My husband was a very intelligent, funny, adventuresome, loving man. He has always provided well for us, has had a very steady work history, and wanted to spend time together (bowling, vacations, ect.) He didn't need to be the center of attention, he was quiet and witty. Then ADD became dominate in his life and things began to unravel.
We have 23 years together, 2 kids, a house and a history together. Our future is not looking bright.
He has ADD is on fluxotine and dextroamphetamine XR (depression and ADD) and therapy once a week.
We are started couples counseling last week but ended up talking about his job the entire session. His complaints are that I'm too controlling, I have authority over our kids and he wants some, and that we have become roommates only - no relationship. I am blown away by this. I can't believe that after years of begging him to be present in our kids lives (and him still doing only what he wanted), to help take of care of the kids when sick (which is ALOT) (he will go and sleep downstairs so he isn't bothered by those that are sick), and trying to talk to him about why our sex life is almost non existing and being told that things are fine (not as young as he used to be, he's tired, being overweight isn't sexy, ect). Now all of the troubles in the bag are due to me!
For abt 9 months he had a terrible temper - to the point where I was scared of him - I almost left. Now I'm wondering why I didn't. The temper has improved, he is going to counseling and taking meds - but now he is blaming all of our relationship issues on me. Up to this point he had no comments about being unhappy in our marriage or about the kids - so why now? Sometimes I don't think that he has a full grasp on reality - as though he hears part of what is being said and then combines that what he wants or thinks.
One other thing is that he now lies to me. He will lie, know that I know that he is lying but keeps with his story. And the lies are over small insignificant things. If I call him on it - he gets mad. If I questions something in a discussion that we are having to clarify what is happening - he gets mad, says I'm controlling him.
He loves the computer. Will spend hours at a time doing nothing - or so i think. I want to give him some trust and at this point I can only trust that he isn't making poor choices while on line. The computer and exercise are just a new distraction for him - another way to isolate from me and the family.
I am told by his counselor that he is ashamed and feels bad about his behavior and we need to help him find who he is. Yet, I see no remorse, no sadness, no shame from my husband - no signs that he is searching or looking for answers or forgiveness. And he is able to blame and accuse at will. But I feel the hurt, the sadness, confusion and yes, anger coming from me and I am told to be supportive of him. I accept the responsibility that I have reacted badly to him when I should have been understanding, I accept that I enable him to behave this way. I accept the responsibility that I have stood up over the years and have done the right thing because it needed to be done and I will not be made to feel that by doing so it was wrong or controlling. What I can't accept is that just because he has ADD that it is not expected of him to accept responsibility for his actions.
He is upset over the fact that I have a small, tight group of friends - feels that its not fair since he doesn't have those friendships also. After a recent h.s. reunion I reconnected with a group of about 10 people that I had not seen or heard from since 10th grade but we were still great friends and try to get together every few months -he is upset that he can't do the same.
At this point, I look on my marriage with such sadness-everything that I/we planned (kids, family vacations, retirement) for in our life has now been damaged due to the ADD. My husband which used to make me laugh, who I trusted whole-heartedly, who was my best friend and protector, who I loved so deeply, that was a great dad, that was supportive my thoughts has left. In his place, this person that I don't recognize, understand or even like.
I need to move forward. I need to find a way to release my anger, and to claim myself again. I want this for me but also for my children. I don't know what will happen - every day brings some new challenge to our world that skews our views, but I must move forward (with or without my husband) and create a calm, peaceful, loving environment for me and my kids. There is one thing that has changed during this, I have decided to find full time employment. For so long, I was afraid that I had the financial means to leave him, that I would. I am still afraid, but I feel that I must make progress toward being independent
The above is just a portion of what life has been like for the past few years. After going through it, I know that this can't continue or I will be completely lost. I will continue with the marriage counseling sessions - see if things begin to move in the right direction. Otherwise, I will take things one day at a time.
Any reply/comments/suggestions are welcome.
.
Why do you think his ADD was
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Why do you think his ADD was so well managed for such a long period of time? Even during times in my 13 year marriage when things weren't complete misery, I can still honestly see the ADD at play, so it has always been lurking. Not until 05/2004 when we got custody of my step-daughter (added stress to the marriage and added responsibility for him) did his ADD spiral out of control. Did something happen that you think may have trigged the ADD to go into overdrive, so to speak? Maybe that trigger could be the key to being able to get back to where you were.
Why is he taking the meds? I know my husband (who has ADHD, BTW) is a HORRIBLE, MEAN monster when he takes medications...even Concerta. He's taken Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Effexor, and Concerta...mostly due to misdiagnosis (depression)...and he got so 'far out' there on them that I almost couldn't reach him and get him to understand how horrible he was behaving. I have given up hope that he'll ever be helped medication wise (as has he) so we're now just focused on therapy and making life changes...and praying it is enough. Maybe the medications are making him apathetic.
We are mostly all familiar with the blame game...and feeling astonished and disgusted when the blame for everything wrong is placed on us. The best defense against this is A) learning that you both hold some blame (whether it's his ADD behaviors or your negative, equally as destructive reaction to his bad behavior) and accepting responsibility for our part in things and making our own changes and B) learning that you cannot change him. The best gift you can give yourself is to make changes in your attitude and response to your life and all of the disappointments and frustrations. Stop trying to fix his ADD and just focus on fixing yourself and the damage it has done to you. (this does not have to include divorcing him) I think of the ADD cycle as a ball of yarn that has been wound and wound and wound for years..by both partners....when one person decides that enough is enough (not speaking necessarily of ending the marriage, just of ending the ugly cycle of blame and anger) and starts to unravel that ball, the results can be surprising.
