I am REALLY getting tired of every weekend going by and not one of several yard projects even getting touched. The big thing is this fire pit that H has been talking about doing for 6 months. He got bricks to pave the area around it back in February and they have been sitting killing our grass since then. He killed off the grass for where the pit is going to go back in April and we now have a 10' x 10' area of dead grass just waiting to be dug up. He keeps saying he needs to rent a sod cutter from Home Depot, but since they rent for the day we need to get going early to get it. Great! I don't have a problem getting up at 6AM to get started but he can't get up before 8AM and then he needs about 2 hours to drink his coffee and hang on his computer to "wake up" and then he needs to make breakfast and by that time it's 11AM and it's too late to rent one so we'll do it tomorrow and he goes and plays his video game all day. Well tomorrow it never happens. Then he talked about borrowing a guy's cutter from down the street but doesn't really want to do that either because he doesn't want to get too friendly with them. Every day last week I heard about how he just needs to get this done and how it's really driving him crazy that the pit isn't finished yet. We had a 3 day weekend to work on this and probably could have had the whole thing dug out, leveled, gravel brought in and bricks laid, but nooooooo. Friday was chill lout day and prepare for fireworks and Saturday was recovery day but he swore Sunday was going to be work day. Nope. I even asked him on Saturday night "So what are we going ot do tomorrow?" He replied with "Nothing". I said "I thought we were going to do some kind of project this weekend?" He says "Well did you want to work on the tool shed then?" I said yes. This simply is putting up a canopy next to the house with some shelves so we can store all our tools back there. Nope. The only thing he did all day is sit on his computer and play his video game. I told him about noon that the grass needed to be mowed and he said he'd do it when the sun went down a bit. Well it got to be 5:30 and seeing as how he hadn't done anything yard wise all day and just sat in the computer room I figured that probably wasn't going to happen so I went out and did it. He got all mad at me because he SAID he'd do it in the evening. I am not going to sit around and twiddle my thumbs wanting something to do and hoping that you WILL do this later so I just did it. I'm sure about 8PM he would have said to me "Well it's getting kind of late so I'll just do it when I get home from work tomorrow" which of course wouldn't happen either.
Not only does he talk about a fire pit, but also about putting up posts around it and hanging hammocks and planting bushes. He talks about putting in a new gate door and staining the gate. He talks about putting in a koi pond. He talks about the tool shed. He talks about a deck. He talks about making planter boxes. Not one of these things has been done. He loves to talk about all he's going to do and draw it out on paper, but it never goes any further than that. Back in January he moved a shelf that held a microwave and said he wanted to put recessed lights there instead and make the area underneath a butcher block so he tore off the backsplash and went to go look at wood for the butcher block. He hadn't measured it so said he would do that and then go back the next day and get wood for it. He never went back and anytime I bring up how ugly that looks now because it's all torn up he goes "I know...stop nagging me about it. I'm still thinking about how to get it done" I thought you had it all figured out 6 months ago! Who knows how long that is going to sit untouched.
It's very frustrating and I am about to suggest he call a professional to get this fire pit done. He just has no motivation to even go to Home Depot to get what he needs for it and always says that he'll do it next weekend, which doesn't happen. It was supposed to be done so we could enjoy it during the summer. He said in mid May that he wouldn't have a problem finishing it by early June. Well it's early July and not one thing on it has been done!
My effort to affect the time blindness effect
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Mapper,
I have heard it said, and have witnessed the validity, that the ADHD wired brain perceives time in two simple ways: "Now" and "Not Now."
My own planning skills can break a project down into steps, estimate the time necessary for each step, make plans for delays beyond my control - i.e. illness, equipment failure, bad weather, budget constrictions, etc. - and end up with a final time line that has a completion date goal.
Planning is a skill I have. Planning in not a strength my ADHD spouse has.
My own frustration has been not so much that things do not get completed, but rather that while I can understand the complexity of my spouse's way of thinking, I do not feel any empathy from him to understand my frustration, nor will he let me plan any project that involves him working together with me - or anyone else for that matter. (3:42 pm: Here is my edit - it is not that he wont LET me, as he is not the boss of me, it is that he will not cooperate with me.)
My goal of these past few weeks/months has been to identify WHY I have stayed, WHY I accepted his unacceptable behavior, WHY I was so blind to what others clearly saw, why, why, why, why, why.
Exhausted
Submitted by jennalemon on
That is what I am working on too right now. Why have I stayed and what am I afraid of?
identifying why
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I"m doing the same thing. Identifying why I've accepted this behavior, and what to do now. My ADHD husband is currently planning more projects around the house, when there are at least 12 undone ones (large ones) starring us in the face every day. Now he wants to build a shed. NOoo. I told him I can't have him building a shed, when I know it won't get finished. (I've never said that before) But I KNOW it won't get finished. We live in a development where there are STRICT things we have to abide by in regards to the yard, property, house and sheds. The shed must be wooden, match the color of our house and be tastefully done, otherwise we can be fined, or made to take it down. I mentioned this to DH, and he said "I will put up whatever shed I feel like"....."It's going to be behind the house, so no one will see it". duh.....I WILL SEE IT. Plus, if we ever have to sell the house, we will have to tear the shed down (if it isn't correct) and replace it. I couldn't get him to see that, even though it's in the contract. I totally believe he has ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) because he loves "bucking the system" every chance he gets, no matter what type of situation he's in....he HAS to defy someone in authority.
