Okay, I'm going to say what a lot of these posts say: I'm new here. I apologize if there is already a forum on here in this category on this topic:
In my family, I really am done being angry with my partner with ADHD, once I realized what was happening it was much easier for me to be empathetic. The problem with us is HIS anger. My husband is the most happy-go-lucky guy anyone could ever meet. He's kind and caring and funny and handsome. But... catch him in the wrong "space" and ask for something? Watch out. He gets so angry. NOT unsafe-crazy-person-maybe-he'll-hit-me angry. But just so mad. And then so so withdrawn.
I think it's because he feels bad he didn't think of something on his own, or bad that it's the tenth time I've asked, or something - at any rate, I'm pretty sure that the root of the anger is not about me.
So I'm left with this - I can't really safely ask for help because I don't want for him to feel bad about himself. I can't ask for help also, because then he'll withhold the light, happy, wonderful man that he is from me.
As a result, I really try to ask for nothing. But... you guys, the pressure to maintain everything is really CRUSHING. I'm not mad at him. I love him. I promised to love him no matter what and I do, I really do. However, I'm afraid that I can't keep all of these balls in the air. And, while I'm not resentful now, how can I maintain this forever?
And, really the big question at the back of my head is - this really isn't FAIR. I can't ask for anything? Again, he's a great guy and a great father, and he adds an element of levity to our lives that is valuable and necessary (I'm a tad intense). If I keep that in the front of my brain I can deal with it, but sometimes it's I just HAVE to ask for stuff - how do I approach my husband with a need and not spin him into this shame/anger cycle? I have enough to deal with without also feeling crappy that I made him feel bad. I've tried notes, email, texts, talks - I can't find his WAY and neither can he.
don't know if this will help, but....
Submitted by dori on
i wanted to post anyway, so you know there's hope for him yet.....
http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/dealing-anger-adhdadd-spouse
i was there once. angry. lashing out. frustrated.
Tip top...
Submitted by tornadoscott on
So I'll start by saying that your attitude is a credit to the institution of marriage and committment...pretty cool.
See what a son of a b*#$% this ADHD is...it takes someone who is dedicated and committed and makes it so damn hard to make progress.
I may have offered this idea before but that's OK...
My ex and I put a jar out with a post it pad next to it. A slot was cut in the lid of said jar and a pen was attached by a string. This jar was the "I wanted you to be aware that ____________" jar. When my girlfriend wanted to ask something of me or address something that wasn't a matter of life or death, or extremely time sensitive, but was truly important and she felt that an on the spot confrontation wasn't the best idea she wrote it down and dropped it in the jar. I would check the good old jar when I saw post it's in there and when she wasn't in the room. I would take a minute, make absolutely sure I understood what was being asked or said and then it was up to me to approach her about it and discuss what needed to be done. This solved a bunch of problems:
1. The notes were non-confrontational, I wasn't under any pressure to immediately process what was being asked and as she wasn't in the room I felt proactive in reading them.
2. She felt good because she saw me taking initiative to come have a loving ad caring conversation with her about something that had bothered her or was important to her.
3. There weren't any negative emotions tied to the notes. If one said "I wanted you to know that I would really appreciate more help cleaning up after dinner, it would mean a lot to me..."
What do you think about an idea like that? In the past I've had people say "why should I have to do that?" and I guess people don't have to accommodate their partner in every way but if its simple and works and makes both people feel empowered and heard I think its worth it...
Rage
Submitted by sylvia caplow on
I have given up - I have been married to an ADDHD male for 54 years- his symptoms were apparent in grade school but when I met him in college, they were not apparent - as he aged, his symptoms became worse and he was diagnosed at Mass General Hospital - selfish, controlling, RARELY can look at something from another person's point of view- I made a mistake when I did not go through with my plans for a divorce in 1994. I have learned to say NO! and I have learned to never let a disparaging remark go unchallenged. if he REALLY gets nasty, I leave for a few hours. I am very angry - I am entitled to a more respectful , caring partner!!