ADD does not give anyone permission to do anything that is hurtful to those who love them...but it can help those of us living with someone who has it understand a bit more about the behaviors and how to react in a way that doesn't make things 10x worse.
Sherri, thank you for your
Submitted by lonelywife40 on
Sherri, thank you for your reply. Looking back I can see where the ADD has been in our life all along. As for a stressor/trigger - my guess would be the depression that began when we moved across country and changed jobs - he hated his new job and that seemed to be the beginning. For a number of years he moved from job to job within a company trying to find something that he liked. Within the last year, he has found a job that he likes but is feeling that he doesn't have any control over certain aspects/caught in the middle between employee complaints abt management and management and all of the distractions (he is seated in a very busy pathway) wearing headphones for quiet and having people set appts to see him vs dropping by. He is taking depression meds and ADD med's - his GP increased his depression med and that has helped a GREAT deal with his moods. I think right now he and I are at odds of what the next step is and what we want from here. We talked last night and I told him that I have made mistakes in the past with my comments that were not helpful and that I am working at changing that so my communication with him is positive as well as I am learning that it is the ADD that is the issue not him the person. That I was wrong for getting upset with him when it was the ADD that is causing our issues. Trying to give him more space so he doesn't feel like I am nagging at him. In addition, I also told him that I have many issues to work on me, some that are still being defined. He seemed ok at hearing these things but no response. When I asked him if he was interested in saving our marriage his response was he doesn't know what we would be saving. He says that we have nothing in common and do nothing together - which is true to a point. I agreed but also said that I feel that the issues with the ADD and the feelings caused by it and my response to it caused us to stop doing things together and kind of killed the fun - that we could work at changing that and having fun again. He is willing to try counseling - he figures that it can't hurt anything at this point but he is feeling very indifferent at this time. Right now I don't really know what to do - I don't want to leave but yet Im also now scared that he will leave. You are right I need to work on me - to leave the ADD to him. Im not ready to give up yet, but I think that he is done with all of this.
I thought about this a while
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I thought about this a while before posting it...because I don't like to think of my marriage (or anyone else's) as a game...but sometimes it is a matter of 'understanding' how they are reacting in reaction to our changes as opposed to playing games, but it sure feels like it sometimes.
Anyway...what I have found to be a constant in my marriage is that the more I try, the harder he pushes me away. At least initially. It is a sad scenario, but truthfully we get so used to the way things are that becomes our 'normal' and any 'change' in that way of living can be a crack in the foundation. Imagine this response to change if you have ADHD and depend on SOMETHING to ground you, even if that something is being able to depend on dysfunction...being able to predict how your partner will react. Again, based solely on my own situation, anytime I would find any morsel of strength to try and change I would be met with a lot of resistance. It almost seemed as if he were 100 times more determined to fight, push me away, and destroy the marriage. I am not saying that this is why your husband seems to apathetic in his response to your question about the marriage, but there is a chance that he's sensing some changes in you that he's interpreting as you gearing up to walk out on him and he's trying to fight you with 'reverse psychology'. Mind games, in other words. I HATE to presume or insinuate that everyone with ADD/ADHD does this and dare offend anyone, as a matter of fact, I'm not even certain it is ADD related as much as it is just part of human nature and our fears of breaking out of the 'normal' in our lives, even if the normal sucks.
Even when you feel he is giving up on the marriage, don't give up on yourself. If you lose your courage now, out of fear that he'll leave, then you'll be back to square one. What you have done for the past 20+ years hasn't worked...so no matter what happens in the marriage, you have to change your attitude for YOU....and try something new.
What my gut tells me, because I have lived this for so many years, is that he's probably genuinely scared. When I said earlier that me trying only caused him to pull away, I mean that I was trying to change him. Once I just decided to change myself, it still took months for me to get an effective mindset and routine down but even when he resisted me with everything in him, I still didn't change my mind. I was going to stop the chaos and be happy..with or without him (as painful as it was to think about) and he did eventually tear down his walls too. They have as hard of a time trusting us as we do them. Just keep moving forward, keep putting yourself out there to him, and if he isn't as receptive as you'd like then just keep moving forward..for you...anyway. Just continue to give him space, and carry on with your life as you want it to be.
At one point in my marriage, for many years, the more vulnerable I made myself to him, the more cruel he was to me. I would immediately put the walls back up. We never made an inch of progress. I really do hope you guys can work through this...but right now just let him work on him, let him figure all of this out without ANY input from you...and you put yourself first and stick with your plan.
me too
Submitted by hockeymom11 on
Just keep moving forward, keep putting yourself out there to him, and if he isn't as receptive as you'd like then just keep moving forward..for you...anyway. Just continue to give him space, and carry on with your life as you want it to be.
this is exactly what I've done. I sent my husband a letter that stated I was "moving on with or without him". I've started living my life as if he were invisible (of course I still answer his questions or have needed discussions regarding the children etc), but I keep it short and simple and go about my own life. I told him in very clear words that I didn't need another child, but my kids needed a father. I mentioned many other things in my letter about how I've felt over the years, how his behavior affected me and how I reacted incorrectly. The letter was easier for me because when I try to discuss this stuff verbally I start to cry and he makes some rude comment. Bottom line was: I'm moving forward in my life.
