I have an impossible time wading through long posts, so I will try to keep this short, as if I had to read it instead of having written it!

I am adhd, diagnosed around 5 years ago, with non-adhd spouse, in 20+ year relationship, personal counseling for most of the last 5 years, couples counseling for 2 or 3 years [time spans are vague for me; time is only a concept] :-).

So many of the posts on this forum about stressed relationships seem to be posted by non-adhd partners who are questioning a marriage or relationship. I am an example of the other side, questioning my marriage.

Over time I have been able to see myself more and more clearly, mostly in terms of my positive attributes (I was quite aware of "bad" qualities, but had no idea, until diagnosed, that much of it was adhd related behavior, and not personal failure). I have also begun to see my wife more clearly, and the dynamics of our relationship.

I am beginning to feel that, although my wife and I are both fine human beings who love each other, our goals, preferences, life-style inclinations, may not be compatible. The glue that held the relationship together may end up having been composed, to an untenable degree, of a set of negative co-dependencies.

So much of what I have read about relationships, from so many sources, focuses, naturally, on making relationships work. But what if that is, possibly, not the best outcome for a couple? What discussion might "the experts" or others have from the point of view of the healthiest outcome for a couple being dissolution or divorce?

I ask the question because with so much attention and focus on how to work through negative adhd related patterns, and save relationships, it makes it very very difficult to see ending a relationship as a healthy outcome when in fact it might be. As someone emerging from a cloud of self-doubt and perception of failure (despite being an objectively successful person), the idea of divorce looms as the mother of all failures for me.