Hi,
I am new to online communities and new to living with a partner with ADHD; obviously I am in a crisis moment.
My partner of over 13 years was diagnosed with adult ADHD last summer and began medication after we had a three month separation. He started with a counselor but gave up because he did not have the time to do the work. We have two boys aged 4 and 12 and well after reading some of the posts here I guess I don't have it that bad. My partner picks up the 4 year old and makes dinner every night, he does laundry, can grocery shop (although never looks at prices and buys a tone of junk not on the list), cleans and takes care of the house and is able to work full time at a good job. He is French and I am English and when we met we could not communicate and now most of our communication is in english which I know can be very hard for him. He has been trying for the last 8 months to please me and I have shut him out which resulted in him leaving 2 months ago. After he left I found empty alcohol bottles hidden all over his room as we were sleeping in separate rooms the last month.
I have read Is it you me or Adult ADHD and I am in the first third of The ADHD effect on Marriage. I do not know if my marriage is worth saving or if it can be saved or even if my partner or I want to save it.
He is putting the blame on me as I am very angry and yell at him all the time he says that he lives in a state of fear and I get it, I do all those things. I also do all the planning, take care of all financial decisions (including all of the accounting for my partner's business), dentists, doctors, school items everything that is not included in the tasks above. I also make most of the money, live in a half renovated home (that he wanted and was going to renovate but it is not done because I have not done the plans).
I am in a city where I have one friend and no family. I have a great job that I love and get wonderful satisfaction from but it also requires me to work 12 hour days and some weekends as I am in a high level managerial position in a large company. I feel guilty because I have put my career before my partner but honestly it was because I was in crisis mode at work for the last 4 months and had to do a lot of work to make deadlines etc. and my partner just kept asking for my attention and love and I just did not have the time or energy to do it. I tried to explain but he just didn't get it so now he has left me and the children.
I have made an appointment to get professional help.
All my partner wants is for me to lower my expectations and to show my love and appreciation for him. He deserves this. He deserves to feel love as do I.
I do not know if I can give this after 13 years of managing the home and falling into almost every trend that I have so far read in the ADHD effect on marriage. I am his mother, I am no longer interested in sex and I am so tired, I nag, I yell I do anything I need to do to get the job done. I am tired of working so hard with nothing to show for it. I went back to school when my oldest son was one and I worked really hard and got a undergrad then a masters certificate all while my partner was financially supporting the family. Then I got the career I wanted, we had another baby, saved for a home, bought the home he wanted in the neighborhood he wanted. If we divorce we lose everything that we worked on together and start at the beginning as all of this happened in the last 7-8 years. I know I will be ok in the long run, I set up my life so that I could do it without a partner as I believe that this is an unfortunate reality but I worry about what will happen to my partner, the father of my children.
I want a partner who will ask me how my day was and listen. A partner who will not constantly interrupt me. A partner who will do shows of love and appreciation for things that I actually want or am interested in rather than things that he wants to do that also benefit me. Ie. Making the family a breakfast that I don't like (fatty foods) but then leaving the mess for me to clean up as he goes off to the next thing on his list. I want a partner who will plan in advance so that I am not stuck having to do it all, I want a partner who can have empathy and actually understand how much stress I deal with on and off the job.
Interesting enough I can mange all of this as I have been doing the single mom bit for 2 months and I don't yell anymore and my house is cleaner and I am happier and I know it is because my partner is the straw that breaks the camels back.
Has anyone is this group had success of being in a relationship and working out the issues so that you could have a healthy and functioning relationship?
I am willing to work on it if it could lead to results but if not then I am giving up and moving on to a happier life. Regardless of working on my marriage I will be working on myself as I am not happy with the way that I am or the person I have become.
I just want to be happy.
I don't want to say "end the
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I don't want to say "end the marriage" or "don't end the marriage." That is such a personal decision. But I will say that it seems both you and your partner don't want to be in the marriage now.
I want...I want...I want....?