Low and behold he came back from his GP with strattera and started taking it. He has an appt. with a psychiatrist Oct 8. I know it's only a small step in this quagmire of a marriage and I still think I want a divorce, but AT LEAST it's a step. At least..........
I really am very happy to
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I really am very happy to hear this...don't beat yourself up if you backslide 100 times, just pick up each time and keep moving forward. I hated myself everytime I would fall into the trap and fight with him or find myself 'nagging'...but the less I do it, the more I realize how human it is to struggle to be the person we know we want to be. That is why the post here today about how an ADDer will say one thing but do another really hit home for me because I have often TRULY felt that the promises my husband made came from a place in him that really wanted to keep those promises and that he just constantly struggled to find the strength to make the changes that he desperately wanted to change. Why, for so long, didn't I afford him the same consideration I afforded myself? Hell, I struggle to change ANYTHING about my life...even promises I make myself that would make me a better parent...and I DON'T have ADD...can't imagine how hard it would be if I did.
I just kept letting my husband know that I wanted our marriage to work, that I wanted us to both be happy, but that I was done with things being the 'old' way. Things got a lot worse before they got better, and he even told me at one point that he wanted a divorce and accused me of 'faking' my changes in order to control him. Again, it took just as long for him to trust ME that I was done being his 'mother/controlling nagging wife' as it did for me to trust that he was done with the 'old us' too. SOO many times along the road, when we'd have set backs, I would want to give up...and the only thing that kept me going was a dialogue I had in the back of my head that I reminded myself that I knew we loved each other and I knew that we didn't mean the things we were saying. Remember..I didn't know he had ADD during all of this...but it was in OVERDRIVE and I just kept telling people that I didn't even know who he was anymore. It was SOO bad. IF we can come back from that, anyone can come back from anything.
Again, VERY happy to hear that you're taking care of yourself and at the same time admitting where you went wrong with things in the hopes that he'll meet you in the middle. It really is the best thing you can do for yourself..and your marriage. I will keep you guys in my prayers.
thanks Sherri
Submitted by hockeymom11 on
thanks for the kind words. I'm glad he is getting some help, my problem is that I DO want him to get better and get his act together, BUT do I love this man? The answer is NO.
When I try and think if I have any romantic/relationship feelings for my husband all I feel is DEEP dark pit of nothingness. I think it's too late for us and I hope he keeps up with his end of the deal.
I've figured out that we are fundamentally different human beings. I'm not sure why I was even attracted to him in the first place, it must have been the hyperfocus thing. He was a partying, drinking, bar hopping, center of attention, college dropout (we met at the university I was at, he was the I.T specialist). I was studious, athletic and very goal oriented. I guess I got swept off my feet and that old saying "love is blind" really is true.
Just some background that I've been adding up over the years:
My religious beliefs (I call myself a "recovering catholic" :) ). I'm Buddhist and I try hard to be a compassionate individual although I know I'm not always the best behaved Buddhist! His religious beliefs: NOTHING. No interest in learning about or going to a class on Buddhism, even though technically it's NOT a religion, it's a way of life. ANYONE can be a Buddhist whether you are Jewish, catholic or the like.
Since the age of 18 I have wanted to adopt an orphan. I found a very reputable agency, went to meetings, found a country, found grants and tax credits for adoption and his response: NOT INTERESTED, NO COMPASSION.
I volunteer to coach a disabled hockey team, I also work with a deaf goalie in another league. I found an orphanage in Tibet to volunteer (my son's have to be older to go). My husband's interests: VIDEO GAMES.
We bought a small farm about six years ago, my dream, my dream house (nothing fancy, that's not me). At the time he was into it and had all these plans to help. So far I'm the one driving the John Deere, harvesting crops, moving downed trees and now I have to learn to operate a chain saw!!
We are just too different and it's unfortunate it took me all these years to figure that out.
Two people posted things that hit VERY hard a while ago:
one posted that when ever she was out with her ADD spouse he totally ignored her and socialized with EVERYONE ELSE. I realized over the years that I've actually spent LESS time talking to my own family at holiday gatherings than HE did!! I was always the one running around chasing the kids, changing diapers, feeding the kids while he sat in the kitchen sipping coffee talking to MY AUNT or MY FATHER!!! UGH!
the other thing posted was about the women who went to lunch with a male friend. Well, last week I went to lunch with two male colleagues and left the restaurant on cloud nine!!! (no sexual feelings at all, not like that!). We dined, we talked about the novels we had all just read, we talked about global warming, we talked about movies and plots. I talked THEY LISTENED and responded. THEY TALKED and I listened and responded. My conversations with my husband: how many aliens he's killed, how many virtual worlds he's built, how many avatars he's created in his likeness or NOTHING at all.
so simplistically stupid, but so sadly missing from my life for many many many years.
hockeymom11 - So happy to
Submitted by lonelywife40 on
hockeymom11 - So happy to hear that your husband found his way to the doctor/meds and the appt with the psychiatrist - it is first step - I wish you and he the best of luck. I had to smile when I read your reply about writing things in a letter to your husband - I too am a "crier" and wear my emotions on my sleeve :). Thank you for sharing your story with me - as I mentioned to Sherri W- it helps so much knowing that Im not alone.
I love the fact that you have begun your journey in moving forward - what strength that takes! I am learning so much from everyone on this site that I feel like I am seeing the light for the first time. Also, I do not feel so "alone" anymore.
