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1. Uncoachable kids become unemployable adults. We all know someone who is unable to keep a job. Nine times out of ten each time they get “fired” or “let go” it was someone else’s fault, they cannot get along with management or they do what they want to when they want to do it. This person was most likely one of the kids who refused to take direction, who did not play well in teams, or just did what they wanted and it was allowed. Sadly, this is something that starts in childhood. I encourage you to let your children be coached and/or instructed by other adults so they get used to it. This is a MAJOR part of life."
I saw the above come thru my Facebook Newsfeed and it really hit home. H comes from a family where the men have been largely under-employed or under-earners...with the exception of my H. H is the only male in his family that played team sports, so he did get used to being told what to do from "authority figures." His father and his brothers never played team sports beyond very low level little league, where true coaching doesn't exist. H's dad couldn't "hack it" working for a corporation, so he bailed early. He hated being told what to do. He hated being told that he was expected to meet certain benchmarks, etc. So, he quit. This was at a time when men knew that they HAD to support their families, so he started his own business in the same field that, at the time, was historically very lucrative. Because he was so lousy at it, he only made a very modest living....by default...by just showing up.
I wonder how differently H's dad and brothers would be, employment-wise, if they had been "coached kids". I wonder how many here who rightfully complain that their partners are unemployed or under-employed are dealing with former "uncoachable kids."
ADHD and B.R.A.T. are not one in the same
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
overwhelmedwife,
Having someone as a guide through the difficult waters is a big help.
I struggled a lot raising my children through their school years. The 'not knowing' is what got in my way. Being a 'First Generation Mom with ADHD Awareness' is much the same as a First Generation College Mom. This gal - who is 56 with 2 grown children - JUST learned about these distinctions. Man, I WISH i had known!!!!!!
1st-Generation College Students First-generation colleges students are those whose parents and grandparents did not attend or graduate from college. Many times, first-generation college students are the first members of their family to go to college, and they may share some of the following characteristics:
Work at least part-time while attending college
May choose to attend college part-time
Come from lower socioeconomic status backgrounds
Come from ethnic-racial minority backgrounds
Live at home with family or relatives, or may chose a college or university that is geographically close to home thus making it easier to visit
May have significant family and work responsibilities they need to balance with their academics
Are twice as likely to drop out of college than their non-first generation counterparts before their second year in college
Are less likely to socialize with peers from school or take part in student organizations
Being a 1st generation college student brings unique challenges which can impact academic performance in a negative way. First-generation college students may experience some of the following:
Culture shock/stress – students may experience a cultural conflict between home and the university environment, while they may also be confused about the expectations of being a college student
Family responsibilities that conflict with academic responsibilities
Lack of understanding from family about academic responsibilities and may experience alienation from family support
Financial difficulties
Lack of understanding about campus culture – need for networking, accessing resources, knowledge about the college campus
May have difficulty making or finding community on campus
May lack identity as a student
May have difficulty or feel apprehensive about connecting with their professors before and after class or during their office hours
Have difficulty making connections between career goal and academic requirements
May wonder if they have what it takes to succeed at the university
May experience frustration with the system
May experience depression and anxiety
Seek help when you recognize a problem – Too often, first-generation college students try to do it all alone and do not seek help. Seeking help is not a weakness; rather, it is a sign of strength, resilience and persistence. And it can greatly impact your ability to succeed!
It is vital to be aware of what you feel in your gut. I received some very snotty responses, starting with "Don't tell me you didn't know about this. It was advertised EVERYWHERE. You just chose not to pay attention." Yep as a mom I heard this when I was struggling to help my 2 children navigate through high school. Too bad I did not realize that I should have looked further, and that woman's response was a very poor one.
ADHD awareness is vital. I do realize there are parent's who self-diagnose and assign ADHD as an excuse for their child's behavior. Hopefully, here in NE Ohio, things on the ADHD awareness are on an upswing. Not too sure that is factual - - - -I know some teachers who STILL do not BELIEVE IN ADHD. Shameful. In this day and age, shameful.
