With all the anger and frustration we as non adhd spouses feel, are there 3 things that if you could use a magic wand to change, what would they be? I am not talking about "curing" the ADHD symptoms, or magically erasing past behavior, but if there were 3 things your spouse could do different right now, that you think could save things or make things better between you, what would they be? For me, I would change the following:
1. Put his ring back on. I know this gets into the land of the imaginary, and while I have accepted that he is leaving and honestly I know that I will be ok and probably better not putting faith in someone who is going to runaway, it's not what I ever wanted. I do love him regardless. *EDIT* honestly I am not ready to put mine back on, so the caveat here would be put it back on and show that he is sincere and working on things as an act of faith. I would need to see both before I put mine back on. Before I trusted him enough to not run again.
2. Start going to practice for fighting and start practicing every day... EVERY SINGLE DAY..... Footwork, pel work, stamina and strength training. Regular exercise is so good for managing adhd symptoms. I really thing this activity will help him consistently to deal with all his demons.
3. Read Melissa's book so that he can see how adhd is affecting him and his life. (I made it as easy as possible for him - its on his kindle, along with some other books he "said" he wanted to read, but in fact - I think he has even lost his kindle that I got him)....
There are other things of course, but it seems those would be nice to have and seem like would be a good start. I know that #1 is a pipe dream. But hey, I am human, and I certainly still see the good in him. Even when he can't and even when he doesn't see me at all.
We're divorced now, but these
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
We're divorced now, but these changes would have made a difference before and would result in me feeling more positively about my ex-H now.
1) Respond to email messages that I clearly indicate I'd like a response to (i.e., those that include "Please respond" in the subject line and ask for important logistical information).
2) Acknowledge that I was deeply hurt by him engaging in long phone conversations with a woman while we were still married and while he implied to me that he did not have time or the "ability" to talk on the phone with people such as me.
3) Get paid for his work, above the table.
Rosered, I am sorry things
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Rosered, I am sorry things turned out how they did. I wish it would have been easier and ...well.. Better in how things went. I am glad you are still here though. I am always glad to see you post! <3
your wishes aren't even outside the normal realm of how a normal person interacts. You really did and do deserve so much better.
my three things
Submitted by dancermom on
1. take on board the commitment to use a reminder system - keep experimenting and improving because he himself wants to keep more commitments. because he himself wants to stop disappointing himself and others.
2 take on board the concept of saying yes and no to requests and commitments, and keep experimenting and trying to face up to this as a personal responsibility to try to figure out what he will and won't do up front. Be willing to be candid about when he is and isn't engaging in the committing/planning conversation instead of knee jerk "no" and knee-jerk "yes".
3 be willing to talk with me once a month about what's going well and what's not - as a plan - instead of as a response to me emotionally breaking down from overwhelm and frustration at unpredictable intervals (which are fewer and fewer as I disengage).
My three things:
Submitted by dvance on
My three things:
1. Make DH see that he is NOT the expert in everything all the time. That while he is very good at his job (god knows how) he is NOT the only person there that knows what he is doing, that everyone else that works there is NOT an incompetent idiot. A little humility.
2. Make DH actually USE the tools I put in place to help him pay attention, like the google family calendar that even my kids use, answering me when I text him, following through when you say you are going to do something.
3. Take his meds and go to therapy. Believe that he still has work to do NOT that he is done and all good and in fact perfect. That everyone else is the one with the problem, he has learned to be all calm and zen and we just need to chill. (this is particularly hard to deal with when he drops the ball on something of significance and continues to say to me, "just relax, it's not that big of a deal, nobody will die". Yes, but some things are a big deal)