I posted earlier on here about my husband not being interested in parenting tasks. I've been to a therapist for myself and recently went to one for my 3 year old son. Both therapists told me that my husband and I need marital counselling at the very least for things to improve, and that he desperately needs individual counselling (of big concern to them both is his impatience, such as not letting the 3 year old use the potty and not sitting through family meals). My husband has refused to go to marriage counselling when I had brought it up a few times over the past months. My 3 year old is definitely being affected by the situation now. I am ready to give my husband an ultimatum - we go for counselling or the kids and I leave...or something like that. Have any of you done this? Any suggestions on how to make it effective/non-confrontational? Thanks in advance for any help!
About to give husband an ultimatum to get help and counselling - could use suggestions and advice from others' experiences
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on 04/19/2014.
I'm just going to follow up
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
I'm just going to follow up on what actually happened to see if anyone has any advice on where to go from here. I explained to my husband that things were becoming quite difficult, particularly with our conflicting parenting styles right now (when he does spend any time with the kids) - i.e. he wants to eat meals in front of the TV, I don't, he comes up with ways to discipline/deal with problems out of the blue in the spur of the moment, I like to read books/internet sites and consult professionals. I told him I really would like to do some marital counselling and he again refused, but did not want us leaving and said he would try harder. And he's been trying harder...in his own way, like going to a park with the kids and I after work. But there are still big problems, like he still can't seem to sit through a family meal and he just doesn't seem to be able to consider the needs of anyone except himself. He's so wary of getting any type of medical or professional help (hasn't been to his family doctor in 7 years, has been to a dentist once in his life) that I don't even know where to go from here. He doesn't want to give up on the marriage and neither do I, but I don't see how things can get better without a third party mediator and without him at some point getting assessed and treated for the ADHD. But I can't imagine taking the kids away from him...even though he has trouble spending a lot of time with them, he does love them and was really upset when I mentioned even going to stay with my parents for week to give him a chance to think. Anyone have any thoughts on this, any similar experiences? Our kids are 8 months and 3 years old if that helps (maybe it will get easier as they get older?).
I think you should say that
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I think you should say that unless your husband makes and goes to an appointment with a counselor or to an assessment, by a certain date, you and the children will be taking a break to give him time to think more about his priorities and you time to think about yours.
Thanks, Rosered, that's kind
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
Thanks, Rosered, that's kind of what I was thinking I should do (give it a timeline), but it's good to hear it from someone else. Because I know if I don't set a deadline, he'll just keep saying he's going to try harder, etc., etc., let's try again, etc., and I'm kind of at my wit's end here. I don't know how some of the rest of you have gotten through 20, 30 years of marriage and raised children successfully with partners who seem to be even harder to deal with than my husband. Maybe I just don't have the personality to do this long term with no professional help. The idea of divorce frightens me, but the effect on my children if my husband and I don't get on the same page, and if I can't find some peace soon, frightens me even more. Hoping I can find the courage to set the deadline for this and stick to it.
How are you going?
Submitted by C44 on
I've only just seen this stream. I've given my husband an ultimatum tonight. Counselling, neurotherapy or I leave. We shook on it and he's agreed to give me a decision tomorrow.
I specified with counselling he needs to go into it accepting his share of the responsibility and prepared to work on it and do other reading etc. we have done counselling before and he wastes everyone's time saying we're ganging up on him and generally feeling sorry for himself.
My preferred option was neurotherapy as I know he's not a talker. But he doesn't like that idea.
I'd be interested to hear how you went with your ultimatum.
its hard. I want a proper family for my kids too and don't want a divorce - but it's that or live with adhd ruining my day every day.
Good for you for following
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
Good for you for following through with the ultimatum! I haven't done it yet. I think it's partially fear (of the unknown), but also, he doesn't react well to being backed into a corner and I know an ultimatum would feel like this to him. So I don't think it would achieve the result I want (for him/us to get help). I'm looking down other avenues right now like hiring help with childcare for when I go back to work, since childcare is where we're having the most issues right now. I'll be curious as to how your husband takes the ultimatum - it sounds like it went well since you shook on it.
counselling
Submitted by C44 on
He opted for counseling, but then we decided to do the ADHD Marriage seminar from this website instead. Saves worrying whether a counsellor is going to 'get' our situation. hopefully all will work out!
So happy for you! Thanks for
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
So happy for you! Thanks for sharing - it does give me hope that maybe going this route will work for us too (I just have to be very careful how I approach the idea of the ultimatum and how I phrase things).
presenting it as not an ultimatum?
Submitted by mariel on
i can see that backing someone into a corner is not pleasant. and there's no point if you wouldn't actually want to follow through. Could you maybe present it as 2 or 3 options? somethign like you see several options ahead of you and you need to make some decions about which way you go. then describe them: one being that you carry on as you are and your rrlationship ends up like some of the stories on here from people who are miserable and splitting up after 20 years, one being some counselling ro help and another being you leaving? then as you say ask him for his veiw and say you will be making. a decison by a certain date?
I love this idea! Now I just
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
I love this idea! Now I just have to find the courage to follow through on it:)