Are there lazies out there? Yep. Are there children who have been tossed into the wrong spot of "uncoachable kids" Yep.
Labels are powerful in both directions. ADHD used as an insult is wrong. ADHD used as an alternative for "Bad Kid" is wrong. ADHD used as a mode to get in the right places to get the right direction is a good thing. If we stop at "uncoachable kid" it is a travesty. If we look deeper into why a child appears to be an "uncoachable kid", it is an open door to the next level of understanding, then it is a good thing.
With sincerity,
Liz
I hope you don't think I was
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I hope you don't think I was saying that "uncoachable kids" and brats are the same.
I do think that ADHD is real. However, I do think it's often a "side symptom" of something greater, when ADHD symptoms are moderate to severe....anxiety, depression, low-self-esteem, personality disorders, etc.
I see ADHD as the "big middle circle" surrounded by overlapping smaller circles of other issues.
I do think that some (not all) symptoms of ADHD can be mitigated with a loving teaching parenting style, regular chores starting at a young age, and healthy routines, which were horribly lacking in my H's family. It was a free for all, with each allowed to do whatever the hell they wanted with little/no guidance, advising, etc.
Correlation/Causation
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
overwhelmedwife,
Not at all. As I am realizing, just like me, others discovered this forum when they Googled the frustrating behaviors that caused disruption in our life.
I find this quote a while ago: "Correlation does not imply causation". As an example, as I grew into adulthood, I fit into the majority of the list of traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. And, some of my 7 siblings did not.
I also see a distinct pattern that has developed in marriages based on having one spouse with undiagnosed ADHD, who had developed their own unique patterns of protective behaviors so they were able to navigate a world into which they did not seem to fit.
There are people who have not walked in our shoes of either - or both - being married to someone who is ADHD, or having a child who is ADHD, who tend to want to paint ADHD with the wide brush of a few negative labels.
Sincerely,
Liz
If you put my ADHD child in a
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
If you put my ADHD child in a gym for one hour with a coach and a basketball, it might be a long, miserable hour for both of them. If you put my ADHD child in a room for an hour with a guitar and a music teacher, it would be an extremely positive and productive hour for both. Even though my ADHD child isn't much into traditional "public school" sports, he is a fierce competitor and has had a lot of success at the state level in shooting sports.
I'm a firm believer that God gives us all gifts and talents. As parents we should do our best to help our children discover and develop their gifts. I think it's one of the best things we can do for our kids. This task of developing gifts as talents seems even more important for kids with ADHD. Their gifts, as well as their shortcomings, seem to be so much more pronounced than other non-ADHD kids.
I think it's possible that some parents have a preconceived idea about how their child will be and where their child will excel. I think a lot of parents want their child to be a sports star, especially in Smalltown, America. So when the child ends up being gifted in 'art' rather than 'sports', the parents are disappointed and the child is labeled an uncoachable failure. It's really sad.
However, we've all seen the kids that get mad and throw fits on the field. From my observation, the kids throwing the fits are usually the ones who's parents are yelling and screaming in the stands.
I certainly hope that having ADHD doesn't automatically make a child uncoachable at everything in life. I'm hoping that I can help my ADHD child find his niche in life.
You Sounds Like You are On the Right Track HH
Submitted by kellyj on
Finding my niche was the most important discovery of all in having ADHD. In a very general way of seeing this......I generally did not fit the program as designed for everyone else which generally worked for the majority of kids.....generally speaking. Finding your niche for someone with ADHD is the difference between success and failure. Trying to shove a square peg into a round hole will never work no matter how hard to you try to make it work. All it does is bend both the hole and the peg completely out of shape if this is what you are trying to do I think. Neither the hole or the peg are at fault when this happens......the only fault is not understanding the shape of the two objects and why they don't fit together. Not knowing you have ADHD.....or for others who don't understand it or deny it's existence will keep on perusing the same course of action that worked for them (or for everyone else) and not understanding the shape of the object and not seeing the difference in the hole that you are attempting to put it in.