It sounds like you have made up your mind about a divorce - but maybe are leaving room for change of heart? I keep going back and forth on what to do about a divorce - I believe that I can do the work and parent thing on my own (looking back, I really have been doing it on my own) and I know that it will be difficult. I think my biggest worries are for my 2 kids - they didn't ask to be brought into this mess and they didn't want to be from a broken home. I don't know if I should talk to them about the issues that my husband and I are having (in the appropriate verbage and content) or not. Do you have any suggestions on books or resources for this?
Thanks again hockeymom11 and I hope you continue to find your happiness :)
That takes courage...and then some!
Submitted by freshstart2018 on
I'm new to this blog and feel GRATEFUL to have found others who are dealing with the nightmare caused by being married to someone with ADHD. In May 2010 I finally made the move to separate from my husband of 18 years. Prior to the separation, my life had become a constant daily crisis of drama and confusion. The last 5 years have been HELLISH. I have grown tired of the 'crazy' episodes of mental confusion and drama that played out on almost a daily basis as well as being responsible for EVERY aspect of our life. Now that he's living in his own place and is responsible for ALL of the tasks that come with running a household, he can see first hand the pressure that was solely on me. Now here's the kicker, he's doing MORE living on his own than he evr did while living in the family home. I have to work at releasing the resentment and anger I feel!! If he's capable of taking care of himself without my help, why didn't he contribute more prior to the separation?! It's so strange! I am struggling with living apart from him because I still love him. BUT, I also LOVE the peace that has finally returned to my SOUL. I think I miss his 'presence' in the home? Does that even make sense?! I am trying to take each day as it comes without thinking too far into the future.
As much as I love my husband, I no longer wish to be his caregiver/mother. I know that I want a true partner. We have talked about marriage and family counseling, however he refuses to go. We have two teenage girls at home who were really impacted by the emotional and mental dysfunction, however now that he's moved out, he does not seem to care much about their wellbeing. All communication and phone calls have been initiated by me. It's the usual, if I don't make a move, he does nothing. He's such a 'user'.
It seems as if quite a few of you have figured out how to live with your ADD spouse and I commend you! In spite of the guilt I feel, I have decided to move on with my life without my ADD Spouse. I want to be free of the craziness so that I can live the remainder of my life in peace. Life is too short to live in such misery.
5 years later and nothing has changed
Submitted by freshstart2018 on
After a 1 year separation period, my husband and I reconciled. Although he agreed to seek treatment and RX, however he never followed through and I didn't push it (I'm too tired). The last 5 years have been emotionally draining and his ADD/OCD have worsened with age. My mental health is a somewhat better--I TRY not to react when he's having one of his "moments" and I have learned how to motivate him ("honey, can you please take out the trash?" and when he completes the task, "thank you so much!"). His neediness continues to wear me down. So, why do I stay in this marriage? Because I love and care about my husband. I have accepted the fact that I can do NOTHING further to support and encourage my husband. It's time for me to do some serious soul searching regarding my future and how I want to live it. I welcome and appreciate all feedback.
Well lots has changed for us...
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Going on 181/2 years now and it's finally OVER. Reading back, it's quite depressing to see where we were and where we are. I'll explain more in a minute.
Im sorry but not surprised that things have not changed, even with the separation. Deep down, I just don't feel they have the ability/desire to change. I just don't. Counseling helped...he quit going. Meds made him a cold monster...only time he's ever hit me in 18 years was when he was on meds for anxiety and ADHD. The ONLY reason he stopped them was because he hit me and I think it shocked him as much as it did me. Otherwise he'd still be taking them and still be a cold monster and not care. Bottom line, unless you see a real commitment from day one of diagnosis from them then I feel it's unlikely anything will ever change. You have to ask yourself what can you live with? How much can you accept without compromising your own happiness and sacrificing your own life? I promise you, you'll sacrifice a lot more than you'll get in return and in the end all you have left is anger and resentment.
My my husband is currently conducting his 4th affair in 2 years right under my nose...we are divorcing. Getting rid of him has proven to be a nightmare. He threatens to leave constantly, claims he's miserable, but won't go now that I'm truly done and ready to move on. He repaid all of my hard work to stop controlling him and letting go of my anger (born from the chaos that is his ADHD) by deciding to cheat repeatedly. I suspect it has gone on all along he just doesn't try to hide it anymore. It's been a complete nightmare and I wouldn't wish what I've been thru on anyone. My children have a father they cannot be proud of and struggle to love/like. My life has been destroyed ... And I rebuild..and he destroys...time and time again. Job losses and bankruptcy and affairs just to name a few. He's ungrateful, cold hearted and soulless. I wish I had cut the ties with him long long ago. Deep down I knew he did not have the ability to even meet me half way...but I did feel he tried for a while. He gave up. In a big and painful way. I was always the last to know.
Great advice!
Submitted by freshstart2018 on
This is great advice! I wonder if ADHD and passive aggressive behavior go hand in hand? My husband does nothing unless I act as though I don't care and totally back away from him emotionally. I'm tired of playing this 'game' and want out! I'm sooo tired....