Submitted by c ur self on
(He is putting the blame on me as I am very angry and yell at him all the time he says that he lives in a state of fear and I get it, I do all those things. I also do all the planning, take care of all financial decisions (including all of the accounting for my partner's business), dentists, doctors, school items everything that is not included in the tasks above. I also make most of the money, live in a half renovated home (that he wanted and was going to renovate but it is not done because I have not done the plans).
I'm sorry you are so dissatisfied with your spouse....You've made it quiet clear here, he is inferior to you...(not as smart, don't make as much money as you, not as organized, etc)....I'm thinking you are looking for reasons (approval) to dump him....
But in case you decide to stay, there are a few things that can help....1) Humility, (never ever mention the fact your salary is more) 2) Thankfulness (many of the things you listed he does do, is good!, there are many women on this site, that would kill for a husband that cooked and helped w/ the children etc....3) Acceptance (of who he always will be to a large degree) of a mind that has trouble slowing down enough, to stay engaged (and follow along) in normal back and forth conversation...4) Respect.....5).... Anger management....
Never enable or Mother him, he will get use to it, and allow it...This dynamic is where many of the dysfunctional traits (your post identifies) you are suffering with come from....We husbands and Fathers need to feel love and respect coming from our wives, just like to you deserve from us!....We also need to fall flat on our faces, if that is what it takes, for us to daily be accountable to our responsibilities.....If you help him, let your help be because of love ONLY!....Got it?...The kind that is never mentioned later....I don't have to tell you the difference in love and enablement....it's obvious you know it as well as I....One leaves us in a healthy mind...The other leaves us suffering....Some times we have to really decide what is important...Even if that means making our worlds a little smaller for peace sake...
Blessings...I will pray for your family...
c
You are not alone
Submitted by SandeeBee on
I am going through a similar experience but not quite as bad. I am married to a man diagnosed recently. Together for 16 years, married for 11. If there is drinking involved, he can’t treat the disorder without treating that disease first. It’s a deal breaker, in my book. You also need marriage counseling or individual counseling to get over your anger issues and superiority complex. It’s what I am working on with our therapist and it has made a world of difference. Make it clear to him that it’s not just him that needs help, he’s not the only broken one and then try your best to get through this together. If you’re both committed, it can work.
What?
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I'm a little confused here. You stated:
We have two boys aged 4 and 12 and well after reading some of the posts here I guess I don't have it that bad. My partner picks up the 4 year old and makes dinner every night, he does laundry, can grocery shop (although never looks at prices and buys a tone of junk not on the list), cleans and takes care of the house and is able to work full time at a good job. He is French and I am English and when we met we could not communicate and now most of our communication is in english which I know can be very hard for him.
I know many women, myself included who would appreciate a man who did all those things for us. My BF does things like that for me, and I make sure that through my actions and words he knows how much I appreciate him.
I'm sure there are many other problems within your relationship you haven't mentioned....
My partner just kept asking for my attention and love and I just did not have the time or energy to do it. I tried to explain but he just didn't get it so now he has left me and the children.
Isn't it possible that he is fed up too, and that is why he left?
2 Sides of the Same Coin.
Submitted by smd1409 on
'... my partner just kept asking for my attention and love and I just did not have the time or energy to do it'.
' [I want] a partner who will do shows of love and appreciation for things that I actually want or am interested in rather than things that he wants to do that also benefit me.'
You both want the same thing, and neither knows how to fulfill it.
Set a time for each other. Ask him what you can do each day to make him feel loved, and for him to do the same. It needs not be extravagant, just ask for something simple first and push for more later. In addition, I'm sure setting aside 15 minutes to be intimately involved (not sex, literally just being romantic with each other, even if that is talking about how much you love each other) will help. Do not be afraid to make it seem 'robotic' at first (e.g. husband talks for one minute, then you), because this will be practice in helping him learn to wait before he speaks, and sooner or later he can listen to you more naturally.
When you have more love for each other, you will have more energy to overcome these problems, because you both look like you want to. And it looks as though you both really do love each other, except that life and its circumstances get in the way.
It can get better, and hopefully you can both find a way to save the marriage.