Finding my niche(s) (or strengths) and exploiting those instead of what I was told to do was the equivalent for me in finding a square hole instead of a round one. There may be fewer choices and fewer square holes out there....but once I found them it was a perfect fit every time each time I found a new one from that point on. It's never a matter of what that square hole is.....only that you find it. That was absolutely the key between success and failure. This I had very little choice in the matter and to this day....much of that still holds true.
My entire childhood experience would have taken a different course had it not been for the fact that my particular niche(s) were either discounted as not being as valid as others..... or completely dismissed as irrelevant or disallowed by what my parents wanted from me countless times. This just puts you between a rock and a hard place with little choices left to choose from.
Back in the day.....I did have the opportunity to dissent on my own and go out and find my niche(s) any way despite what my parents told me. I got in trouble many times for being disobedient for following my gut and what it was trying to tell me. All that did was make me not trust my gut any more....it never stopped me from doing anything. I just did them when my parents weren't looking or were not around.
Interesting from what you said about your son........guns were not allowed in my house period. Guns were 100% off limits and I was forbidden from playing with them or having one.....(BB gun to start with). However....my parents both grew up in different parts of the country but moved to where I grew up just before I was born. I live in Hunter's central and hunting and guns are a way of life for many people in my state. This exposed me to many opportunities to shoot (real guns) with my friends and their fathers but I never told my parents as this would only caused trouble for me. What did I do? I lied of course....what would you do? Was this being a brat or an unruly disobedient child? As far as my parent were concerned....that is exactly what it meant. Yet....down the street at my friends house.....we shot guns with the father all the time and had a great time only 1/4 mile down the road and it was a perfectly natural way to have a good time for a couple of boys and a father together in a safe and supervised way.....
and....I was good at it too. Unfortunately when I young.....my parents never knew just how good I was at many things because I did them all behind their back. Having my parents tell me or forbid me from doing something was my cue card which meant to go do it even more. I knew they were wrong but of course.....saying that to their face would have been being a brat and an unruly disobedient child. In that respect.....I never was that and never acted out since the consequences were so severe. The only consequences I learned was from getting caught not from perusing my interests as long as they were acceptable in respect to being a valid skill or activity to have by some (if not all) societal standards even if it wasn't by my parents. I rarely was openly disrespectful to my parents to their face growing up for all good reasons but thankfully......I also never listened to them when I knew they were wrong and did these things anyway whether they allowed it or not.
I also got really good at never getting caught either. That's the only skill or thing you learn when you are put into this kind of position. Not anything to aspire to really....and yet....that was the only end result of this problem that I ran into with my own parents growing up. The biggest regret I have when I think about this was that my parents never really got to know me or who I was as a person. They were too busy trying to mold me in their image instead.
J
Shooting sports is a great
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
Shooting sports is a great sport that not many kids get to experience. In our area more kids would like to give it a try, but finding enough certified coaches is a problem. As you can imagine the ratio of coaches to shooters must be extremely high. Another great aspect of shooting sports is the fact that you can continue competing throughout your lifetime. At least in our part of the world, it isn't too hard to find shotgun, pistol, rifle, and three gun competitions. You should search for a gun club or shooting range in your area.
Many people seem to confuse the word 'different' with the word 'defective'. I know my parents do. Even though I'm a hard working contributor to society, they seem to be disappointed in me. I've always assumed it's because I'm very different than them. They are very loud and like to be the center of attention. I'm very quiet and prefer to stay behind the scenes. They honestly seem to believe that their existence is more valid than mine.
I think the word "coach" isn't just applying to sports.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I think the term "uncoachable kid" doesn't just apply to team sports or individual sports. I think it applies to music lessons, karate, art lessons.....anything.....anything where the child is involved with something THAT HE LIKES but refuses to take direction from a teacher/coach/guide/etc.
I agree that the child who doesn't like sports wouldn't be "coachable" in a sport. But if that same child loves arts and crafts or loves playing an instrument but can't take directions from someone who is trying to guide him/her, then that's an issue.