Mine is the same way! He
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Mine is the same way! He doesn't care that our 14' motorcycle trailer is in the driveway when the rules in our neighborhood say no trailers visible. We haven't been told to move it yet, but I'm waiting. He also wants to paint our fence this bright yellow. I just want a nice stain on it, but he feels anything outside is his call. He set off fireworks at our last house we were renting last year even though it was illegal in the city. I told him he shouldn't do it but he said who the hell cares. Sure enough, a cop pulled up not 2 minutes after he set one off and confiscated all $100 worth!
Once again last night H says
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Once again last night H says to me "We have GOT to focus on finishing that fire pit and getting the gate on the fence done". Yup...WE sure do. I'm the one who is psyched to get the thing done every weekend! Then he starts saying that maybe he'll have someone come in and dig up the area and then we can level it and gravel it. Great lets do that then. However that won't happen anytime soon because he's got to take days to figure out who he would hire to do that. Then it will get to the weekend and he still won't have made up his mind on how to go about it and he'll tell me that maybe he'll send out a message on Facebook to see if anyone knows anyone who can do this for us. He won't get a response or he'll get a ton of responses but won't act on any. After all that he'll still decide that maybe he can just do it on his own but now it will have to wait until next weekend because there's no time this weekend now and then next weekend it will be rainy so he won't be able to do it then and then the following weekend we'll be gone and then he'll just be tired of thinking about it and it will go on the back burner until next year! I'm at the point now where I just reply with "Mm hmm". If I am the one to broach the subject I can't even finish saying it before he cuts me off and says "I know! Please stop nagging me about it!" So what do you want me to say? Yes I agree it needs to get done but nothing is going to happen until YOU do it. The more I talk about getting it done, the more annoyed you get with me. I really have nothing to do with either of these projects, other than pay for the materials. He has been talking about building a fire pit for a year. Not like I'm going to be doing any of the work on it because I don't know how to do it and it wouldn't be right even if I tried. It's almost like he's blaming me for this not getting done. He'll say in a chiding tone "Well we'll have to get up early and work all day on it when we do it." Like that's a huge obstacle for me! I have never had a problem getting up early. HE is the one who can't get his s*** together before 11AM and then by that time it's too late in the day to think about doing anything so he'll just play video games all day!
This sounds like my life!
Submitted by frustratedwife on
This seriously does sound like exactly what I go through on a regular basis. My husband makes all kinds of promises but when it comes down to it I'm lucky if he accomplishes one very small thing. He has made a huge mess of our house (which I owned before we met and it was very neat and clean). There are things stored all over the place that just need to be hauled away. He has two boats, a trailer and an old car stored in front of/on the side of our house. I'm quite sure the neighbors are very tired of looking at the mess, I know I am. And my husband doesn't have a job, he has been unemployed for the majority of the past 2 years, so he can't use lack of time as an excuse. But there is always some excuse why he can't get projects done. He says we don't have the money...his labor is free! Or he says it's too hot...well why not get up early and work instead of staying in bed until 9-10am and then taking a couple of hours to drink coffee, eat breakfast and check email?. He says he's going to hire someone but yet people call and he puts them off and says he doesn't really know when he can be there to supervise. Really??? You don't have a job so you are pretty much available anytime! Often I break down and do the chores that he has promised to do around the house and then he says "I told you I would do that". When? How many days, weeks, months, do I have to wait till it gets done? He calls me impatient and I know I'm getting that way but I also know I'm not expecting too much of him and I deserve some help around the house after working 2 jobs!
Maybe I wouldn't be so frustrated if I had money to pay people to get the work done but I'm sure he would find an excuse not to do that too. Some days I wish the whole place would just burn to the ground so I could start over (just kidding of course). But I'm sure it wouldn't take him long to acquire more junk!
Oh yes! The "I WAS going to
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Oh yes! The "I WAS going to do that if you'd just chill out!" after you waited all day for him to do it! Exactly what he told me on Sunday that he was going to mow the yard when it got cooler in the day. Well 5:30 rolled around and it could have gotten cooler but seeing as how he didn't do any yardwork the entire 3 day weekend I just knew I was going to hear "Well it's getting too late now. I'll do it tomorrow after work." Then he gets mad because I went ahead and did it! If I am sitting around itching to do something while you keep saying you'll get to it then why can't I do it?
He says I'm controlling
Submitted by frustratedwife on
When I go ahead and do something that he has promised to do for hours or days he says I'm controlling and have to have things my way all the time. He says I should let him do it in his timing. Well why should I have to look at dishes piled in the sink for 24 hours? Especially when he expects me to cook! Why should I have to look at a junk inside or outside the house? He calls me OCD but I'm not, I'm just not one who likes to live in chaos and mess. He doesn't see any of it, it just doesn't bother him. But since I work hard to support us I feel the least he can do is make things neat for me when I get home. Am I wrong?
In my eyes you are right as
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
In my eyes you are right as rain!! I am a very neat and orderly person and he would say my hobby is cleaning. It makes me feel good and organized. Problem is, I need to do all this stuff while he's out of the house which means either between 4AM and 7AM (when I leave for work) or not at all. He doesn't protest when I mow and weedwhack when he's gone for a few hours but pisses and moans if I do it while he is home. Well I can't do that stuff at 6AM so I vacuum and sometimes scrub the kitchen floor that early.
My husband just got back from
Submitted by frustratedwife on