I have anaylized this
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I have anaylized this situation/phenomenon to death...and for me, in my marriage, I feel that it is about control/being controlled.
ex: if I want him to do something (or not do something) and I let him know, he will not do it (or do it) simply because otherwise he is letting me control him. When I would ask him to please not drink a lot, stay out late, etc he was hell bent on doing exactly the opposite just so he didnt' feel controlled. This was a HUGE HUGE problem for us. ANYTHING that I asked or requested was seen as an attempt to control him.
ex: if I showed any signs of happiness (unrelated to him..i.e. went out with friends, made a new friend at work or online) or if, during one of his 'moods', I just decided to not let it get me down he would intentionally turn the screws and do anything and everything he could to bring me back down to miserable. Any of these things he would immediately feel uncomfortable and insecure and take them as a threat. It is sad, but it is true, if I was happy he worried that I was going to leave him. To restore the balance, he would do everything in his power to bring me back down...and succeeded for MANY years. On some rare occasions he would immediately panic and it seemed he would snap out of his mood a lot quicker. This was earlier in the marriage when the ADHD wasn't in full swing, later on he just shoved harder and was a lot more cruel (only with his actions mostly, he was far less cruel with his words). If I went out with my friends (maybe once every 6 months) he would retaliate by going out the next night..maybe not coming home at all...getting drunk..not answering his cell..etc.
That was our marriage. That was the dynamic. That was pure hell. I never want to go back there again.
Sherri, It is so funny that
Submitted by lonelywife40 on
Sherri, It is so funny that you posted how this is similar to a game - and seems to be how it is going for us now. I told him that I was giving him more space, that I was working on correcting how I speak to him and apologized for how I spoke to him in the past and made him feel so bad, that I don't want to nag/mother/ect to him anymore and that there are other things in my life that I need to work on that have yet to be defined. He stated about not spending time together, having no common interests, ect. So last night when he arrived home from work I could feel the attitude radiating off of him. One word answers to all of my trying to communicate- (1)How was your day? Were you able to move your desk location at work - "no to busy- will do it Monday" - Sorry to hear that, I know how much you were looking forward to being able to remove yourself from that high traffic area. (2) Did you have a chance to speak with anyone today (outside of the office people) - "No" (3) It sounds like it will be very cold tomorrow (Sat) - what would you like to do? Would you be interested in going out together? - "Im working at my moms clearing downed trees and bringing wood inside all day tomorrow" (4) Oh, I didn't realize that you were doing that; well I think I will take the kids to a movie tomorrow late afternoon, would you like to come with us? - "No". (4) Ok - well is there something that you and I could do together? - "The only thing I want to do is golf" (5) Ok well, I would be willing to hit a bucket of balls with you-how does that sound? - Silence. Then after many channel changes he abruptly gets up and leaves for the garage. Where he spends the rest of the night and then CHOOSES to sleep in the guest room. Its as though you said the harder I try the more he pulls away. So okay, he is still asleep in the guest room - I am feeling okay with it. I keep saying over and over - Fix myself, fix myself to find happiness. So I am going about my business, interacting with the kids and housework. I want to be happy and show that happiness - wish me luck. Thank you for sharing your story of the ups and downs - I at least feel that I have a little bit of knowledge of what to expect in the coming months and that working on myself can be difficult over time and that others have thought of giving up too. That is a huge help.
You made the offer, he
Submitted by SherriW13 on
You made the offer, he refused...and his "punishment" to you for daring to find some happiness in your life is to sleep elsewhere. Man, if I had a nickel for every time I have been there, done that. Take the kids to the movies, enjoy the afternoon, and keep giving him the space he needs to figure out what he wants. I'm telling you, it really does suck, I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach reading your post because I KNOW this behavior and I do NOT miss it. Again, my gut tells me that he's scared. He doesn't 'trust' the new you and he's reacting in exactly the way my husband always did. You're being kind to him, treating him with respect, learning all you can about his ADD and at the same time refusing to let his disorder/moods/rejection dictate your life. I spent a lot of days crying in secret and putting a smile on my face (to him) when I felt like falling apart because I KNEW as soon as I showed weakness again, he'd start wearing me down with his hurtful comments and we'd be right back to square one. God, it is so hard...I feel all of the emotions of it all over again...every time I read something on here, but it is helpful for me all the same.
Keep reaching out, but not too much, and find a quiet place to cry if you need to. (((HUGS)))
I just wanted to add that
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I just wanted to add that once my husband started to trust that I was serious about changing myself, things really started to turn around. It took a while, I backslid 100 times, he backslid 100 times, but as long as you are determined to put an end to the 'old' way of life, you will...hang in there!
Apparently that is my
Submitted by lonelywife40 on
Apparently that is my "punishment" - good thing that Im okay with it - because I'm sure that there will be plenty more nights like last night.
There is a huge trust issue between us now - that is a given. I don't trust him(because he continues to break agreements that we have made together - even the ones that he constructed himself) and he lies. I know that he's lying, he knows that he's lying and that I know he's lying - but continues anyway. I don't trust what he is doing "on-line" since he clears his "online history" every time he is done using the computer which is usually late at night. And because I have reacted so poorly in the past to these issues he no longer trusts me to react differently. But he is wrong about that one - due to his implusive shopping he thought that leaving his cards at home and cash only policy would work for him - it was going well for the 1st 5 days. Then Thursday night he stated he needed to get gas in the morning and has taken his card for that. Then Friday night he arrives home late - with a 4pk of "cheater reading glasses" and a large bag of apples and this attitude. We have our conversation listed above - then onto Saturday morning - he is in a good mood talking and what not - then he brings out this new sweatshirt. I asked where did that come from? I got it at Sam's yesterday. Oh, so you were able to pay cash for it then? Well, I got it at Sam's, see how nice it is, and I really needed one that looks good. I just nodded and ended the conversation. He KNEW that he wasn't to use the card - he KNEW that I would ask about it but what he didn't expect was for me to not get into a long drawn out conversation about not spending, buying things that we don't need, ect... Plus I wasn't angry or even mad - I just didn't want to engage in a conversation that would get us nowhere and the damage was already done - he broke his word and tried to hide it. So then an hour or so later I was working upstairs and he was leaving and said that he was taking the dog and the truck and going to his moms. I said that I needed the truck for errands (drop off at goodwill, groceries and the kids to the movies). Well that did it he was mad and left - in his car. Now the truck is the vehicle that I drive every day - it has little to no dog hair into (because I don't let the dog ride in the truck where as the car has it into the seats because the dog always rides in the car) and my daughter is allergic to dogs so I work hard to keep her everyday spaces as pet hair free as possible. He knows this but I think that he wanted the truck just to punish me for not fighting with me earlier. Not sure if this is progress or digging the hole deeper but none the less I am trying to be true to myself and find myself at the same time. I won't be walked all over again and I won't be made to feel small and scared by his words - I just need to keep in mind that I can do that without arguing and having a negative interaction with him.