I know a young lady with a beautiful singing voice. She wants to be a professional singer. She even tried out for American Idol. She didn't make it past the first audition, even tho she has a very good voice. She can't be coached. Her family has offered to pay (and has paid) for her to have a voice-coach, but she refuses to do the "voice exercises" and other things that would improve her voice.
Spot on OWW. Sports probably saved our family
Submitted by doublej on
My oldest son is adopted and has attachment disorder (RAD). Rad has many overlapping behavioral characteristics with ADHD. They are usually co-morbid diagnoses.
His counselor (the effective one) pretty much insisted he play sports so he could learn the skills needed to live in a family. There are many great metaphors between sports and life. My son primarily needed to learn "coachability," teamwork, and working for a larger group goal rather than looking out for #1. Coaches=parents; team = siblings/other family members; group goal = empathy.
My son did not play sports to burn energy, find a social niche, explore a passion or gain glory. The therapeutic goal of sports was to teach him how to live in a family which will prepare him for adulthood. And it's working. Our family life has improved 100-fold. I know skills he has learned will help him with future employment and when he has a family of his onw.
To me, it's pretty obvious that these specific lessons can be learned in several "team" settings like band or theater.
Good points!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
and wonderful that things are working out well for your son and family.
Sports Saved My Life doublej
Submitted by kellyj on
I commend your sons counselor for his insistence in getting involved in sports. What you said was exactly my experience.....Coaches=parents; team = siblings/other family members; group goal = empathy.
Adding (only) in here on my own.....responsibility to the group as well as to yourself (outside of the group or sport itself ie: taking care of yourself and saving yourself in part, by planning ahead and then organizing and orchestrating others things in your life around preparing for an event as one example)
Immediate positive feedback from the group and coach for accomplishments and constructive criticism when you fail or lose..... always looking forward to the next opportunity to improve ....and learn from mistakes with second, third, fourth etc chances in a positive environment where everyone makes the same mistakes and loses or wins together as a team at the same time.
Focus less on the individual and more on the team as whole with your part being equally important in the shared responsibility you have as being a vital function of the whole group.
And yes.....there are many correlations in sports that mimic all areas of social interaction later in life especially in the work place ie: conflict resolution, etiquette, and relationship building skills including taking leadership roles as well as subordinate ones at different times within the team.
I think the biggest reason why this is so successful however is that it is hands on learning in an applied way vs. sitting in a classroom lecture style in a passive way only learning "theory" instead of in an applied practical way from experience. So important I think if you have ADHD as a kid due to the amount of attention span that can limit just how much at one time your are capable of when comparing learning in a traditional setting at school.
Besides.... at least in my school experience....there was really nothing in that social context where you learn any of these things ever and there were really no classes you could take to get that same kind of experience.
I like your additions!
Submitted by doublej on
Sports definitely taught my son some hard lessons that he didn't learn in the classroom--or from my lectures:
Hard work leads to results. My son coasted through all of his classes. It really didn't matter how much work he did or did not do because he automatically moved on to the next grade. (Schools don't hold back kids anymore.) Showing up was enough. In sports, the kids who works hardest (usually) get the most playing time.
Real life has bench warmers. My son was so upset after his first game when he only got a couple of minutes of play. (I thought the coach was pretty generous because my son didn't even know all the rules of the game.) Son thought that everyone would get equal playing time--just like in PE. He quickly learned there are reasons people ride the bench. The coach doesn't owe him anything.
Responsibility: late to practice? Sprints. Forget your gear? Bear crawls. Failing a class? No games. The immediate consequences are so important to shaping behavior. He learned that no one is going to rescue him or coddle him.
Exactly doublej
Submitted by kellyj on
furthering your arguments here.....there is no entitlement period. You learn that you must earn the privilege to chosen to play...and once you do....you have to earn the privildge to remain playing because if you don't....you don't get to play. Too bad.....next. lol "You gotta pay to play....everyone's gotta pay the man some time"...as the expression goes. If someone is better or more talented (or more experienced) then they've earned it....you haven't. What about someone who is naturally stronger, more agile and more gifted than you are....that isn't fair? Yep. Life isn't fair either. Who ever came up with the concept of "no child left behind" did not think this through very well. In respect to the theory....it has merit....but it does not account for free will and the ability to learn, adapt and overcome.
