I haven't been on here in such a long time because I've been immersed in both individual and couples therapy, but I really could use some help from others in the trenches please. After 17 years of a difficult marriage my husband had an "awakening" because he realized that he had lost me. This after his emotional abuse, affairs, and his telling me he wanted a divorce countless times. Now he's a "different person" and he says he could understand my leaving the old version, but if I leave this new guy I am quitting on him and our marriage and he doesn't think he could forgive me for that. His previous doctor wanted to evaluate him for bipolar disorder, several other professionals have wondered if he is bipolar or narcissistic. Our shared psychiatrist (he was deeply concerned about my health and put me on anti-anxiety meds) has said that it doesn't matter what else he has going on besides "severe ADHD" as I really need to take care of myself and meet with a divorce attorney to find out my options. (His ADHD is severe as he rarely sees someone his age with such strong inattentiveness, impulsivity, and hyperactivity.) Our financial situation is terrifying thanks to his poor business decisions and extreme spending. We have two children (ages 11 and 13) and I've honestly told him that my fear of divorce only has to do with their well-being, our finances and the awful process of divorce, but not losing him. He is so relentless and forces me to have conversations about us which last for hours. I'm to the point that even if he has legitimately changed his personality, I don't want to be with him. I don't see how I can ever trust him to be faithful. I'm so angry at myself for staying this long and putting up with his treatment of me and our girls. He's finally stepped up as a father and I hang on to the fact that if I'd left earlier they wouldn't have a relationship with him. I'm scared to finally end it. I'm a child of divorce and of an alcoholic, it's so difficult for me to stop trying to fix it even when I'm this far gone.
99.9% gone
Submitted by jennae on 09/02/2017.
My experience
Submitted by adhd32 on
My past experience with my husband is that he changes for a while to get what he wants and slowly reverts back to the person he truly is. He is approaching retirement and over the years things have gotten worse, not better. I cannot say what you should do but if your H has the tendency to change just enough to stop you from leaving be very cautious. See how long he keeps up the relationships with your children. What kid needs to grow up with an abusive parent when there are other options? He can still have a relationship with your children whether you are divorced or married, the question is will he continue to seek out the relationship or is he finally stepping up now because he is afraid you will actually leave? For me, things did not improve as my husband has aged. In fact, he has even less impulse control now and blurts out whatever is on his mind including making comments no one wants to hear. I don't know that there is an easy answer. I think you need to be observant and make decisions based on reality and not based on your past or the fear of being divorced. You can't fix him and I think you know that.
RE: 99.9% gone, my experience
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hi, Jennae,
Your description of your 'new' husband smacks of manipulation - that he is saying what he thinks will keep you from leaving. I was in the same situation. My counselor helped me stay out of denial, and a friend in a local support group gave me the same help. I explored my options and took my time making a decision. During that time, I did what I could to control my husband's spending. It was stressful - I created a household banking account; I set up alerts on my husband's banking account; the minute he got paid, I moved the money to keep him from squandering it. He raged and argued, but he couldn't stop me. He is so persuasive that he went in person to the bank and got himself added to the household account. I raised a stink with the bank and got him taken off and kept him off.
It doesn't matter what diagnosis - or lack of such - your husband has. Look at the behaviors and their effect on you and your daughters. I recommend you try to be good to yourself and them, which may be hard when surrounded by insanity, but it gets easier. Why engage in the conversations? Maybe they are just attempts to confuse and convince you. It sounds like they are not helping and are causing you distress.
My husband finally got effective help. He gave up his 'secret life'. We were separated for at least a year after this because I didn't believe it was true. Gradually he did the things it took to rebuild trust. Six years later we are still working on trust and other issues, but we are together and generally happy. He is 'very ADD', and this won't change, but he's smart and funny and is finally working on being a good husband, the one I thought I married. I'm different. Not so easy to manipulate, learned about boundaries, not so willing to be told what to do by my husband, and expressing it in a way that he is more willing to accept. My changes benefit me in all areas of my life. Remember, no matter what the outcome is with your marriage, you can have a good life.
All the best,
Angie
So appreciate your response....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
to Jennae. You said....It doesn't matter what diagnosis - or lack of such - your husband has. Look at the behaviors and their effect on you and your daughters. This is the crux of it all that we so quickly move from to the why? Why? Why? and way too much time passes and more damage continues to happen. Thank you Angie. Your post was succinct, honest and proof......that separation is not always the end of a marriage......it gives breathing room and OPPORTUNITY for change to take place....for everyone.
Hi jennae....Acceptance of reality.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I went back and read most all your past posts...I understand most of what you have, and are, dealing with....I understand your childhood years, and the effects (baggage)...(similar here)...I understand your anxiety (same here)...I understand the loneliness and the feeling of being trapped....The hopelessness.....
Your husband is and has gaslighted you. (He may not even know what that is, but, the effects are there)...He is manipulating you (attempting to) ....But based on this post today; I think you are gaining awareness of it, for the most part...His comment about not forgiving you if you left him, is strait up (control and manipulation) a victim mind speaking....First off, forgiveness isn't for the person you are forgiving, it's for the person living with unforgiveness...
You need to start w/ boundaries....It's never to late...You will definitely have to manage your life differently in order to cut ties with him...(I'm talking about dependency).
I truly hope he has changed, if not for the marriage sake, for the girls....
If I were in your shoes, and felt like I was tied to someone who had cheated on me, and had poor spending habits...I would set down and list out a few boundaries and put them in place....Separate finances etc...If that means a job and my own insurance then so be it....Much of your anxiety is coming from your helpless feelings, about your and the girls security, and also what your not getting from him on a personal level, (love, honor, and faithfulness)...
When you allow yourself to be subjected to his abuse it causes those feelings of self loathing...You are never trapped, you may have to change things about your life in a big way...But the alternative to not tackling this head (boundaries) on, is just more of the same...
Never allow yourself to be forced into conversations (brain washing sessions) where he is making it all about you....If he wants to discuss (his new self) calmly what he is going to do (his accountability for himself) about being a responsible husband...Try to listen, and be positive and encouraging...But believe what you SEE....Walk away from any conversation attempt that starts with word...You!...
I will pray for your family... (((Hug)))
C
Thank you
Submitted by jennae on
Thank you all so much for your kind support. Unfortunately my husband found this post while on my Ipad at 4:30am. As much help as this website is, I don't feel safe posting on it anymore, only because I feel like he is reading my diary (and rereading repeatedly) I did chose my words thoughtfully and am up front with him about my feelings. The bipolar/narcissism were the only surprises for him. However it just sparked more circuitous conversations which only seem to result in my feeling more angry and exhausted. I wish you all the best with your journeys and again I appreciate your help.
I wish much love and peace for you and your family....
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife did and does the same; it is painful for her also...But it was the greatest gift she could ever receive...Reading about her life style and behaviors from complete strangers, with no one to blame....It's not an accident that it happened this way....This is a real opportunity for your husband...Just like it has been for me, my wife, and probably many others;)....He will do one of two or three things with this information.....
Blessings jennae
C