I find myself doing a lot of crying! Sometimes its just a short burst - then it's the thought of its not worth crying over - take ahold and make this better for me right now. Sometimes, its more of a river cry - where I can't get my mind to realize that I can be happy even when Im hurting or disappointed.
One thing I am having a difficult time with is when he does really mess up (he COMPLETELY forgot our anniversary AGAIN) what do I do? I gave him his card and said Happy Anniversary but I was really hurt. Maybe I shouldn't have given him his card and just let the day pass without mention? It seems like we can't mention our disappointments when they do something that is hurtful, and we are to swallow that pain and forgive? I realize that he has a problem with remembering dates associated to anything outside of his pleasure (his birthday, his golf dates, ect) but does this every change? I know that he won't change and that's okay, but isn't it the ADD that is making him "forgot" things that others remember easily? So if the ADD were contained or under control would these issues improve? What has been your experience?
I will keep reaching out to him, and accepting that I can fix me, and working on a happier life for me and the kids and letting him figure out what is going on in his life. Thank you for all of your support and help - I really need this. Thank you for your kindness :)
Lonely wife
Submitted by hockeymom11 on
I used Melissa's exact words in a letter to my husband (maybe the admin can put the link up again b/c I don't know how to!). It was about starting on OUR journey whether we live with our spouses or not. It was about being very clear about what we wanted out of life and that "I'm not getting any younger". I was very clear in my letter that I would not subject my kids to the toxic effects of cigarettes, alcohol and excessive video game playing (especially since my youngest has asthma and allergic rhinitis). Using Melissa's words I told him that he could join me on my journey or not, but I WASN'T waiting for him anymore.
again, I hope admin can link the post, it may be linked higher up in this blog topic (not sure where it was linked when someone else asked about it). Maybe Melissa should just put it on the front page of the site because I'm telling you it was the BEST thing I've read on this site as far as what to do with my life.
good luck. I haven't purchased Melissa's book, but I've heard it's a great place to start. There's another one I've heard good things about "Is it you, me or adult ADD?" not sure of author.
http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/adhd-and-marriage-if-youre-so-unhappy-why-stay#comment-10207
hey, I think I did it, see if this link works to Melissa's comment!!
Again, I read and I just feel
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Again, I read and I just feel the flood of emotions all over again. How can these men be so much alike but be completely different people in completely different places? It really is sad.
I'm so sorry he is reacting this way, but not surprised. I was wondering, as I was reading, if he didn't take the card and spend the money in a deliberate attempt to get a reaction from you...i.e. drag you right back into the old pattern of things? I couldn't remember exactly when you told him you were making the changes and such...but if it was before Thursday evening when he took the card then I would guess that it was another attempt to 'punish' you. You did exactly what you should, which is realize that the damage is done, a negative reaction (getting mad, fussing, cussing, crying, pleading, reasoning, etc) would accomplish nothing. A compromise to fix this problem will only be reached when something inside of him finally clicks and 'gets it' that he's doing something that is hurtful to his family and starts to understand how his ADD is affecting everyone and cares enough to stop doing it. This change won't be brought about by nagging/fussing/fighting, etc. You should be very proud of yourself. It took me a very long time to get that.
I honestly do not know about the anniversary thing....forgetting things like this is not part of my husband's ADHD. Is this common for him? Seems like if he forgot and genuinely cared that he forgot, he would make some type of effort, even if it's a day late, to show you that he does care about the marriage and is sorry for forgetting. Is there any effort made? Any apologies or remorse? I am not sure I would let him off the hook, but I am not sure how you deal with it. At the very least I would tell him that it was very hurtful and disappointing for him to not even acknowledge the anniversary of the day you were married..without anger or judgment. "it really hurts my feelings when you forget our anniversary" and if he starts to say something just say "You don't need to explain or respond, I just wanted to let you know that" and walk away. I handle almost everything this way anymore. It isn't that issues don't arise that are hurtful or frustrating, it is just that I don't respond with anger and I feel like he hears me even when he doesn't acknowledge that he hears me. Ya know?
I really hope you're hanging in there and doing well. I am praying that he'll soon decide to join you and quit being so combative and defensive. :(
((HUGS)) Sherri
med connection?