If every child gets a present on someone else's birthday so their feelings don't get hurt....there is something inherently wrong with that. It's not everyone else's birthday including yours....why do you get to have a present? You're day will come but it's just not this day. You haven't earned that present and you will just have to wait your turn.
Immediate gratification is the biggest downfall ( a HUGE problem in todays society) and that's the side effect to that kind of thinking and the part that was not considered within it. Entitlement is a huge problem in relationship later on. Sociologically speaking....it is the same inherent problem with the concept of PC or Communism. It is in denial of the fact that we as humans....are designed to strive and want more. It's just how we are made. And so that becomes a trade off. Instead of being only fair to those who have talent or are gifted....it goes in reverse and makes it unfair to those same individuals. But that is only accounting for the extremes at both ends (the best and the worst) What about the other 80% (the rest of us?) We're the ones who actually lose within this inherent flaw in our thinking and the dynamic it creates in general.
Sports or team activities where there is true competition involved.....winner takes all. If you want to win and get the prize....you have to work for it and earn it. No two ways about it:) There are the Donald Trump's and Paris Hilton's in this world....but they are the exceptions.
I will never forget the moment when I was talking with a group of guys about all things.....speed limits (with a bunch of motorcycle riders at a weekend biker meet...(no Harley riders!!!!!! (Hardly Furgeson lol ) European rode racing bikers that is...needed to make that distinction lol) He popped off with this one I have remembered to this day ....
"any law that the majority of the people break on a regular basis....is not a good law." I can see the flaw in this logic too....but there is some truth within it as well...it very much speaks to the rest of us (the 80%)...who fall somewhere in the middle. (prohibition and the end result of it...the mafia and organized crime is a good case in point) Nature abhors a vacuum and something or someone is going to fill in the gaps whenever we try to go against mother nature:)
J
Sports and life lessons....
Submitted by c ur self on
Many of us can identify with the sports analogy...Everyday when I wake up and roll out I have to set my mind, warm up, and suit up. Because there's a strong opponent who meets me once I gain consciousness every morning. This team is faithful and has never missed a day!...At first base the big guy is complacency, On second base is arrogance, Their short stop is a real athlete his name is Pride. Third base is manned by excuses, And left field is covered by, I'm better than you. Everyone gives their center fielder a wide birth his name his Anger. The right fielder is a shy kid who's name is, No one loves me. Their pitcher is pretty good, but if you ask him his record, he will tell you that he's never lost a game, his name is denial. And the few times he comes out of the game in the late innings old blame is the best closer in the game....And the Catcher? Well his name is know it all, if you need to know something just ask him, he is never wrong....
Well I better get to bed, I've got a big game tomorrow....
C
Responsibility: late to practice? Sprints. Forget your gear? Bea
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
Responsibility: late to practice? Sprints. Forget your gear? Bear crawls. Failing a class? No games. The immediate consequences are so important to shaping behavior. He learned that no one is going to rescue him or coddle him.
<<<
I think this is what saved my H job-wise...unlike his brothers who didn't play sports, or do band, or do theater, or do anything that required a team or group effort and cooperation.
I love the idea of "late to practice"? sprints, etc. It's funny, in homes and in school these days, parents and teachers are discouraged from giving any real "uncomfortable" punishments. It's almost considered "abuse"....yet, coaches know that they can't get quality performances when there isn't discipline.
I was watching ESPN tonight and they were talking about the college football playoffs. A couple of the teams have sent home players (suspended them) because of "rules infractions". These players likely snuck out of their hotel rooms, or ignored curfews, or some other infraction, and now they won't get to be there for the games. Big consequences for bad behaviors.
