Can use some insight here. I'm in the process of recovering from a relationship from a guy that mentioned he had add in the beginning of the relationship. I figured it was issues with focus with work & whatnot...boy was I wrong. This site has helped me tremendously to better understand what has really happened the past several months and that I'm not crazy. Experienced the hyper focus in the beginning it was very extreme. But I was overly cautious and wanted to pace myself throughout the entire relationship and he felt like I rejected him constantly. Said the "I love yous" after we were dating for about a week and marriage was being brought up from him around that time also. He is divorced with children so I wanted to pace myself for that reason as well. He had emotional affairs that he told me were a part of his past and he blamed the marriage for it (red flag I know) and come to find out recently he got caught up in the flirtations again so I ended the relationship. He feels horrible for what he has done and is seriously seeking counsel to defeat this area of his life so I applaud him for that. He gets extremely combative with his family and blamed everyone else for his problems (and I took it hook line and sinker) for the victim mentality instead of taking responsibility for his mistakes to bring about true change of character and maturity. At first we were supposed to take a break for him to continue counsel but the way things have been unraveling I might have to officially call it quits. In one week I received emails or texts of him apologizing profusely and saying I deserve another man to treat me better, says he shouldn't date for a long time until he gets these issues sorted out, he feels like there is hope for us, the several I miss yous, back to I deserve another man to treat me better, then taking a break like originally planned. I can't help but feel he is only in the hyper focus stage again for him to get what he wants. I have not responded to him out of haste or anger; I have been incredibly calm throughout this entire scenario and I thank God for that because I know my words would have made this so much worse and I didn't want to leave a negative impact of regrets on my part. I am so emotionally exhausted and saddened how distorted his perception really is and I absolutely cannot be co-dependent to this type of relationship that keeps unraveling into further confusion. I had no idea how much the add played a role in this until after the split; once I started to do my research it's like a bomb of 20/20 hindsight went off & my eyes have been officially opened because it explains his personality accurately. There have been so many times he would say things without thinking first that came across pushy and insensitive; especially recently because he isn't getting what he wants from me not responding and keeping my boundaries in tact. Any feedback would be appreciated here; I'm not trying to place judgment or point fingers I seriously considered marriage with this guy and no telling what is going to unravel after this break so I can use as much wisdom as possible from people here who are more "seasoned" in this type of relationship. Thanks & God bless
20/20 hindsight...just exited a relationship that I thought had potential
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 08/22/2015.
Smart Girl! You've saved yourself a lot of trouble.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
You were smart to heed the red flags that you were seeing.
The victim mentality just invades so many aspects of life.
I hope the next guy is a winner for you.
Thanks for the encouragement
Submitted by calm cool and c... (not verified) on
I really appreciate the feedback thank you. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the reality of what took place versus the broken promises that I heard since day one. Grieving process I guess. He would have his head in the clouds and talk constantly of our wonderful "married life together" but I would get quiet and try to process how fast he was rushing this whole process. He didn't understand that relationships take time to grow; after everything hit the fan he accused me of shutting him down when he mentioned marriage but those words never came out of my mouth. We were supposed to just take a break for a little while for him to sort out those issues in counseling and us go from there (if there is even anything left). I really have a lot to think about and wisdom to ponder here because I'm not sure if this is the kind of relationship that I would want to invest in the long haul if all of this chaos happened in less than 6 months of the dating relationship. This has been such a painful and confusing situation but I can't deny who this person really is now vs. the person he claimed to be in the beginning. It's like I dated two totally different people now that I look back on it.
Yes, the "fake person" and the "real person".....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<< This has been such a painful and confusing situation but I can't deny who this person really is now vs. the person he claimed to be in the beginning. It's like I dated two totally different people now that I look back on it.<<<
The hardest thing to admit is the realization that the person we began dating doesn't exist. That was the person "high" on the drug of a new relationship. The real person comes out as the "drug" that excites them early in a relationship wears off.
The innocent partner keeps expecting that "earlier person" to make a reappearance, and he may occasionally when he gets excited about something. But, then that drug of excitement wears off again, and the "real person" is revealed again.
wow....nailed it
Submitted by calm cool and c... (not verified) on
"The hardest thing to admit is the realization that the person we began dating doesn't exist. That was the person "high" on the drug of a new relationship. The real person comes out as the "drug" that excites them early in a relationship wears off.
