I was married to a person I cared deeply about and was in love with for many years. My marriage has now ended and I believe our problems for the most part were due to a lack of effort in getting help for my ADHD and depression. I never realized how this could affect a marriage until recently. I had a self-diagnosis yet never followed up with it. I have had some depression problems that I have been working on as well. Recently after formally testing off the charts with a psychiatrist did I realize how the deterioration was due in large part to the ADHD. I am grateful to know that the gray clouds for decades have been figured out. I am on medications and through self-help exercises, therapy, and meds everything makes sense and I now "get it". I am sad that I miss the one person I truly care about and the misery I put her through for years. I wish something could be done but forgiving and forgetting are two different issues. The divorce is final and she feels the scars will never heal. I want no one else. We are very amicable and children are involved. We see and talk everyday. I did not fight anything through the proceedings since I left her as I figured it to be less hard on the kids if there wasn't a long drawn out battle. I do not want to be back with her "for the kids". I just love her so much. Everyday life has now come down to a speed that I can manage if I was with her after realizing the many wrongs I did and the mental aspect of life is now clear. She is still in my heart through all of it. I hope somebody has advice on what to do. My love for her if anything has grown stronger. Thanks.
I want to give you a hug
Submitted by banaany on
This must be very painful to you. You are losing the love of your life. Do you think that there is a possibily that she will come back to you if you show her things have changed and that you have been getting help? If not, I think it is best to try and let her go and accept the way things are, even though it's very painful and not an easy process. It sounds like she has already decided that the scars you two have never will be healed. You could always try to get her back by achieving self perspective and showing that to her, but you have to keep in your mind that changes are that she will not come back to you.
Things will get better for you in one way or another.
Greetings and sympathy from Holland
You can get started
Submitted by shore on
I'm not trained so just two cents from someone else who can understand some of what you've been through ...
You can start on the process of forgiveness and reconciliation right now, and much of it you can do whether she is on board or not. Forgive yourself as much as you can. Recognize that you didn't choose to have ADD, and that you are lucky you know what you do know about it. We all have things we wish we had done differently, though for you of course the consequences are great. But all you can do is the best you can do, moving forward. And the fact that there are children involved means you have big reasons to do that.
And forgive her. Recognize that she didn't really choose to be angry or bitter or resentful, most people react that way in this situation - that it is all understandable given what she has been through. And how little seems to be known about adult ADHD. As you can see here, none of the ADHD partners here are claiming to be saints or especially proud of what we have done, either.
But you have to be honest and realistic and start the process assuming that you are not going to get back together. You still have a lot to learn and honestly something to prove, that you are committed to managing your self, in a way you were not in the past. In your own mind, don't set getting back together as a couple as a condition to your continuing to sort your own life out. Go forward on the assumption that it will not happen, but you still need to do what you now know you need to do, regardless of what happens with her.
that is so hard. I've lost
Submitted by de-fragmenting on
that is so hard.
I've lost great loves a few times. the only way out was through. I know this is trite, but it just took time for me to work through the grief. I'm sure it will be doubly hard because you will continue to see her.
there are many divorce support groups. perhaps you could check them out and see if they will help.
hope for oneself
Submitted by billie on
I am not the best person to give advice either but as I am married to someone who has ADD, and who is not getting treated (as of yet) who from whom I constantly get hurt, I can understand why your wife says that she feels that the scars will never heal.
But on the other hand I also understand your pain and the emotions you go through as I see them very clearly in my husband's. I know he loves me dearly and is trying the best he can, its just that most of the time, its just not good enough and it just hurts me and our relationship tremendously.
I do truly believe that the first things you must take care of, is yourself.
now that you finally understand, that you finally 'get it', chances are that there are a lot of guilt, and hurt, as understanding is setting in and as you finally understand the level of pain and hurt she went through. Forgive yourself and continue taking care of yourself, emotionally and physically.
second, support her and her new needs, as best as you can. let her do her own healing. She too must heal, you can give her support or make sure she has the proper support she needs, but I think she might also need space as much as possible to let the pain slowly heal.
As you continue taking care of yourself, and she does her own healing, the two of you might be able to establish a new relationship. I cant guarantee you that it will evolve in the relationship you want to re establish however in many ways, it might become a better relationship that the two of you ever had. A relationship where you will be there for her and care for her in a way she needs and she never got from you before, either as a friend or as a spouse.
But please remember that you must take care of yourself, for yourself. She might never get back into your life the way you wish, and you must accept that as a fact first.
Believing in God, helps me to know that all that happens and will happen in life is what is best for me. I hope you can rely on something similar to give you faith and strenght on your new path.
Oh, my goodness, I'm in
Submitted by clover1 on
Oh, my goodness, I'm in tears. It's never too late to confess, accept responsibility, and ask for forgiveness. My husband and I filed for divorce (I kicked him out because I couldn't handle his ADHD any longer). I still loved him and we were in the process of sending our daughter to college as a Freshman, so we had to be together for Open House, Move In Day, etc. To make a long story short, I told him that I changed the divorce filing to legal separation and would not file for divorce because I was not breaking my wedding vows like he did (adultery). He was hopeful and I set up certain terms that he needed to agree to do in order for us to even try to get better. You need to tell her how you feel. Humility can do wonders for your soul and her forgiving heart. It took about three months for him to set up his life with counselors, therapists and meds; he moved back in on a temporary basis, and he and I have traveled to where we needed to be in order to be together; he moved back in permanently after Christmas. We both needed to work on changing the way we communicated, treated the other, and patience. We brought God into our lives more, and He was our saving Grace. We work on us every day and tell each other when we feel the other is not doing something correctly. It takes both to make it work. Please don't give up!!! I believe there is always hope!