The fine line
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Sports analogies. Now add ADHD into the picture. My experience has been finding where that line of distinction between 'what someone is capable of accomplishing,' and 'what is beyond there capabilities.'
When it comes to childhood and ADHD, it really is impossible to punish a child out of ADHD symptoms. It ticks away at their self esteem as they internalize why they can't seem to please others, why they can't seem to get it together, and why are they failing.
Boundaries and guidelines are good. Uncomfortable consequences for direct acts of defiance are good teaching tools.
For me, I discovered early on I did not want to prove to the world how great a mother I was by making sure my child was potty trained by 18 months, or making my child eat what I wanted them to eat, or insisting they get straight As.
And the sports ethics part - yeah. Not so much. My son was over 6 foot tall in middle school. He wanted to play basketball, so he tried out for the team. He was at every practice - on time. He took in all the encouragement from the coach - "MY team will be built on players who attend all the practices, and are loyal to the team. Skill is important, but attendance and team spirit are what count when it comes to my selection for the team."
Oh yeah, sure. A player who attend NOT ONE SINGLE practice got on the team. Sure he was a great basketball player, but all that crap the coach said meant squat. Sounded good, read good on paper, but when push came to shove, the coach wanted to WIN, WIN, WIN.
Liz
You Said It Liz
Submitted by kellyj on
photos taken from press release this month (Dec. 15, 2015) honoring Rod Harmon for being inducted into the National High School Hall of Fame this coming July. He is 85 years old and still coaching. There's that smile again:) FYI: I started swimming with him in 1963 and had already been coaching for six years previous to that starting the year I was born in 1957:)
photo link
Just by dumb luck and the fact that my swimming coach was close to where I lived.....I found a coach who was not like this. I don't mind using his name here because I think he deserves some credit. His name is Rod Harmon and he was admired by everyone. I never heard one critical word used to describe him form anyone because he was almost above reproach. His secret. He cared. Not about winning but about his swimmers. He had perfected the balance between reward, punishment and motivation to a fine art. You didn't swim hard because you had to.....you did it because you wanted to. You wanted to please him and show him that you could be the thing that he said you could be. Unlike your example with your sons basketball coach.....he was always consistent and never changed or went back on his word.
And what do I remember most about Mr Rod (as I later called him when I got older as a joke). Not the brutal workouts and the harsh punishments when you screwed up or was goofing off. But his humanity and his huge ear to ear grin and deep down belly laugh. I can't tell you how many times I got caught being mischievous and playing practical jokes when I should have been resting or working harder....I was definitely a handful at times and very passive aggressive but not so much in a destructive way......I was known for my creativity even back then at coming up with practical jokes on my team mates. Mr Rod had an imposing booming voice that would make you jump just from hearing it. I remember a few times where he would come around the corner and catch me red handed doing something I wasn't suppose to be doing and would scare the crap out me with his huge booming voice. After he would impose what ever punishment he determined to fit the crime....he would be waling away from me to leave me in my sorrow....and as he would do this I would watch him walking away and catch a smile coming on his face that he had hidden from me while I was being chastised. It was a smile that told me both......that the kid inside him was the one laughing and if it had been him doing the same thing back when he was young.....he would have thought that is was pretty funny too. He knew how to shame you in just the right way! lol
Quick story.....one time...one of my team mates and I while we were still dressed in our street clothes and shoes on before workout.....were trying to see who could fly the foam kick boards across the pool by skipping them on the water and then back out and on to the deck at the other end. This was a BIG no no!! Windows and other things had been broken in the past by errant miscalculations in trajectory and we knew we were not supposed to do this yet....it was fun to do.