Submitted by Tasla on
Like Sherri got at, I immediately wondered about the med connection too. Since he started taking a certain medication, has there been a change in his attitude, temper, behavior? Because if so, that can be addressed by switching medications, changing the dose and so on. My husband tried a few medications over the past year or so and they had various side effects (mostly physical) but one of them (strattera, I think it was) made him really emotional, he cried once or twice a week because I'd hurt his feelings (doing or saying something I'd totally done many times before without that reaction). He hasn't cried once since going off strattera. Just to give you an example. It's something to look into - or, like Sherri said, if there are other factors that have changed at a time period that matches the changes in him, so that there is a "trigger" of sorts that can be found, and maybe something can be done to deal with it.
thanks Talsa, the med's
Submitted by lonelywife40 on
thanks Talsa, the med's actually made an improvement for him. He is able to concentrate at work and once the GP upped his depression meds his moods greatly improved. Thank you for your insight.
Finally!
Submitted by lonelywife40 on
Finally some good news to report! It seems that we have had a small break through. My husband acknowledged that he has noticed changes in me (behavior, communications, ect) for the positive. Well this lead us to begin discussing other issues about our life and where we want to go from here. It sounds like we both agree that we want to make our marriage work, that we have a great deal of work to do (both of us) and that ADD is the real issue and how we are handling it. So we have committed to working on issues in couples counseling and him in his one on one sessions and to work toward making our life good again. I know this may be on of the ups before a down, but honestly, I really needed this from him. I needed to know that my hard work at changing me is being noticed, that he truly wants to stay together as a family and couple. I will continue to work on myself, to be true to myself (even when it would be easier to given in), and finding myself that I have lost over the years - and I will do this for ME.
I hope that we can continue to make forward progress as individuals and as couples - but I am realistic that we are both able to make slips and mistakes.
Sherri, thank you for your support and prayers - I'm sorry that my current pain brings up so many painful memories for you. You are such a strong person to be willing to re-live those memories to help someone you have never met! Please know that you have touched my life and made a positive change in me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I am SOO happy to see this!!
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I am SOO happy to see this!! You must be so proud of yourself!
I will share with you what my 'support system' (three good friends) have shared with me since I started my journey to a 'new me' 10 months ago..in the hopes that it will keep you strong during the tough times...there WILL be tough times for a while..
*love him, and show you love him, even when he doesn't deserve it....acceptance is very important to HIS progress. Sometimes when I want to choke him I hug him instead, thinking to myself that he's human and remind myself that he's trying and how far he's come.
*when you're most tempted to react, don't. Don't react. Remind yourself that is what you've done for so many years and it DOES NOT WORK.
*things will be 3 steps forward, 2 steps back for quite some time. Don't let each disappointment/fight/setback be the typical "end of the world" scenario we're all so used to feeling. This was SOOO key for me. One friend in particular always reminded me that the 'new me' loves him, faults and all, and just because he screws up doesn't mean that all progress is lost. The better we manage ourselves, the less frequent his 'screw ups'...it is hard to accept each screw up as a 'learning lesson' when in the past they've been 'another nail in the coffin' but you truly have to see it that way. It is vital that you don't let each setback take the wind out of your sails. Be hurt, cry, ask God why? and then move forward. The less you react, the less you treat each setback as the end of the world, the more he's going to trust you and, God willing, the more he will want to try and get control of himself.
*you'll feel like you can conquer the world one day, and feel like it's beating the hell out of you the next...just accept that all emotions you'll feel are normal and allow yourself to have bad days as long as you're able to see it for what it is...just part of the journey...and pick yourself up and move forward.
I don't mean to sound like I'm suffering by helping you, by reliving all of the emotions and pain that I went through...and still do sometimes. It is really therapeutic and I wouldn't be here if I didn't need help too. It is really helpful to help.. I'd rather not have any experience with any of this, but since I do I need to channel it to something positive for my own sake. I am praying for you and your family. I am checking often for your updates..as well as several others. (((HUGS)))
Sherri
Lonelywife40, I couldn't
Submitted by newfdogswife on
Lonelywife40,
I couldn't have said it better myself, than SherriW13, above. I'm practicing the same way Sherri is practicing and preaching and it is life changing. Reliving the past is both hurtful and helpful all at the same time but we can and do get through it. I'm here for the help too, and not a day goes by where I don't learn something new. I keep everyone in my prayers.
Well the good time was brief
Submitted by lonelywife40 on
Well the good time was brief - not sure what the issue was that he needed to sleep downstairs again last night but he did. We had a good deal of interaction yesterday - I honestly don't recall anything that was negative or of my old ways. But I suposse that even just a deep talk can be a great deal to absorb.
So I am feeling a bit blue this morning - wanting, trying to break out of this and move forward with my day. First day of work for me - a bit nervous. A bit overwhelmed knowing that all of my normal day to day chores will still need to be done by me plus now adding 9 hours a day outside of the house to that - knowing that no matter how much I want someone to pitch in a help - it won't happen. Knowing that I have to change my attitude about how I am feeling - but unsure how to do so - not wanting to back slid over this.
Sherri, thank your support group for me - those bulletpoint will be very helpful to me as well.
(HUGS) to you.
Good time was brief
Submitted by newfdogswife on
Sorry to hear that. If your husband is anything like mine, a deep talk totally devastates him. His mind goes into overwhelm and I truly believe all of his dark past starts coming up to the surface and he immediately shuts down to put it back where it has been for many, many years. Our deep talks are few and far between and neither I nor his counselor have been able to help with this issue, yet. He continues to hold alot in and just cannot seem to open up and set himself free from all of his turmoil.
