Background: Relationship for 2.5 yrs. Lots in common and we were together or else email and talking on the phone. We had a strong attraction to each other. We were eachothers support. He started his own green company that keeps him stressed literally 24/7. His job is his life. Diagnosed with ADD a year ago. Takes Ritalin. He has read books like Driven to Distraction, but unfortunately, during our relationship, we never discussed how this Diagnosis impacts us. He was relieved to get the diagnosis, but i don't think he thought he had to enlighten me on the subject and in hindsight, it would have helped a lot in relating and communicating to him. I am not sure he has taken the time to work thru his anger and what affects over the years ADD has caused him.
What Happened: After a party, he contacted me to get together and I was upset that i had not heard from him all day. He then proceeded to come to my home in an angry rage saying "he is done", "can't do this anymore". I have never seen him so angry.This came as a complete surprise and shock to me. I was so confused as it didn't make any sense. He was like a brick wall and would not listen to anything I said to try and work it out. For the 2.5 yrs we have been together he was completely into me and wanted to spend his life with me and my 9 and 12 y.o. He wanted more than anything to be a part of my life. After he ended the relationship, he began seeing someone immediately and I know he was not eyeing her, she was just a relief for him and an uncomplicated escape from his work and relationship stresses. He only got together with her for 1 month and it is over.
My Reaction: I pleaded with him to try and work things out, but it was like he wouldn't listen. H e was a brick wall and nothing I said could change his mind. I sent him letters saying how much I love him and want to make plans for our future. He just kept saying no "we have to move on" and go our separate ways. He said he did not want to see me for ten months as he thought I would "lure him back into my sexy web". Why was he trying so hard to get away? I sent him a dozen roses, he returned them to my door. I became angry and sent him many hurtful emails to get back at the pain he caused me.
He ended the relationship at a hard time already in my life. I lost my job previous month. Enrolled in an intensive online course to improve my skills. And then he dumps on me. He seemed so stone cold.
As a result of all of this, I lost over 20 lbs, couldn't eat, lost all motivation, I saw a psychologist (with no insurance), started on anti depressants. My mother needed to come and stay with me for a week. I have never cried so much in my life. Had trouble caring for my kids. I was a mess. I just could not understand this. He didn't make any sense, but he seems so adamant to stick to his guns and not be lured back.
I racked my brain and finally, I realize that it was his ADD that ended our relationship. I sent him an email to this affect along with links to articles about ADD and relationships. I also said i cared deeply for him and I was willing to work on this together given his ADD and seek help together. No reply.
Can anyone help me and tell me if this is typical add behavior in a relationship and do you think he will come back? Has anyone experience this abrupt ending that made no sense and seemed odd? Is there anything I can do to salvage our 2.5 yrs together?
What do you think the prognosis will be? Should I forget him. I have now read myself to death on ADD and relationships and it sounds hard and challenging also for the non-adder. Do I want that in my life? But he has a heart of gold and he is fun to be out with and I love him so much. This breakup surprised me as to how much I love him, I was a complete mess. I don't know how he would be to live with.
ADD is often bewildering
Submitted by arwen on
To be honest, I've heard of non-ADD people who have shown some of these behaviors, so it's very hard for me to say whether your s.o. behaved this way because of ADD or not. That said, I certainly did see this kind of behavior repeatedly from my ADD-husband. In our case, my husband's ADD is hormone related (in his family, all the men have it, and it gets better in puberty, gets worse around age 40) so he did not show many ADD-typical behaviors when we met and married, they came to the fore after 20 years of marriage. My husband is also usually a wonderful man and a lot of fun. But his ADD behaviors are also a huge pain in the neck, far more than the "average" man. At the time his problems became a real concern, I did not feel I had the choice of leaving him (for various reasons), so I stayed and over the next 15 years we struggled to deal with it all, including being separated for almost a year at one point. Now we have a good relationship again. But if I had felt I could have left back then, I would have.
Living with an ADD spouse is very challenging, even if he/she is taking meds *and* is getting regular professional counseling. It's common for ADDers to use ADD as an excuse. They tend to forget, a lot, things that you wouldn't believe anybody could forget. Sometimes they do things that are very dangerous, not just to themselves, and they're not even aware of the danger (when children are involved, this is a special concern). Many people with ADD have trouble dealing with money. Of course, there are positive aspects as well -- many people with ADD are very good playing with little kids, many bring fun and spontaneity to the relationship, they are often very charming. But I think most folks here would say if you weighed the pros and cons over the life of the relationship, the "cons" would outweigh the "pros".
I would say that it's unlikely that if you got back together, the heartbreak you have just gone through would be an isolated incident. My husband and I went through this at least half a dozen times, and *countless* other less enraged but just as serious "I can't do this anymore" fights. And it's not just hard on you, that's also tough on the kids, undermining their sense of security and showing them behavioral examples that you don't want them to emulate.
Obviously, everybody's views and needs are different, but while I understand your feelings, based on what I've been through with my spouse, and what it sounds like you have already been through with your s.o., if I were in your situation, I would cut my losses and move on.