Mr Rod surprised us by arriving early and as he came around the corner.....I was just winding up and about to let go when he yelled "HEY!!!" just as I was releasing my board. This startled me to the point that I lost my balance and was teetering on the edge of the pool with my arms wind-milling around to try and keep myself from falling in. This went on for a few moments before I lost the battle and started to go in the pool, At that point it was no use in trying to save myself and I just stepped off the deck with both feet into the water and then stood there waist deep looking at my coach. It was one of those moments. All he did was laugh at me hysterically while everyone else who saw this joined in with him. It was one of those laughs that you knew was not out ridicule...but in the fact that his was so proud that his timing was so good that he made me do this. That's all it took. He just turned around and went back to what he was doing and left me there standing in my clothes fully soaked and looking like a fool. He had a keen ability to always know when enough was enough and his message had reached it's mark:)
J
We are blessed by those special saints
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
J,
Great story. Life lessons like those are wonderful to share.
I have a teacher or two who was instrumental in my life. And a few that were special to my children. I remember something from one of Dr. Phil's books about how we each have 5 pivotal people. who helped shape our life. That is really key for me to keep in mind, especially when that obviously illustrates that we have thousands who walk through our lives and have little or no positive impact.
Liz
Recreational vs. Competetive Teams
Submitted by doublej on
I'm so Exhausted:
I hear you. I think you're talking about two different ways to play sports. One way is competitively--the goal is to win so coaches will use the best players. Recreationally leagues are built on the premise of equal playing time so everyone gets the opportunity to get skills and have fun.
I think there are tremendous benefits to both approaches to sports.(There is also benefits to the old neighborhood pick-up games.) As a parent you have to figure out which style is best for your kid. I think the coach/league needs to be upfront on which style they use. Our school district has a no-cut policy. Everyone is on the team. I love this. At the same time, the coaches have plainly said they'll play the kids who will win the game. If you're second or third string, you might only see playing time if the team is winning by a wide margin.
Coaches for both types of play still need to be ethical and truthful. There is no excuse for cheating.Coaches need to follow the rules set by the league or their school. I don't believe in the win at any cost mindset.
I do believe that many parents/adults go WAYYYYY overboard about their kids' sports.
Agree about going overboard and sports
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I don't like seeing kids in 3 different sports or similar activities at one time, every minute booked up. Just too crazy.
In fact, I've noticed that when parents have their kids "over-scheduled" then there's little/no time to teach them or have them learn some life skills. It's just rush, rush, rush, with parents often managing everything.
And again, this isn't really about sports...it could be anything...piano, band, boy scouts, etc.
ADHD kids, particularly boys, seem to do better when they are taught a routine from a very young age. You brush your teeth, you dress, you comb your hair, you put your shoes on. Would we allow ADHD kids to skip brushing their teeth because they're ADHD? Uh, no. Would we let them go to school naked because they're ADHD and forgetful? Uh, no. Would we let them wander into busy streets without looking for cars because they're ADHD? Uh no.
My naivety
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
doublej,
Liz is a rule follower, and I try to be fair.
My family and our neighbors loved softball. We played until one side had three out. Then we switched infield and outfield. We did not keep score, we just had fun. Image the shock to my being when I first played softball after I moved away from the family farm. Talk about a sheltered childhood!!!!
Liz
My Naivety......The Unspoken Rules
Submitted by kellyj on
Do as I say, not as I do. In my family.....this was the rule.....but it wasn't the rules. The rules are what you learn....and what you do is different than that. What you do is what you have to do if unless you want to lose which is to learn the "unspoken rules". And the only way to learn that is from experience since no one tells you that up front.
Every time I did what I was told and followed the rules as stated.....I always came out with the short end of the stick. It seemed the people making the rules....did so in their favor not mine. lol
A real life case in point.....more naivety on my part. lol
When I had most of my personal belongings and cash drained from my checking account by forgery and theft at the hands of a group of unscrupulous people....I went to the police and tried to file a report with the hopes of at least....having the people who did this held accountable in some way for doing what they did. The police would not even file a repost saying....there was a back log of cases already and this kind of case was not "a viable concern" for them. What do you mean by that?