I worry about assuming
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I worry about assuming anything, I don't want to mislead you with my 'experiences' and tell you something that would harm your marriage. Please understand that I am just an average person, not a professional, my only knowledge on this subject are the 'study' I've done over the last 13 years of my marriage. Since there are SOO many characteristics that are similar with ADDers, it would seem that the behaviors and reactions are similar too. Reading over this site, I see so much of my life in others' and I have started to get a sense that although the solutions aren't universal, there are some things that are...having said that..I will continue with what I feel is going on with your husband...based on what I know and what I have experienced.
As I said, progress will be slow....and it will be a LOT slower for him since he hasn't 'hit bottom' like you have...yet. Where you are surprised that he slept in another room after experiencing some peaceful interactions with you, I am not AT ALL surprised. Remember, he won't let go easily. At this point, this would still be a matter of 'control' in my marriage. It took my husband quite a while to REALLY trust my changes...just as it will take you and I quite a while to trust theirs. He still, when angered, will say ugly things like "that is the old Sherri". At first, everytime i would slip up, he would throw out the "I knew it wouldn't last" comment..as if he were certain it was going to happen. (just as I still somewhat struggle to fully trust him...be he cheated, so it is a little harder for me). We want so badly to get an instant reaction to our efforts, but please understand it won't happen and don't get discouraged when it doesn't. My husband would retreat to the den just to hurt me or to exert his 'power' (control), and even after we'd made peace, he'd still not give up that control easily. I felt he was WANTING me to ask him not to sleep down there, but I never mentioned it (other than to maybe let him know it was hurtful during times when he WASN'T sleeping down there...as if he didn't already know this), because I figured it would just result in him doing it longer.
Keep your head up, life does go on regardless of where he sleeps. It all feels "normal" to me, because it was my life for SO many years. I cannot say for sure what he's thinking, but I still keep going back to feeling like he's holding on for dear life..trying to learn to trust the new you, but at the same time not willing to throw himself into something that he's so unsure of. I really feel that if you just continue being nice to him, I would even go so far as to express to him everyday that you love him (inspite of the fact that he's sleeping in a separate room.."even when they don't deserve it"), and just continue about your daily life. I think you are seeing progress, you've had some peaceful days and you said yesterday you had some non-destructive talking, but I think you're expecting more of a positive reaction from him at this point, and if you get disappointed and it takes the wind out of your sails, then he'll really start to doubt your commitment TO YOURSELF to be a happier person...and you know where that leads.
This was my lamest attempt, through a headache and lack of caffeine, to tell you to just hang in there...you cannot predict the end result, but you can control your own happiness inspite of him. Allow yourself to feel a little disappointed that he's not 'getting it' just yet, but pull yourself up and carry on anyway. I remember feeling like I wanted to fall apart...knowing that if I did it in front of him it undermine my where I wanted to be. So, I avoided him (we were separated when I started to let go of the anger) and cried myself to sleep if I had to. Or if I woke up feeling depressed and overwhelmed, I kept it to myself and put on a happy face when I would talk to him. He has always depended on me to be strong and the weaker I am, the more overwhelmed he feels, and the more he would push me away.
((HUGS)) Sherri
Ooops!
Submitted by lonelywife40 on
Sherri, well I made an ooops! today - yes, I slipped. And I was so MAD at myself the ABSOLUTE SECOND after the word left my mouth! I understand why it happened (not enough time to process my feelings plus being tired) and at least it happened in the counseling session. As the conselor commented on the expression on his face was "looks like I made her mad now - see how she is?!" So the counselor was able to put it into words and explain what happened and why, ect., ect. So now I am over it - I need to apologize to my husband for it and move forward. And I think I have learned that I need to process my feelings more quickly so that I don't react in a negative way when Im responding without having had time to "mull" it over - another step in learning a new way, right?
Right now Im not sure what is happening with him - he is not sleeping well - even when he sleeps downstairs I hear him stirring about. So it is somewhere around 1-2 am before he goes to bed and is up by 7 am not enough sleep for certain. He looks so bad (tired and wary and sometimes even confused) I feel awful for him - I keep wishing the he will see the "light" or that this is his "bottom" and things will get better. Its so hard to finally be seeing what life can be like if we start to turn this ship around! Not sure that this is happening yet for him. But he is working at it - he is doing the meetings and medication.
But I can at least say that he (right now-at this moment) doesn't want to divorce. We are working at counseling and he seems to be getting some of my issues with the ADD - at least he could provide an example. And the counselor explained how we both need to learn to be good listener and validate each other - but that this will take time for the ADD'er. And of course, Im the "right now, let's get it done and move on to the next thing" - so this maybe a bit of a test for me.
Girlfriend, I promise you
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Girlfriend, I promise you will screw up a lot more than just what you did today, if you're anything like me anyway. Each screw up is a learning experience..you're 100% right.
As for him not sleeping..not sure what your experience is, but when my husband and I fight, he literally does not function. I would really like to try and advise you to not freak out about this...just like my counselor told me, I cannot carry the weight my husband's problems on my shoulders...I have enough of my own crap to carry. If he is struggling, maybe he's doing some soul searching. Maybe he's 'getting it', maybe he's realizing he's got to make some changes and struggling to figure out how. Who knows? Was he doing fine before you told him you were making changes? Sleeping well and such?
I read your story to my husband and without me even having to ask what he thought was going on he said "her husband thinks she's going to leave him" It was exactly what I expected HIS reaction to be...but of course that doesn't mean that is what he is thinking or going through, but it did make me feel a bit better about the advice I've given. I am very glad he's doing meds and counseling with you and he's at least given you the peace of mind that he's not wanting a divorce.
Thanks for the update. I am still praying for you guys.