affected at all.
When you forgive, you do it for yourself, not for the other person. You voluntarily, unconditionally release the hurt and pain from your heart and mind. When you forgive, you are not saying that what they did was okay. You are not saying it is okay if they do it again. You are not saying that you unconditionally accept their behavior back into your life.
What you are saying is that I am releasing my pain, and I will create boundaries to protect myself from further pain, but I refuse to suffer anymore from holding on to the injustice. I choose to be free from the mental, physical and emotional burden of carrying this pain. I do not want to wait for understanding, your regret or need for forgiveness. those things may come, but while you watch for change you are not suffering every day from holding the pain.
You can release the pain without hearing that they regret it or that they want your forgiveness. You can release it without even telling them. You will notice a perceptible change in your physical body and you will be empowered to create boundaries so you avoid future pain.
Holding onto these awful memories and devastating consequences of someone else's thoughtlessness is not worth what it is costing you. I went through a process of writing down every transgression I could remember and then grieving the list. Once I grieved I decided to release it by saying outloud I forgive you for...... until I could really feel a difference in my muscle tension. Forgiveness is a choice but it is hard. Consider working through some mental exercises of placing your hurt on an object and releasing it. I put mine on a mental helium balloon and let it rise into the air until it disappeared.
I felt so free to move on and not suffer anymore from the other person's behavior. I cannot express to you what this did for me. It was amazing and I had over 30 years of pain.
brenda
I can't forgive when I stil face consequences
Submitted by Sueann on
I still get collection calls every day. We can't pay those bills; they are the consequence of 3 years where he did not work because of his ADD (and I did).
I still can't have medical procedures I need because his current insurance has too high of a deductible. The insurance from the first job he lost because of his ADD would have totally covered them.
So how do I stop grieving those losses and feeling he is responsible? He refuses to get a second job to pay those bills or the deductibles from this crappy insurance from his current job. He's not home during the day being harassed but I am. ( I am a full-time student.) He got everything he needed medically before he gave in to his ADD impulses and lost his job, but I didn't get that chance.
I need him to make amends and fix the damage he did-the legal concept of making the victim whole. But he refuses to do it. How can I forgive him for the damage he did to my life when I still suffer the physical consequences every day?