It means (as it was repeated many times in my attempts to even get any tax or insurance claims to recover what little I was afforded by those agencies) quote..."yes, we can arrest these people today right this very minute on several charges since they clearly broke the law without question. But the DA's office will throw it right back out because right now with the back log of cases....the amount of prosecuting attorneys' in the DA's office...and the amount of judges available to handle the cases they have already along with the available court time and space....and without any more money in the system to increase the capacity of the system.....these people will be released immediately and never be prosecuted. Therefore.....we won't even right up a report of these kinds of cases because by the rules we have to follow.....that would require up to follow up with an investigation and paper work required if we do. So therefore....were not going to even file a repost because this will all be a waste of every ones time and money to do so. Sorry....that's just how the system works.
"So let me get this straight......there are laws (or rules) that say that it is illegal to do something and it is punishable by the system if we do....but the system will not punish the law breakers even to the point of not writing up a repost because that would be a waste of your time....is that right?"
"Yes. Sorry....that's just how in the "real" world it actually works."
"So what you are saying is....there are unspoken rules that are not spoken or told to everyone....but everyone is made to believe that the rules that are spoken and made to believe are the ones that we are suppose to follow and believe....are not true and the unspoken rules are the ones we are actually suppose to use to tell us what to do...it that right?"
"Yes....that right."
"So where does that leave me."
"I don't know.....but we've got other people waiting in line right now to give them the same bad news and I go on break in 10 minutes...please step aside....but one word of warning here for you.....don't try and take the law into your own hands and try and do something yourself.....you will be arrested if you try and do that."
"So....let me get this straight.....you aren't going do anything about this even though they broke the law....but I am not allowed to do anything about this either since that would be breaking the law and I will be arrested for doing that, but not the people who broke the law that I can't do anything about....is that right?"
"Yes....there are laws that protect these people the same as you but those laws are the ones that we will enforced but just not the ones that they broke. These people know this and they know exactly how far they can go and not get arrested and that is why they keep doing it. We know this....and now you do to. There is nothing that can be done."
"So in other words.....the laws are not inforable so they are mearly there to make an appearance but serve no function or have any basis on reality ...is that right"
"Yes...that's right"
"So why even have any rules or laws at all.....isn't that what we've got right now as you are saying this?"
"Well...you can sue them at your expense in civil court"
"But that won't get anything back that they stole. You can't squeeze blood out of turnip and that would only prove to put me more in debt since....they stole the only money I had to pay an attorney in the first place which....... the attorney that I did go to see told me the same thing and to save what little money I have left because that would be a waste of money to even try. What about simply prosecuting these people for that sake alone so they will stop doing it since.....they know that nothing will happen to them so why should they stop?"
(blank expression, no response, silence)
These unspoken rules are now what I know are true and the unspoken rules that are the "actual" real rules of our society not the ones we are told or what believe are true. So the question now becomes......which rules to you follow? The ones you are told.....or the "real ones" that everybody actually lives by. By that standard....those are the rules that I follow and the ones that I adhere to to the letter since they are the only ones that actually apply in the real world in which we live. I am no longer......naive:)
Imagine the shock I had when I discovered the "truth of reality" which was different than the rules that I was told and believed were true. I was very naive for believing what I was told. I no longer do that anymore and look for the 'true, unspoken rules first".... and then act according base on those instead of the "false" or "inaccurate" rules that no one follows and afford you no protection what so ever.
They told me I only had to learn checkers when I was growing up and everything would be fine. I have come to learn that you need to learn to play chess and then apply it to playing checkers which in reality...is what is actually needed to survive:)
None of this applies however to being in a relationship with another person.....in that much at least.....there are no rules other than the ones you make yourself between the two people. Assuming otherwise is naive for sure. Guilty as charged!! That's the hard part and the part that doesn't necessary get mentioned or ever looked at until it's too late.
Better late than never. I don't think that's a rule? But it is a wise one to follow most of the time at the very least:)
J
Better late than never.
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
J,
Better late than never. Better late than never. Better late than never.
I keep reminding myself of this. Over and over.
I get overwhelmed, utterly and completely, when I look back over my life and realize how many times I let someone convince me to believe something I knew, knew, knew, to be incorrect, yet doubted my own sensibility. Grrr.
Not gonna do it. Not anymore.
With determination,
Liz