The innocent partner keeps expecting that "earlier person" to make a reappearance, and he may occasionally when he gets excited about something. But, then that drug of excitement wears off again, and the "real person" is revealed again."
This is exactly how I've been feeling but I thought it was me being over dramatic. I never called him out on it; I've been quietly taking inventory of how something was just "off" in this relationship before everything hit the fan. I admit after reading your recent comment it brought me to tears I couldn't have said it better myself. Thank you for your input. I want the honest advice of what I have been dealing with and what to expect if going back in this situation. I can't have my head in the clouds as well (like he was throughout the majority of the relationship) while I wish for the person I first met to reappear either. What a disappointment. This was the last thing I would have expected when we first met because of how overly attentive and compassionate he appeared to be. Your words are helping me to understand this situation a little better instead of me trying to figure out what I could have done to prevent all of this. Thanks again
Now there's a title for my book....LOL
Submitted by c ur self on
(The innocent partner)...Sad to say, there usually isn't an innocent partner....In most cases (mine is no exception) our own desire's, baggage and insecurities blindly lead us right to the alter with the whole world thinking what in the world is he/she thinking?
The answer? We're not....
Going through similar LONG REPLY WARNING !!
Submitted by chrisj0406 on
I understand where you are. I am sitting here after my partner of 4 1/2 years got diagnosed two months ago.
Probably at about the year 3 point in our relationship - we took our time introducing our children etc and then my father passed away - about year 3 the dust started to settle.... anyway, about then when we should have been moving forward there seemed to be a little reluctance from him... I couldn't quite put my finger on it but at the time I thought we should have started to move towards the life we had discussed we would have together I didn't really see any progress. Some things just didn't add up in my mind.
It was at 3 1/2 year mark that I had finally had enough and told him that I could no longer tolerate his inconsistencies and that the relationship didn't seem to be going anywhere. It is no secret between us that I have had my own mental health issues from time to time and I simply wasn't coping with what our relationship was going to me.
That's when he confessed to me that he thought there was something wrong with him. I use the word confess, not because I think it's a crime to have mental health issues, but more due to his own shame and fear. Anyway, for the first time I had a tangible reason for his behaviour. He went to see a doctor and he was diagnosed with anxiety and put on medication.
Fast forward three months - we had talked about him moving into my house some time before - in June he had told me it would be by Christmas but I thought "I will believe it when I see it". On the 24th November I jokingly said to him - "you had better put in your one months notice on your apartment if you expect to be in here by Christmas". I wasn't serious! But he turned around and said he already had the day before. Now - I felt quite panicked - yes, we had talked month ago about moving in - I guess he assumed that was an open invitation that whenever he was ready he could. I didn't tell him otherwise and I take responsibility for that. I felt I couldn't tell him no since it was me, months before, that had kept asking him. He was at my house 6 nights a week anyway.
He moved in.
That's when it all started to deteriorate. We had agreed on an amount that he would contribute to the household including share of rent and utilities etc. That was paid for 6 weeks and then payments became spasmodic until they stopped altogether. He never told me he would be late with a payment until I asked. I had to ask every single week where the payment was. At no stage did he tell me outright that there was an issue - I was left to assume what the situation was from feedback I got.
Flashforward - eventually he was diagnosed with ADHD and is now on meds for that too. Two months ago. He isn't on any of these forums - I am. He isn't in a facebook group - I am. He hasn't ready any books - I have.
That is the background - anyway, he's a lovely guy - just seems to lack any concept of what a family is all about - well, he seems to be able to verbalise what it is but cannot act what it is. He basically runs his own routine - if I want a meal cooked for me I have to ask him. Yes, I know, I should make is a regular task of his but that doesn't work. Does it on the agreed day for one week or two but then it just disappears.
Look, I know enough about ADHD to know that these are all symptoms of the condition he has to try and live with. I love him to bits - but I just don't think I can see a future in a relationship that causes me so much angst. I have been thinking over the last couple of days that I should get counselling just to find ways to cope with the fact that I cannot seem to get him into counselling! Then you realise..... that's me doing ALL the work - even at an emotional and mental health level.
Yeah.... nah. Don't think I can or will do it.